On winter....
Remember that old commercial with the fried egg? This is your brain on drugs?
Well, this is my brain, on winter.
I've made no secret that I live with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which is not surprising considering my history of depression. While others are going on about the beautiful colors of fall and how they can't wait to wear hoodies and drink cocoa under a cozy blanket on the couch, I find myself on my bathroom floor, crying, rocking back and forth, saying "no, no NO" over and over again.
True story.
And then I went to my acupuncturist for my season's supply of a supplement called "Shine" and set about moving forward.
I've learned the hard way that I simply can't allow the darkness to get too close for too long. Fall is the time when it comes knocking, and I can actually feel it lurking around the corner, waiting to close in on me. That darkness is tangible to me. I fear it. And yet, I've also come to accept it.
I've tried fighting it. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried to fake it and pretend it's not there. But it is. And I'm coming to understand and accept that this is an immutable part of me, just like my eye or hair color.
With that, comes a bit of freedom. I used to see my depression as a weakness, something to hide, cover up, fight against. But that implies that I should be ashamed of it. And yet, I'm not ashamed of my hair color, my height, or my bra size. This is just as much a part of me as those things are, and, in many ways, more valuable. Maybe it's more akin to my intellect? Something that I was predisposed toward, but can either nurture or stifle?
Clearly, I'm not finding quite the right metaphor.
The upshot is that I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of this. This time of year is hard for me. I'm not as productive or energetic as I am at other times. Acknowledging and accepting that has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I know that, as the weather improves, my productivity and energy levels will increase. And come next fall, they'll drop off again. And that's going to have to be okay.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Revelations
Yes, it's been a while.
These things come in spurts and I've been crazy-busy in my real life, so
my blog has suffered. Now I'm back with
some rather interesting developments....at least they're interesting to me and
I thought I'd share.
Last fall and then again this winter, I signed up for a
Process Journaling class through my local community ed program. i thought it would be an art journaling/mixed
media class, which it was, but it was (and is) SO much more than that.
We did a lot of non-dominant work. The instructor would have us write a question
or statement with our dominant hand and then respond with our non-dominant
hand. The idea is that our dominant hand
is the "rational" side, the side that tells us the rules and is a
constant critic. This side is important,
no doubt, but for many of us in Western society (myself included), this side
soon drowns out the quieter voice from our more spiritual side. By writing with our non-dominant hand, it
forces us to pay more attention to what's really going on with our psyche, our
emotions, our soul, our spirit.
I've done a lot of soul-searching, trying to understand
myself and the people closest to me, and I thought I had it all pretty well
figured out. On the one hand, that
meant that delving into that deeper side of myself wasn't scary or
surprising. On the other hand, I learned
much much more than I expected.
In a recent class, I kept coming back to how I have to
finish my chores before I can play. Of
course, there are ALWAYS more chores to do.
There's laundry and dishes and dusting and vacuuming and cleaning the
oven or scrubbing out the fridge or organizing that junk drawer and on and on
and on......I'm sure you can relate to that.
In my world, that means that I NEVER get to play. And if I do play, I have guilt.
I've long blamed that voice, and others relating to my
perfectionism, on my parents. To be
sure, those voices started with them. I
can still hear them admonishing me to "Do it again, and this time, do it
right!" or "If you can't do it right, why do it at all?" But I learned through my journaling that I've
taken those voices and made them my own.
*I'm* now the one saying those things to myself!
At first, it made me sad and angry. But then I realized how freeing that
was. If *I'm* the one behind all of
that, then *I* have the power to change it.
I can rewrite that script!
The second half of that class revolved around
"trust" and "let go."
Those were the messages I kept getting as I worked through it. That's hard for me, as you well know. I'm a road map and reservation kinda gal, so
trusting and letting go when I don't know what's ahead is hard for me. But I'm doing it more and more and the next
revelation was even better!
Friday, August 27, 2010
On Resource Management
I've had three different instances with three different people in the last couple of days and they've helped me realize something very important.
My time is precious. And it needs to be managed as closely as I manage my money. The thing is, though, that it needs to be managed, marshalled, protected even more than my money. Because, while I can make more money, I cannot make more time, no matter how hard I try. The same is true of my energy. And it applies to my family's time and energy too.
Suddenly, it seems easier to say no to things. I generally have no difficulty saying no to things that are money-wasters. So why do I have trouble saying no to time-wasting activities? Mommy-guilt is the short answer.
But I'm working on rethinking things. The truth is that, when we're over-committed, the family doesn't function well. We're all stressed out, short-tempered and life isn't good.
