And this is my brain.....

On winter....

Remember that old commercial with the fried egg?  This is your brain on drugs?

Well, this is my brain, on winter.

I've made no secret that I live with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which is not surprising considering my history of depression.  While others are going on about the beautiful colors of fall and how they can't wait to wear hoodies and drink cocoa under a cozy blanket on the couch, I find myself on my bathroom floor, crying, rocking back and forth, saying "no, no NO" over and over again.

True story.

And then I went to my acupuncturist for my season's supply of a supplement called "Shine" and set about moving forward.

I've learned the hard way that I simply can't allow the darkness to get too close for too long.  Fall is the time when it comes knocking, and I can actually feel it lurking around the corner, waiting to close in on me.  That darkness is tangible to me.  I fear it.  And yet, I've also come to accept it.

I've tried fighting it.  I've tried ignoring it.  I've tried to fake it and pretend it's not there.  But it is.  And I'm coming to understand and accept that this is an immutable part of me, just like my eye or hair color.

With that, comes a bit of freedom.  I used to see my depression as a weakness, something to hide, cover up, fight against.  But that implies that I should be ashamed of it.  And yet, I'm not ashamed of my hair color, my height, or my bra size.  This is just as much a part of me as those things are, and, in many ways, more valuable.  Maybe it's more akin to my intellect?  Something that I was predisposed toward, but can either nurture or stifle?

Clearly, I'm not finding quite the right metaphor.

The upshot is that I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of this.  This time of year is hard for me.  I'm not as productive or energetic as I am at other times.  Acknowledging and accepting that has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I know that, as the weather improves, my productivity and energy levels will increase.  And come next fall, they'll drop off again.  And that's going to have to be okay.

Growth hurts

(Another from the "drafts" folder that never got published.  As it's relevant to things I'm pondering for the new year, I'm publishing it too).

As I've said, many times before, I know there are good things coming.  Changes are happening in my life and they're going to be AWESOME.  I can feel it.

I'm continually frustrated when they don't seem to materialize, however.  I want a postcard from the Divine, thankyouverymuch, with clear instructions or a hint as to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Recently, (on the very long and boring drive across southern Idaho, in fact), I had a revelation.

See, my MIL is dying.  I'm not sure she realizes it.  I don't know that FIL has realized it or accepted it, and I'm quite certain that several of the other siblings will be rather shocked by this.  But, thankfully, my DH is accepting it.  His mother fell and broke her hip a couple of weeks ago.  During her surgery, the surgeon noticed that her bone was particularly crumbly and sent it off for a biopsy.  She has bone cancer, in addition to the hip fracture.

The thing is, MIL is not one to work to overcome obstacles.  She's a perpetual victim, powerless to make her life any different.  The recovery from a broken hip is very painful and difficult.  It requires determination that I just don't think she has.  She also suffers from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and dementia.  Her short term memory is pretty well shot.  With all of this, I didn't think she'd recover from the broken hip.  Now, with the cancer diagnosis, well, I think she'll be gone before Christmas.

This brings up all sorts of practical issues for me, issues that I'll process and write about at a later date.  Today is about my revelation.

Dh said something about how his mother had "lived a good life."  It was all I could do not to snort my disagreement.  Her life does not look "good" to me.  In fact, it looks pretty freaking miserable.  If that's the definition of a "good" life, then it's not a life I want to live.

And that's the revelation.  I've gotten rather spoiled and complacent.  (And whiny, if I'm honest).  I spend a lot of time doing very little and complaining about not having a fulfilling life.

Hello?!

Really, MIL has had an easy life.  Comfortable.  Safe.  Predictable.

Uninspired, boring, unenlightened as well, in my opinion (hey, it's my blog.  I get to be opinionated).

But, here's the thing.

I have a pretty easy, comfortable, safe, and (relatively) predictable life.  And I'm allowing myself to become complacent.  If I don't change something, I'll wind up sitting in my living room watching the world go by just like MIL.

That's the *last* place I want to end up.   So, it's time to make some adventures for myself, embrace the interesting, enlightening, adventurous and fun life I want to lead.  The life I want to, someday, be remembered for. 

Revelations

Yes, it's been a while.  These things come in spurts and I've been crazy-busy in my real life, so my blog has suffered.  Now I'm back with some rather interesting developments....at least they're interesting to me and I thought I'd share.

