Adrift

That's me. But first, I need to back up a bit. And I can already tell that this post will be a rambling mess, so bear with me.

Backing up.....Sunday's sermon was on John 21. Jesus has been resurrected, and he's appeared to the Disciples, but now he's gone again and they're a bit lost. It's been a rough week in Jerusalem, and it's still probably dangerous for anyone of Jesus' followers. The Disciples aren't sure what to do next. They've spent the last 3 years following Jesus, learning from him, and teaching about him, but now they're lost. They don't know what to do next. So, they return to what they do best; what they did before Jesus. They go fishing. They fish all night and don't catch anything. As morning comes, a stranger appears on the shore and tells them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure my reaction would've been theirs. These guys grew up in boats. Fishing was their livelihood. Truly, it was their life, and here's this unknown person saying "cast your nets on the other side." Dontcha think they would've thought of that already?! And yet, they do it. And the net is full to bursting. The Bible says there were 153 large fish, but the net does not break. (Side note: According to my minister, 153 is the number of known fish in the world at the time of Jesus, so there's symbolism there too). The stranger, of course, is Jesus, and he cooks breakfast for them on the shore of the lake. They are then sent out into the world to teach and preach.

The point of the sermon wasn't about fishing though. It was about how we perhaps need to things differently in our own lives; cast our nets on the other side of the boat.

A couple of days later, I was at a business meeting with my Creative Memories Consultant friends. A story came up about a dog. This dog LOVED to play fetch with a tennis ball. His owner would throw the ball, and the dog would bring it back, but the dog didn't want to give up the ball. Owner would eventually get the ball back and throw it again. And, of course, the ball would get pretty nasty. So the owner got out a new tennis ball and threw it. The dog went bounding after it, but when he found it, he had a problem.......he's still got that nasty ball in his mouth and he can't pick up the new ball! The dog has a choice to make. He can hang onto the familiar, well-used but worn-out ball, or he can drop it and pick up the shiny new tennis ball.

One of the morals of this story is that we often have to give up old habits, habits that have served us well in the past but aren't working so well now, in order to move on to new and better things.

These two stories, coming so close together, seem to be a message to me, but I'm not sure just what to do with that message. And here's where I'll get rambly...

In the Bible story, the disciples go back to what they do best, but then are told to do it in a new way. One lesson I'm hearing is that I need to go back to what I do best, but do it differently. That begs the question, what do I do best? And I really don't know the answer. There are glimmers of answers coming through, but perhaps because I've never felt truly *good* at anything, I'm rejecting all of them. So my own lack of self-confidence is getting in my way, and it's frustrating. I can't seem to see things clearly....the self-doubt and criticism is like a fog obscuring my way.

Another lesson I'm hearing loud and clear is that I need some new habits. I think I've known this for awhile, as I've felt stuck for a rather long time; stagnating and unsure of my future path. But I continue along my way, doing the same old thing, and waiting for some lightning bolt from heaven to tell me what to do next. Maybe this isn't a lightning bolt, but the message seems pretty clear.

Sorta. What habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to let go of so I can create new ones? Will just ANY new habit or activity bring about the change in my life that I'm seeking; the change that I'm sensing is right around the corner? Or does it have to be just the "right" habit/change? There's that perfectionism creeping in....if it's not the RIGHT habit, it won't work! Or is any change better than the stagnation I'm feeling now?

Then there's another lesson in the dog story. The silly dog won't even let go of the ball so it can be thrown again! The dog LOVES to chase and find the ball, but he won't let it go. Is he afraid that his owner won't throw it anymore? So he's got to cling to it with all his might? What about me? What am I holding on to? What am I clinging to that's preventing me from enjoying that same activity?

Told you....rambling.

This last 18 months has been really, really hard. Those of you who pay any attention to me at all are well aware of this. Tomorrow marks one year of gluten-free eating for Shannon. We've largely adjusted. I can scan an ingredient label like nobody's business, accepting or rejecting the product in a heartbeat! We've found suitable alternatives for most of Shannon's favorite foods. Some of them are expensive (her "granola" bars are $4 for a box of 6 and her crackers are $4.50 a box), but I'm grateful that we have the means to make it work. The other kids are sensitive to Shannon's needs, and careful about eating "forbidden favorites" around her. From what I can tell, she's accepted this lifestyle, though every now and then, she comments about missing one thing or another.

As a family, we're probably healthier. We don't eat out much. It's just too challenging and frustrating to find things she can eat. And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a paranoid control-freak about it. If I don't prepare it, how can I be *sure* it's safe for her? I imagine that will fade in time. It had better, because, at some point, the child will be on her own to manage all of this, unless I plan to go to college with her (hmmmmm........).

What I'm noticing, as I look back over the time since Tristan's diabetes diagnosis, is that I've lost that creative spark. I go through the motions with scrapbooks and sewing, but the spark just isn't there. I don't spend much time crafting, unless it's "scheduled," like my crops, or "tradition," like Easter dresses and grandma scrapbooks. I just don't feeeel like it. I don't feeeeel the inspiration that drives me down into the sewing room for hours at a time. Sometimes, there will be a bit of a nudge, but it's quickly shoved aside in favor of "more important" duties like laundry or cleaning out the pantry.

But those pursuits, including my writing, are an important part of me; a part of me that I'm losing. Or, more accurately, a part of me that I'm letting go. But I wonder if that's at the root of this uneasiness; this constant restless feeling. I just don't know. All of this is spinning around in my head and so very little of it makes sense.

We're so freaking busy right now, but I think I use that as an excuse. Wait, who am I kidding? I KNOW I use that as an excuse. And, of course, there's ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to cook, cupboards to clean, walls to wash, closets to clean out, etc, etc, etc.

But I also KNOW that I MUST explore my creative outlets. Frequently. Or a part of me; perhaps even the best part of me, will die.

I can't let that happen.