See, here's the thing. Our church has a number of fantastic opportunities for our young people. There's youth group that meets every Sunday evening. There's Scouts, including Venture Scouts that welcomes girls 14 and up. There's Wesley Bell Ringers for high school kids, from 9th grade up, or Asbury bells for junior high kids. There's a children's choir and Praise Band. With those activities, we could have one family member at church all day on Sunday and every day during the week.
The youth go on a mission trip every summer, usually to an orphanage in 3rd World Mexico. The Bell Ringers (Wesleys) go on a tour every summer. Those trips last 7-10 each. And they cost money. Money that has to be raised, generally through church fundraisers. And it's my kids who have their hands out for this or that.
Lately I've been feeling a bit pestered by the youth leader. She's very single-minded about youth events, and there are a lot of them. This is a good thing, at times. Our youth program needs someone with a passion for youth. She has their best interests at heart. But she's also, as I said, single-minded. And she's disorganized to boot, which drives me crazy. Because of her focus, she doesn't seem to understand that the rest of the world does NOT revolve around youth. She's one who will say "Yes, but this is important," as if other things are not.
Now, it's possible that, because of my guilt, I may be interpretting things incorrectly, but I generally feel like there's an expectation that "good" kids from "good" families in this church do all of these things. I've even had another mom essentially express that to me when I mentioned that I thought it was just too much.
And that's ONLY church activities and ONLY for Tristan. I have two more kids; kids who are involved in other activities. Tristan is in Jazz band at school, and he loves it. He's good at it too. He likes to play rec soccer and he's been writing his own music. Shannon swims and plays tennis. Alana ice skates and plays soccer. All three kids play at least one instrument and take private lessons. These are all things that the children enjoy and are (usually) passionate about. This is where my time and energy should be spent.
That doesn't even take into account Bruce and I. He works hard to provide a very good living for us. He's involved with Scouts and he helps out with youth activities from time to time. I'm active in my United Methodist Women's circle, I volunteer in the church office twice a month, and at school once a week. I substitute teach when I can and I recently started working at Dream Dinners.
I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Shannon last spring. She'd heard a passionate plea for donations to the American Heart Association, talking about how research they'd funded had saved a child's life. Bless her heart, my girlie was ready to give all of her money to them so they could keep saving babies. We talked about how there are many, many, many worthy causes, groups, organizations, and charities all doing magnificent things in the world. And it's truly wonderful that they all exist to do those things; things that they are passionate about. But we, as individual people, simply can't give to all of those groups. We have to pick and choose the ones we care the most about and give to those. And that, just because we choose to give somewhere else, it doesn't mean we think less of the charity we're saying 'no' to.
Suddenly, the light has gone off and I'm seeing how this applies to my time, energy, and talents. These organizations are all worthwhile, but they're not for everyone, and they may not be for my kids or for my family. I'm just going to have to embrace being 'that' mother; the one who says NO and denies her children all of these "fantastic" opportunities. And I'm going to have to learn to deal with the attempted guilt-trips; the "oh but it's so much fun"s and the "but it's such a great opportunity"s, and the out-right attempts to manipulate me. Funny, I feel the manipulation in my gut, but, for some reason, I don't recognize it as such, so I don't respond appropriately in the moment. Gonna have to work on that, but heck, I've been dealing with my mother and MIL for years. This really should be easy! :D
Bottom line: My family's time is a resorce, a precious resource and we need to choose wisely how we're going to spend that time. Period. And I'm not going to let anyone tell me how I should spend it.
No guilt. Resource management at it's finest, for the betterment of this family.
My time is precious. And it needs to be managed as closely as I manage my money. The thing is, though, that it needs to be managed, marshalled, protected even more than my money. Because, while I can make more money, I cannot make more time, no matter how hard I try. The same is true of my energy. And it applies to my family's time and energy too.
Suddenly, it seems easier to say no to things. I generally have no difficulty saying no to things that are money-wasters. So why do I have trouble saying no to time-wasting activities? Mommy-guilt is the short answer.
But I'm working on rethinking things. The truth is that, when we're over-committed, the family doesn't function well. We're all stressed out, short-tempered and life isn't good.
See, here's the thing. Our church has a number of fantastic opportunities for our young people. There's youth group that meets every Sunday evening. There's Scouts, including Venture Scouts that welcomes girls 14 and up. There's Wesley Bell Ringers for high school kids, from 9th grade up, or Asbury bells for junior high kids. There's a children's choir and Praise Band. With those activities, we could have one family member at church all day on Sunday and every day during the week.
The youth go on a mission trip every summer, usually to an orphanage in 3rd World Mexico. The Bell Ringers (Wesleys) go on a tour every summer. Those trips last 7-10 each. And they cost money. Money that has to be raised, generally through church fundraisers. And it's my kids who have their hands out for this or that.