Last fall and then again this winter, I signed up for a Process Journaling class through my local community ed program.  i thought it would be an art journaling/mixed media class, which it was, but it was (and is) SO much more than that.

We did a lot of non-dominant work.  The instructor would have us write a question or statement with our dominant hand and then respond with our non-dominant hand.  The idea is that our dominant hand is the "rational" side, the side that tells us the rules and is a constant critic.  This side is important, no doubt, but for many of us in Western society (myself included), this side soon drowns out the quieter voice from our more spiritual side.  By writing with our non-dominant hand, it forces us to pay more attention to what's really going on with our psyche, our emotions, our soul, our spirit. 

I've done a lot of soul-searching, trying to understand myself and the people closest to me, and I thought I had it all pretty well figured out.   On the one hand, that meant that delving into that deeper side of myself wasn't scary or surprising.  On the other hand, I learned much much more than I expected. 

In a recent class, I kept coming back to how I have to finish my chores before I can play.  Of course, there are ALWAYS more chores to do.  There's laundry and dishes and dusting and vacuuming and cleaning the oven or scrubbing out the fridge or organizing that junk drawer and on and on and on......I'm sure you can relate to that.  In my world, that means that I NEVER get to play.  And if I do play, I have guilt. 

I've long blamed that voice, and others relating to my perfectionism, on my parents.  To be sure, those voices started with them.  I can still hear them admonishing me to "Do it again, and this time, do it right!" or "If you can't do it right, why do it at all?"  But I learned through my journaling that I've taken those voices and made them my own.  *I'm* now the one saying those things to myself! 

At first, it made me sad and angry.  But then I realized how freeing that was.  If *I'm* the one behind all of that, then *I* have the power to change it.  I can rewrite that script! 

The second half of that class revolved around "trust" and "let go."  Those were the messages I kept getting as I worked through it.  That's hard for me, as you well know.  I'm a road map and reservation kinda gal, so trusting and letting go when I don't know what's ahead is hard for me.  But I'm doing it more and more and the next revelation was even better!

On Fresh Starts

I don't know about you, but I have this idea that I need to wait until a traditional moment to start something new--a Monday, first of the month, New Year's, etc. Recently, the thought struck me....Why?

Why do I wait to make those changes until next week or next month, or even tomorrow? What is that about?

I think some of it is pure laziness. I know I probably shouldn't eat yet another turnover or piece of chocolate, but I'll give it all up for Lent. I know I should probably quit after the first hour of Facebook games (I wish I were kidding), but inertia has taken over so I'll do that tomorrow.

And maybe it's a chance to give myself permission to be naughty for now and be good later. I don't know. I really haven't figured out why I do it.

So in the last few weeks, I've been trying to start NOW rather than waiting to make a good choice tomorrow. It's not working all the time, but it is helping. When I hear myself thinking "I'll change that tomorrow/next week," I stop and ask myself why I'm waiting. it's all a process, and I sure wish someone could answer the million dollar question of why it's easier to break good habits than it is to break bad habits? What is that about?

Hello. My name is Erica and I'm addicted to Zuma!

So, once again, I’m giving up Zuma Blitz on Facebook. It brings out the worst in me. I enjoy the game, but it’s set up so that you’re competing against your “friends.” I get SO competitive and I was trying to win until 1:00 in the morning. I racked up one million “mojo,” which can be used to buy “powers,” like an early multiplier and the like, and then I went and spent them trying to win. The leader had almost 1.5 million points, which is a *really* high score. Other weeks, a score of 900K would blow everyone out of the water, but not this week, and I was determined to win. Alas, it seemed not to be. I was behind by about 70K points and, by the time I gave up that night, I was seeing things, shooting and completely missing, and my right hand seemed to be permanently shaped like a claw around my mouse. Not good. Not good at all. I had to ice my hand!

I did win the next morning by about 700 points. But now I'm done. It serves no purpose so I'll be moving on to other pursuits.

Truth

Part of the Brave Girl stuff is to learn to recognize the lies we tell ourselves and/or allow others to tell us, particularly about who and what we are. There are several of these that have come to light lately, but for now, they'll stay private as I work with it a bit more and get braver about posting them here.

But, today, my Truth Teller nearly slapped me upside the head.

I'm setting a terrible example for my children. Now, she probably wouldn't phrase it quite like that, so let me edit that. I can and will set a better example for my children. (The Truth Teller is always positive and kind, see.....)