Lately I've been feeling a bit pestered by the youth leader. She's very single-minded about youth events, and there are a lot of them. This is a good thing, at times. Our youth program needs someone with a passion for youth. She has their best interests at heart. But she's also, as I said, single-minded. And she's disorganized to boot, which drives me crazy. Because of her focus, she doesn't seem to understand that the rest of the world does NOT revolve around youth. She's one who will say "Yes, but this is important," as if other things are not.
Now, it's possible that, because of my guilt, I may be interpretting things incorrectly, but I generally feel like there's an expectation that "good" kids from "good" families in this church do all of these things. I've even had another mom essentially express that to me when I mentioned that I thought it was just too much.
And that's ONLY church activities and ONLY for Tristan. I have two more kids; kids who are involved in other activities. Tristan is in Jazz band at school, and he loves it. He's good at it too. He likes to play rec soccer and he's been writing his own music. Shannon swims and plays tennis. Alana ice skates and plays soccer. All three kids play at least one instrument and take private lessons. These are all things that the children enjoy and are (usually) passionate about. This is where my time and energy should be spent.
That doesn't even take into account Bruce and I. He works hard to provide a very good living for us. He's involved with Scouts and he helps out with youth activities from time to time. I'm active in my United Methodist Women's circle, I volunteer in the church office twice a month, and at school once a week. I substitute teach when I can and I recently started working at Dream Dinners.
I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Shannon last spring. She'd heard a passionate plea for donations to the American Heart Association, talking about how research they'd funded had saved a child's life. Bless her heart, my girlie was ready to give all of her money to them so they could keep saving babies. We talked about how there are many, many, many worthy causes, groups, organizations, and charities all doing magnificent things in the world. And it's truly wonderful that they all exist to do those things; things that they are passionate about. But we, as individual people, simply can't give to all of those groups. We have to pick and choose the ones we care the most about and give to those. And that, just because we choose to give somewhere else, it doesn't mean we think less of the charity we're saying 'no' to.
Suddenly, the light has gone off and I'm seeing how this applies to my time, energy, and talents. These organizations are all worthwhile, but they're not for everyone, and they may not be for my kids or for my family. I'm just going to have to embrace being 'that' mother; the one who says NO and denies her children all of these "fantastic" opportunities. And I'm going to have to learn to deal with the attempted guilt-trips; the "oh but it's so much fun"s and the "but it's such a great opportunity"s, and the out-right attempts to manipulate me. Funny, I feel the manipulation in my gut, but, for some reason, I don't recognize it as such, so I don't respond appropriately in the moment. Gonna have to work on that, but heck, I've been dealing with my mother and MIL for years. This really should be easy! :D
Bottom line: My family's time is a resorce, a precious resource and we need to choose wisely how we're going to spend that time. Period. And I'm not going to let anyone tell me how I should spend it.
No guilt. Resource management at it's finest, for the betterment of this family.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Ramblings on depression
I've been dealing with some nearly-debilitating back pain with no apparent medical cause, so I started googling, wondering just what my back pain might be trying to tell me. The answer, over and over again, was depression. Not the "too sad to smile" kind, but the overly-perfectionistic paralyzing kind. It all fits, but I'm unsure what to do about it. I can see, at least on some level, that my thought patterns are not helpful, but they seem so very logical, which makes it hard to combat them. Does that make any sense at all?
And now that I'm paying attention, I'm realizing just how many many negative messages I'm sending myself each day. The laundry in piles = BAD MOM! And, why not? A good mom, an organized mom, would NOT have baskets and baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. A GOOD mom would have dinner planned and prepped every night. Really...how hard is that? Especially since we have the means to purchase anything we'd like to eat. And on it goes. Very logical (at least to me) and very harmful.
It's truly paralizing, and it's particularly challenging when I start thinking about expanding my activities....how can I even *think* about crafting or scrapbooking or a new business venture when I can't even gain control of my current obligations?! (This goes back to "do your chores before you can play" from my childhood, only it's not working now because, honestly, with a husband, 3 kids, 2 dogs, a 3800 sq ft house, school/church/friend/sports obligations, my chores are NEVER done so I NEVER have "permission" to play).
But I truly have NO idea how to combat any of this. How can I argue with or refute those claims? In my mind, they're gospel TRUTH.
Some of this I've done to myself. Shannon (age 12) was asked to put a load of laundry into the washer. She didn't know how because I've never taught her. It's MY job to do the laundry. I don't like the kids to fold the clothes because they do it "wrong." And (generally) I like to fold things soon after they come out of the dryer so they don't get all wrinkled, which means *I* do it. The same general idea spills over to other areas....they only vacuum the middle of the floor, never moving any of the smaller furniture. Heck, half the time they vacuum AROUND a candy wrapper without picking it up! It's just easier and faster if I do it myself, rather than the arguments that ensue when I want them to help out. I think I have the foundation of a plan, though......the kids are pretty fair-minded, so we're going to have a discussion about how I'm out-numbered and so we all need to pitch in some more. Here's a list of chores....pick some!
I have the beginnings of a plan to combat the depression, but again, it's overwhelming (that's a theme lately).
*Eat breakfast
*Take my vitamins/supplements
*Exercise (I don't wanna!)--I'm walking Alana to school, so that's about 1 mile round trip, and it's OUTSIDE which is good.
*Journal
*Books on meditation
*Figure out the minimum requirements to make me feel like I'm in control of the house/chores (the key is "minimum," but it's still HUGE. *sigh*)
*Water, with lime, to help with the detoxing process my body seems to be doing (I've got zits in my zits!!)
*Solid bedtime routine
There's more, but I've forgotten it all. See? Even my depression remedy plan leaves me depressed! ARGH!!!
And now that I'm paying attention, I'm realizing just how many many negative messages I'm sending myself each day. The laundry in piles = BAD MOM! And, why not? A good mom, an organized mom, would NOT have baskets and baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. A GOOD mom would have dinner planned and prepped every night. Really...how hard is that? Especially since we have the means to purchase anything we'd like to eat. And on it goes. Very logical (at least to me) and very harmful.
It's truly paralizing, and it's particularly challenging when I start thinking about expanding my activities....how can I even *think* about crafting or scrapbooking or a new business venture when I can't even gain control of my current obligations?! (This goes back to "do your chores before you can play" from my childhood, only it's not working now because, honestly, with a husband, 3 kids, 2 dogs, a 3800 sq ft house, school/church/friend/sports obligations, my chores are NEVER done so I NEVER have "permission" to play).
But I truly have NO idea how to combat any of this. How can I argue with or refute those claims? In my mind, they're gospel TRUTH.
Some of this I've done to myself. Shannon (age 12) was asked to put a load of laundry into the washer. She didn't know how because I've never taught her. It's MY job to do the laundry. I don't like the kids to fold the clothes because they do it "wrong." And (generally) I like to fold things soon after they come out of the dryer so they don't get all wrinkled, which means *I* do it. The same general idea spills over to other areas....they only vacuum the middle of the floor, never moving any of the smaller furniture. Heck, half the time they vacuum AROUND a candy wrapper without picking it up! It's just easier and faster if I do it myself, rather than the arguments that ensue when I want them to help out. I think I have the foundation of a plan, though......the kids are pretty fair-minded, so we're going to have a discussion about how I'm out-numbered and so we all need to pitch in some more. Here's a list of chores....pick some!
I have the beginnings of a plan to combat the depression, but again, it's overwhelming (that's a theme lately).
*Eat breakfast
*Take my vitamins/supplements
*Exercise (I don't wanna!)--I'm walking Alana to school, so that's about 1 mile round trip, and it's OUTSIDE which is good.
*Journal
*Books on meditation
*Figure out the minimum requirements to make me feel like I'm in control of the house/chores (the key is "minimum," but it's still HUGE. *sigh*)
*Water, with lime, to help with the detoxing process my body seems to be doing (I've got zits in my zits!!)
*Solid bedtime routine
There's more, but I've forgotten it all. See? Even my depression remedy plan leaves me depressed! ARGH!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
So much to say and do!
I don't even know where to start.
School starts in a few days. Shannon, as a new 7th grader, starts on Friday with all the other 7th graders. They'll all have a chance to get their schedules sorted, find the bathrooms, figure out the lunch routine, etc, wihtout the crush of the 8th and 9th graders there. Monday, Tristan (9th) and Alana (3rd) start school, while Shannon gets a day off. Tuesday is the first day everyone will be in school.
So, this week, I'm trying to get us ready for all of that. And I'm having a hard time with everything I need to accomplish, including wanting to have some play time with the kids. And that gets me frustrated.
I'm having trouble sleeping, and back pain forces me out of bed in the morning. It also forces me out of this chair, which is a good thing, but really, this pain is getting worse and I'm very, very frustrated. In addition, I'm breaking out all over my body. I've got zits on my chin, my chest, and my back, with no apparent cause. From past experience, I know that this means I'm de-toxing from something, but I have no idea what it is.
So I google. and it seems that depression can cause back pain. Huh. That's interesting. So, I take the depression quiz and it comes up that I'm on the border between mild and moderately depressed. Again. Can I just tell you how much I HATE this?! I hate that depression is part of my life. I hate the way it seems to follow me around, waiting for that chance, the moment of weakness, to strike, to bring me down, to make me less than who I want to be.
And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to think about it; having to assess where I'm at. Why can't I just be normal? why can't I just move through my life and enjoy it? Why can't I just be myself without this monster lurking around every corner?! WHY?!?!