Here's the thing. I set out a few basic rules this summer for the kids. They have to get dressed, brush their teeth and hair, eat and clean up, plus practice their instrument before they can get near anything with a screen.

However, I frequently park myself in front of this box before I'm even awake.

So, starting tomorrow morning......no screen time for me until I've finished a few things too!

Ramblings on depression

I've been dealing with some nearly-debilitating back pain with no apparent medical cause, so I started googling, wondering just what my back pain might be trying to tell me. The answer, over and over again, was depression. Not the "too sad to smile" kind, but the overly-perfectionistic paralyzing kind. It all fits, but I'm unsure what to do about it. I can see, at least on some level, that my thought patterns are not helpful, but they seem so very logical, which makes it hard to combat them. Does that make any sense at all?

And now that I'm paying attention, I'm realizing just how many many negative messages I'm sending myself each day. The laundry in piles = BAD MOM! And, why not? A good mom, an organized mom, would NOT have baskets and baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. A GOOD mom would have dinner planned and prepped every night. Really...how hard is that? Especially since we have the means to purchase anything we'd like to eat. And on it goes. Very logical (at least to me) and very harmful.

It's truly paralizing, and it's particularly challenging when I start thinking about expanding my activities....how can I even *think* about crafting or scrapbooking or a new business venture when I can't even gain control of my current obligations?! (This goes back to "do your chores before you can play" from my childhood, only it's not working now because, honestly, with a husband, 3 kids, 2 dogs, a 3800 sq ft house, school/church/friend/sports obligations, my chores are NEVER done so I NEVER have "permission" to play).

But I truly have NO idea how to combat any of this. How can I argue with or refute those claims? In my mind, they're gospel TRUTH.

Some of this I've done to myself. Shannon (age 12) was asked to put a load of laundry into the washer. She didn't know how because I've never taught her. It's MY job to do the laundry. I don't like the kids to fold the clothes because they do it "wrong." And (generally) I like to fold things soon after they come out of the dryer so they don't get all wrinkled, which means *I* do it. The same general idea spills over to other areas....they only vacuum the middle of the floor, never moving any of the smaller furniture. Heck, half the time they vacuum AROUND a candy wrapper without picking it up! It's just easier and faster if I do it myself, rather than the arguments that ensue when I want them to help out. I think I have the foundation of a plan, though......the kids are pretty fair-minded, so we're going to have a discussion about how I'm out-numbered and so we all need to pitch in some more. Here's a list of chores....pick some!

I have the beginnings of a plan to combat the depression, but again, it's overwhelming (that's a theme lately).

*Eat breakfast
*Take my vitamins/supplements
*Exercise (I don't wanna!)--I'm walking Alana to school, so that's about 1 mile round trip, and it's OUTSIDE which is good.
*Journal
*Books on meditation
*Figure out the minimum requirements to make me feel like I'm in control of the house/chores (the key is "minimum," but it's still HUGE. *sigh*)
*Water, with lime, to help with the detoxing process my body seems to be doing (I've got zits in my zits!!)
*Solid bedtime routine

There's more, but I've forgotten it all. See? Even my depression remedy plan leaves me depressed! ARGH!!!

Adrift

That's me. But first, I need to back up a bit. And I can already tell that this post will be a rambling mess, so bear with me.

Backing up.....Sunday's sermon was on John 21. Jesus has been resurrected, and he's appeared to the Disciples, but now he's gone again and they're a bit lost. It's been a rough week in Jerusalem, and it's still probably dangerous for anyone of Jesus' followers. The Disciples aren't sure what to do next. They've spent the last 3 years following Jesus, learning from him, and teaching about him, but now they're lost. They don't know what to do next. So, they return to what they do best; what they did before Jesus. They go fishing. They fish all night and don't catch anything. As morning comes, a stranger appears on the shore and tells them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure my reaction would've been theirs. These guys grew up in boats. Fishing was their livelihood. Truly, it was their life, and here's this unknown person saying "cast your nets on the other side." Dontcha think they would've thought of that already?! And yet, they do it. And the net is full to bursting. The Bible says there were 153 large fish, but the net does not break. (Side note: According to my minister, 153 is the number of known fish in the world at the time of Jesus, so there's symbolism there too). The stranger, of course, is Jesus, and he cooks breakfast for them on the shore of the lake. They are then sent out into the world to teach and preach.

The point of the sermon wasn't about fishing though. It was about how we perhaps need to things differently in our own lives; cast our nets on the other side of the boat.

A couple of days later, I was at a business meeting with my Creative Memories Consultant friends. A story came up about a dog. This dog LOVED to play fetch with a tennis ball. His owner would throw the ball, and the dog would bring it back, but the dog didn't want to give up the ball. Owner would eventually get the ball back and throw it again. And, of course, the ball would get pretty nasty. So the owner got out a new tennis ball and threw it. The dog went bounding after it, but when he found it, he had a problem.......he's still got that nasty ball in his mouth and he can't pick up the new ball! The dog has a choice to make. He can hang onto the familiar, well-used but worn-out ball, or he can drop it and pick up the shiny new tennis ball.

One of the morals of this story is that we often have to give up old habits, habits that have served us well in the past but aren't working so well now, in order to move on to new and better things.

These two stories, coming so close together, seem to be a message to me, but I'm not sure just what to do with that message. And here's where I'll get rambly...

In the Bible story, the disciples go back to what they do best, but then are told to do it in a new way. One lesson I'm hearing is that I need to go back to what I do best, but do it differently. That begs the question, what do I do best? And I really don't know the answer. There are glimmers of answers coming through, but perhaps because I've never felt truly *good* at anything, I'm rejecting all of them. So my own lack of self-confidence is getting in my way, and it's frustrating. I can't seem to see things clearly....the self-doubt and criticism is like a fog obscuring my way.

Another lesson I'm hearing loud and clear is that I need some new habits. I think I've known this for awhile, as I've felt stuck for a rather long time; stagnating and unsure of my future path. But I continue along my way, doing the same old thing, and waiting for some lightning bolt from heaven to tell me what to do next. Maybe this isn't a lightning bolt, but the message seems pretty clear.

Sorta. What habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to let go of so I can create new ones? Will just ANY new habit or activity bring about the change in my life that I'm seeking; the change that I'm sensing is right around the corner? Or does it have to be just the "right" habit/change? There's that perfectionism creeping in....if it's not the RIGHT habit, it won't work! Or is any change better than the stagnation I'm feeling now?

Then there's another lesson in the dog story. The silly dog won't even let go of the ball so it can be thrown again! The dog LOVES to chase and find the ball, but he won't let it go. Is he afraid that his owner won't throw it anymore? So he's got to cling to it with all his might? What about me? What am I holding on to? What am I clinging to that's preventing me from enjoying that same activity?

Told you....rambling.

This last 18 months has been really, really hard. Those of you who pay any attention to me at all are well aware of this. Tomorrow marks one year of gluten-free eating for Shannon. We've largely adjusted. I can scan an ingredient label like nobody's business, accepting or rejecting the product in a heartbeat! We've found suitable alternatives for most of Shannon's favorite foods. Some of them are expensive (her "granola" bars are $4 for a box of 6 and her crackers are $4.50 a box), but I'm grateful that we have the means to make it work. The other kids are sensitive to Shannon's needs, and careful about eating "forbidden favorites" around her. From what I can tell, she's accepted this lifestyle, though every now and then, she comments about missing one thing or another.

As a family, we're probably healthier. We don't eat out much. It's just too challenging and frustrating to find things she can eat. And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a paranoid control-freak about it. If I don't prepare it, how can I be *sure* it's safe for her? I imagine that will fade in time. It had better, because, at some point, the child will be on her own to manage all of this, unless I plan to go to college with her (hmmmmm........).

What I'm noticing, as I look back over the time since Tristan's diabetes diagnosis, is that I've lost that creative spark. I go through the motions with scrapbooks and sewing, but the spark just isn't there. I don't spend much time crafting, unless it's "scheduled," like my crops, or "tradition," like Easter dresses and grandma scrapbooks. I just don't feeeel like it. I don't feeeeel the inspiration that drives me down into the sewing room for hours at a time. Sometimes, there will be a bit of a nudge, but it's quickly shoved aside in favor of "more important" duties like laundry or cleaning out the pantry.

But those pursuits, including my writing, are an important part of me; a part of me that I'm losing. Or, more accurately, a part of me that I'm letting go. But I wonder if that's at the root of this uneasiness; this constant restless feeling. I just don't know. All of this is spinning around in my head and so very little of it makes sense.

We're so freaking busy right now, but I think I use that as an excuse. Wait, who am I kidding? I KNOW I use that as an excuse. And, of course, there's ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to cook, cupboards to clean, walls to wash, closets to clean out, etc, etc, etc.