I know what I need to do. Part of me actually *wants* to do it. But a bigger part of me just wants to go back to bed.
School starts in a few days. Shannon, as a new 7th grader, starts on Friday with all the other 7th graders. They'll all have a chance to get their schedules sorted, find the bathrooms, figure out the lunch routine, etc, wihtout the crush of the 8th and 9th graders there. Monday, Tristan (9th) and Alana (3rd) start school, while Shannon gets a day off. Tuesday is the first day everyone will be in school.
So, this week, I'm trying to get us ready for all of that. And I'm having a hard time with everything I need to accomplish, including wanting to have some play time with the kids. And that gets me frustrated.
I'm having trouble sleeping, and back pain forces me out of bed in the morning. It also forces me out of this chair, which is a good thing, but really, this pain is getting worse and I'm very, very frustrated. In addition, I'm breaking out all over my body. I've got zits on my chin, my chest, and my back, with no apparent cause. From past experience, I know that this means I'm de-toxing from something, but I have no idea what it is.
So I google. and it seems that depression can cause back pain. Huh. That's interesting. So, I take the depression quiz and it comes up that I'm on the border between mild and moderately depressed. Again. Can I just tell you how much I HATE this?! I hate that depression is part of my life. I hate the way it seems to follow me around, waiting for that chance, the moment of weakness, to strike, to bring me down, to make me less than who I want to be.
And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to think about it; having to assess where I'm at. Why can't I just be normal? why can't I just move through my life and enjoy it? Why can't I just be myself without this monster lurking around every corner?! WHY?!?!
I know what I need to do. Part of me actually *wants* to do it. But a bigger part of me just wants to go back to bed.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Struggling Again. *sigh*
I'm having a rough time again, and I can't pinpoint why. So I retreat and hide and do stupid stuff that doesn't really solve anything, all the while pretending to the outside world that everything is just fine.
Ugh. Think I'll go to bed.
Ugh. Think I'll go to bed.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Adrift
That's me. But first, I need to back up a bit. And I can already tell that this post will be a rambling mess, so bear with me.
Backing up.....Sunday's sermon was on John 21. Jesus has been resurrected, and he's appeared to the Disciples, but now he's gone again and they're a bit lost. It's been a rough week in Jerusalem, and it's still probably dangerous for anyone of Jesus' followers. The Disciples aren't sure what to do next. They've spent the last 3 years following Jesus, learning from him, and teaching about him, but now they're lost. They don't know what to do next. So, they return to what they do best; what they did before Jesus. They go fishing. They fish all night and don't catch anything. As morning comes, a stranger appears on the shore and tells them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure my reaction would've been theirs. These guys grew up in boats. Fishing was their livelihood. Truly, it was their life, and here's this unknown person saying "cast your nets on the other side." Dontcha think they would've thought of that already?! And yet, they do it. And the net is full to bursting. The Bible says there were 153 large fish, but the net does not break. (Side note: According to my minister, 153 is the number of known fish in the world at the time of Jesus, so there's symbolism there too). The stranger, of course, is Jesus, and he cooks breakfast for them on the shore of the lake. They are then sent out into the world to teach and preach.
The point of the sermon wasn't about fishing though. It was about how we perhaps need to things differently in our own lives; cast our nets on the other side of the boat.
A couple of days later, I was at a business meeting with my Creative Memories Consultant friends. A story came up about a dog. This dog LOVED to play fetch with a tennis ball. His owner would throw the ball, and the dog would bring it back, but the dog didn't want to give up the ball. Owner would eventually get the ball back and throw it again. And, of course, the ball would get pretty nasty. So the owner got out a new tennis ball and threw it. The dog went bounding after it, but when he found it, he had a problem.......he's still got that nasty ball in his mouth and he can't pick up the new ball! The dog has a choice to make. He can hang onto the familiar, well-used but worn-out ball, or he can drop it and pick up the shiny new tennis ball.
One of the morals of this story is that we often have to give up old habits, habits that have served us well in the past but aren't working so well now, in order to move on to new and better things.
These two stories, coming so close together, seem to be a message to me, but I'm not sure just what to do with that message. And here's where I'll get rambly...
In the Bible story, the disciples go back to what they do best, but then are told to do it in a new way. One lesson I'm hearing is that I need to go back to what I do best, but do it differently. That begs the question, what do I do best? And I really don't know the answer. There are glimmers of answers coming through, but perhaps because I've never felt truly *good* at anything, I'm rejecting all of them. So my own lack of self-confidence is getting in my way, and it's frustrating. I can't seem to see things clearly....the self-doubt and criticism is like a fog obscuring my way.