But I also KNOW that I MUST explore my creative outlets. Frequently. Or a part of me; perhaps even the best part of me, will die.

I can't let that happen.

I need a little push to start journaling or blogging again, and I think there are things I need to discover about myself, but I’m not entirely sure what they are. So, I’m shamelessly stealing from a “guided journal” I bought. Well, I guess, since I bought it, it’s not stealing is it? Though I am inviting you, my 3 dear readers, to steal it and blog or journal yourself, so…..

Anyway, the book is called "The Woman’s Book of Confidence," by Sue Patton Thoele. From the inside front cover “Let us not wait until tomorrow—or eternity—to accept who we are. Let’s do it right now.”

And that’s the journey I’m on. I’m not the person I thought I would be when I imagined my life (who is?), and really, when I take off the “Mom” and “Wife” hats, I’m not entirely sure what’s left. There’s some good stuff there, for sure, and I want to delve deeper into that. As my kids get older and don’t need me for every little thing; as they enter school and are gone for hours at a time, I find myself with that time on my hands, and I wander a bit aimlessly. Sure, there’s laundry to do (always and forever….seriously, I can’t ever die because the laundry will NEVER be done…..I digress), bathrooms to clean, floors to mop and vacuum, walls and windows to wash, and so forth, but I just have the feeling that there’s something more to my life; something more I’m meant to be doing. Or maybe I’m just bored out of my head with the minutiae that occupies my days. Either which way, there’s more for me out there and I want to find it!

Another quote from the inside front cover “Use these pages to record your inspirations, your motivations, your victories, even your failures. Learn to love the skip of your own step, to gain confidence in the words that only you can hear. Learn to be the best you can be, right now”

The first section or chapter is titled “Reclaiming Childhood Dreams.” The introduction says, in part, “Many of the hopes, desires, and dreams we had as children were indicators fo the special gifts we brought into this life. If we have lost track of our dreams, we can reconnect with them now by encouraging ourselves to look back and explore them.”

Question 1: What make-believe did you revel in when you were little? Where did you go in your fantasy world?

It’s been fun to ponder this question. I remember pretending to be a princess, but not very often. The most vibrant and active make-believe took place in The Old West, probably inspired by watching “Little House on the Prairie” all the time. I loved that show (still do, much to my husband’s amusement). My sister and I would pretend we were settlers on the plains, harvesting grasses and the like, fashioning tools from sticks and vases or dishes from mud. We were attacked by fierce mountain lions, battled raging wildfires, and battening down the hatches in the face of tornadoes. Or, we’d hang out on my double bed, pretending it was a covered wagon headed west. Sometimes the bed became a ship, used to escape mean and nasty step-parents under cover of darkness.

What stands out to me in these memories is the sense of independence, and, too, the sense of being alone in the world with no one to protect us. Of course, we were pretending to BE adults, so maybe that’s where that comes from. Or maybe that’s what I perceived adulthood to be about, independent and alone? Hmmm…..must ponder that one some more. I often felt a sense of accomplishment, going about my “chores” in that little house out west. It felt good to be taking care of my imaginary kids (sometimes played by neighbor children). I remember thinking that the pioneer life was so. Much. WORK! LOL! And I suppose it was.

Happy 2009

Some of you know that I don't do resolutions, at least not anymore. In years past, I would make LENGTHY lists of a zillion goals in all areas of my life. But really, those lists only served to point out just how lacking my life currently was, and well, that's not me either. My life is generally pretty great, and I'm filled with gratitude for that. Listing all the ways I need to improve myself seemed to fly in the face of that. Not that I don't need improvement.....don't we all? But, well, big lists just brought me down, especially when it's cold and dreary outside. Made me want to go back to bed until spring!

So, now I do a motto for the year. It's easier to remember and attempt to live by a simple phrase than it is to deal with checklists about organizing my house, catching up on my scrapbooks, losing 20 lbs, and solving world hunger, kwim?
This year's motto is....

(drum roll please).....

Assume The Best

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? And yet, I know that I tend to assume the worst. I assume that the clerk will be a pain about the return I'm making, or the insurance company will cause me trouble, or that statement was intended as an insult, or that generic phrase someone said in blog, email, or chat was about ME. Obviously, those things do happen. But, more often than not, they don't. So, I'm going into this year assuming the best from the people around me, from circumstances, and from myself.

Happy 2009!