Another lesson I'm hearing loud and clear is that I need some new habits. I think I've known this for awhile, as I've felt stuck for a rather long time; stagnating and unsure of my future path. But I continue along my way, doing the same old thing, and waiting for some lightning bolt from heaven to tell me what to do next. Maybe this isn't a lightning bolt, but the message seems pretty clear.
Sorta. What habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to let go of so I can create new ones? Will just ANY new habit or activity bring about the change in my life that I'm seeking; the change that I'm sensing is right around the corner? Or does it have to be just the "right" habit/change? There's that perfectionism creeping in....if it's not the RIGHT habit, it won't work! Or is any change better than the stagnation I'm feeling now?
Then there's another lesson in the dog story. The silly dog won't even let go of the ball so it can be thrown again! The dog LOVES to chase and find the ball, but he won't let it go. Is he afraid that his owner won't throw it anymore? So he's got to cling to it with all his might? What about me? What am I holding on to? What am I clinging to that's preventing me from enjoying that same activity?
Told you....rambling.
This last 18 months has been really, really hard. Those of you who pay any attention to me at all are well aware of this. Tomorrow marks one year of gluten-free eating for Shannon. We've largely adjusted. I can scan an ingredient label like nobody's business, accepting or rejecting the product in a heartbeat! We've found suitable alternatives for most of Shannon's favorite foods. Some of them are expensive (her "granola" bars are $4 for a box of 6 and her crackers are $4.50 a box), but I'm grateful that we have the means to make it work. The other kids are sensitive to Shannon's needs, and careful about eating "forbidden favorites" around her. From what I can tell, she's accepted this lifestyle, though every now and then, she comments about missing one thing or another.
As a family, we're probably healthier. We don't eat out much. It's just too challenging and frustrating to find things she can eat. And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a paranoid control-freak about it. If I don't prepare it, how can I be *sure* it's safe for her? I imagine that will fade in time. It had better, because, at some point, the child will be on her own to manage all of this, unless I plan to go to college with her (hmmmmm........).
What I'm noticing, as I look back over the time since Tristan's diabetes diagnosis, is that I've lost that creative spark. I go through the motions with scrapbooks and sewing, but the spark just isn't there. I don't spend much time crafting, unless it's "scheduled," like my crops, or "tradition," like Easter dresses and grandma scrapbooks. I just don't feeeel like it. I don't feeeeel the inspiration that drives me down into the sewing room for hours at a time. Sometimes, there will be a bit of a nudge, but it's quickly shoved aside in favor of "more important" duties like laundry or cleaning out the pantry.
But those pursuits, including my writing, are an important part of me; a part of me that I'm losing. Or, more accurately, a part of me that I'm letting go. But I wonder if that's at the root of this uneasiness; this constant restless feeling. I just don't know. All of this is spinning around in my head and so very little of it makes sense.
We're so freaking busy right now, but I think I use that as an excuse. Wait, who am I kidding? I KNOW I use that as an excuse. And, of course, there's ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to cook, cupboards to clean, walls to wash, closets to clean out, etc, etc, etc.
But I also KNOW that I MUST explore my creative outlets. Frequently. Or a part of me; perhaps even the best part of me, will die.
I can't let that happen.
Backing up.....Sunday's sermon was on John 21. Jesus has been resurrected, and he's appeared to the Disciples, but now he's gone again and they're a bit lost. It's been a rough week in Jerusalem, and it's still probably dangerous for anyone of Jesus' followers. The Disciples aren't sure what to do next. They've spent the last 3 years following Jesus, learning from him, and teaching about him, but now they're lost. They don't know what to do next. So, they return to what they do best; what they did before Jesus. They go fishing. They fish all night and don't catch anything. As morning comes, a stranger appears on the shore and tells them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure my reaction would've been theirs. These guys grew up in boats. Fishing was their livelihood. Truly, it was their life, and here's this unknown person saying "cast your nets on the other side." Dontcha think they would've thought of that already?! And yet, they do it. And the net is full to bursting. The Bible says there were 153 large fish, but the net does not break. (Side note: According to my minister, 153 is the number of known fish in the world at the time of Jesus, so there's symbolism there too). The stranger, of course, is Jesus, and he cooks breakfast for them on the shore of the lake. They are then sent out into the world to teach and preach.
The point of the sermon wasn't about fishing though. It was about how we perhaps need to things differently in our own lives; cast our nets on the other side of the boat.
A couple of days later, I was at a business meeting with my Creative Memories Consultant friends. A story came up about a dog. This dog LOVED to play fetch with a tennis ball. His owner would throw the ball, and the dog would bring it back, but the dog didn't want to give up the ball. Owner would eventually get the ball back and throw it again. And, of course, the ball would get pretty nasty. So the owner got out a new tennis ball and threw it. The dog went bounding after it, but when he found it, he had a problem.......he's still got that nasty ball in his mouth and he can't pick up the new ball! The dog has a choice to make. He can hang onto the familiar, well-used but worn-out ball, or he can drop it and pick up the shiny new tennis ball.
One of the morals of this story is that we often have to give up old habits, habits that have served us well in the past but aren't working so well now, in order to move on to new and better things.
These two stories, coming so close together, seem to be a message to me, but I'm not sure just what to do with that message. And here's where I'll get rambly...
In the Bible story, the disciples go back to what they do best, but then are told to do it in a new way. One lesson I'm hearing is that I need to go back to what I do best, but do it differently. That begs the question, what do I do best? And I really don't know the answer. There are glimmers of answers coming through, but perhaps because I've never felt truly *good* at anything, I'm rejecting all of them. So my own lack of self-confidence is getting in my way, and it's frustrating. I can't seem to see things clearly....the self-doubt and criticism is like a fog obscuring my way.
Another lesson I'm hearing loud and clear is that I need some new habits. I think I've known this for awhile, as I've felt stuck for a rather long time; stagnating and unsure of my future path. But I continue along my way, doing the same old thing, and waiting for some lightning bolt from heaven to tell me what to do next. Maybe this isn't a lightning bolt, but the message seems pretty clear.
Sorta. What habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to let go of so I can create new ones? Will just ANY new habit or activity bring about the change in my life that I'm seeking; the change that I'm sensing is right around the corner? Or does it have to be just the "right" habit/change? There's that perfectionism creeping in....if it's not the RIGHT habit, it won't work! Or is any change better than the stagnation I'm feeling now?
Then there's another lesson in the dog story. The silly dog won't even let go of the ball so it can be thrown again! The dog LOVES to chase and find the ball, but he won't let it go. Is he afraid that his owner won't throw it anymore? So he's got to cling to it with all his might? What about me? What am I holding on to? What am I clinging to that's preventing me from enjoying that same activity?
Told you....rambling.
This last 18 months has been really, really hard. Those of you who pay any attention to me at all are well aware of this. Tomorrow marks one year of gluten-free eating for Shannon. We've largely adjusted. I can scan an ingredient label like nobody's business, accepting or rejecting the product in a heartbeat! We've found suitable alternatives for most of Shannon's favorite foods. Some of them are expensive (her "granola" bars are $4 for a box of 6 and her crackers are $4.50 a box), but I'm grateful that we have the means to make it work. The other kids are sensitive to Shannon's needs, and careful about eating "forbidden favorites" around her. From what I can tell, she's accepted this lifestyle, though every now and then, she comments about missing one thing or another.
As a family, we're probably healthier. We don't eat out much. It's just too challenging and frustrating to find things she can eat. And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a paranoid control-freak about it. If I don't prepare it, how can I be *sure* it's safe for her? I imagine that will fade in time. It had better, because, at some point, the child will be on her own to manage all of this, unless I plan to go to college with her (hmmmmm........).
What I'm noticing, as I look back over the time since Tristan's diabetes diagnosis, is that I've lost that creative spark. I go through the motions with scrapbooks and sewing, but the spark just isn't there. I don't spend much time crafting, unless it's "scheduled," like my crops, or "tradition," like Easter dresses and grandma scrapbooks. I just don't feeeel like it. I don't feeeeel the inspiration that drives me down into the sewing room for hours at a time. Sometimes, there will be a bit of a nudge, but it's quickly shoved aside in favor of "more important" duties like laundry or cleaning out the pantry.
But those pursuits, including my writing, are an important part of me; a part of me that I'm losing. Or, more accurately, a part of me that I'm letting go. But I wonder if that's at the root of this uneasiness; this constant restless feeling. I just don't know. All of this is spinning around in my head and so very little of it makes sense.
We're so freaking busy right now, but I think I use that as an excuse. Wait, who am I kidding? I KNOW I use that as an excuse. And, of course, there's ALWAYS laundry to be done, meals to cook, cupboards to clean, walls to wash, closets to clean out, etc, etc, etc.
But I also KNOW that I MUST explore my creative outlets. Frequently. Or a part of me; perhaps even the best part of me, will die.
I can't let that happen.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
In a fog
Or a funk, or something.
Right now, life is simply overwhelming. And when I say that, I'm not talking about being so busy with the kids that I can't find time to use the restroom. I'm saying that getting out of bed in the morning is almost more effort than I can expend. And, honestly, if I had the option of letting the kids fend for themselves, I wouldn't bother.
Yesterday was a victory in small ways.....I went to the store after dropping the kids at school. We needed something for dinner. So, I went to the one store that had chicken on sale and I bought a bunch. Then I bagged it up to freeze in our new chest freezer. We wound up not eating it for dinner though, because Bruce came home and we ran some errands together (the dog was completely out of food and the thought of wading through Costco and hefting the 40 lb bag, well, yeah, see paragraph 1). We wound up eating roast chicken and french fries.
I got the girls organized enough that they ran a load of jeans for the family. Seriously, they sorted out the ones in their own hampers and put them in the washer. I found mine and Bruce's (I don't do Tristan's laundry anymore), and tossed them in. I started the washer, but Shannon put them in the dryer.
Funny aside: I told Shannon to put the jeans in the dryer. She did. And that's it. No dryer sheet, and she didn't turn the dryer on. She did *exactly* as I asked. I caught on pretty quick when I didn't hear the machine, but still. Why would I want her to put them in the machine and leave them there all wet?!
I also made a loaf of GF bread in the bread machine. This is a bit more work than your average bread. You have to thoroughly combine the 10 dry ingredients and do the same for the 6-8 wet ingredients, rather than just throwing it all in the pan and turning the machine on. But it's worth it when Shannon makes herself a PBJ for lunch.
And I moved most of the Croptoberfest debris back to it's home. There are a few lingering details, but the house is almost back to normal. Much of htis was accomplished while on the phone with a friend. If I'm on the phone, I can't be on this machine ignoring the world. I have to putter a bit, and it helps if I have 'company.'
After school, the girls wanted to know when I was going to do the Halloween decorating. And, as per paragraph 1, this is not something I really give a darn about. But the fall bin was out since I dug through it for stuff to use for Croptoberfest, so I told them to knock themselves out. It looks pretty cute. Not what I would've done, but fun nonetheless and the girls had a blast!
Today I'm having lunch with a friend. But I'm not sure I have the energy for make up. Except, see, I like to hide my struggles and make up sure helps that. I 'do' depression by presenting the "I'm just fine" facade to the world. Only those truly close to me can see past it. Those who read a Facebook status update of "I'm struggling to care," and really get it. But even that is a bit misleading....I'm always amazed at the people who truly do understand it. The helping hands that reach out when I'm trying to pretend I don't need them. Lifelines. Love. Understanding. Acceptance.
Bruce doesn't "get" it, but he loves me and he's loving me through this. And, I'm getting better at expressing myself. Trusting that he can handle it. I was apologizing for my lack of effort, explaining just how challenging things seem right now, and he said "You'll snap out of it" That sounds a bit flippant, but it's his way of expressing confidence in me. I will walk through this to the other side, despite wanting to sleep through it instead. And, he's accepting that this is where I'm at right now. I wish I could be that accepting of myself.
I'm asking for the help that I need......I need help coming up with what to fix for dinner. I don't really care, and that makes it hard to do that particular chore. Add in the gluten issue and the picky-eater issues....Tristan doesn't like fish or red sauce. And we can't just throw together some pasta (GF past takes FOREVER to cook and is expensive!). Not to mention I don't wanna make dinner. By the evenings, my apathy has reached a peak. I don't care. I want to go to bed. The kids came up with a few ideas, and Bruce is working on it too. I will go to the store, but I need someone else to make the effort of telling me what to buy.
And all of that makes me feel like a total failure. My kids have to do my job. That's wrong. And I don't care.......or maybe I do, but not quite enough to overcome the apathy.
Right now, life is simply overwhelming. And when I say that, I'm not talking about being so busy with the kids that I can't find time to use the restroom. I'm saying that getting out of bed in the morning is almost more effort than I can expend. And, honestly, if I had the option of letting the kids fend for themselves, I wouldn't bother.
Yesterday was a victory in small ways.....I went to the store after dropping the kids at school. We needed something for dinner. So, I went to the one store that had chicken on sale and I bought a bunch. Then I bagged it up to freeze in our new chest freezer. We wound up not eating it for dinner though, because Bruce came home and we ran some errands together (the dog was completely out of food and the thought of wading through Costco and hefting the 40 lb bag, well, yeah, see paragraph 1). We wound up eating roast chicken and french fries.
I got the girls organized enough that they ran a load of jeans for the family. Seriously, they sorted out the ones in their own hampers and put them in the washer. I found mine and Bruce's (I don't do Tristan's laundry anymore), and tossed them in. I started the washer, but Shannon put them in the dryer.
Funny aside: I told Shannon to put the jeans in the dryer. She did. And that's it. No dryer sheet, and she didn't turn the dryer on. She did *exactly* as I asked. I caught on pretty quick when I didn't hear the machine, but still. Why would I want her to put them in the machine and leave them there all wet?!
I also made a loaf of GF bread in the bread machine. This is a bit more work than your average bread. You have to thoroughly combine the 10 dry ingredients and do the same for the 6-8 wet ingredients, rather than just throwing it all in the pan and turning the machine on. But it's worth it when Shannon makes herself a PBJ for lunch.
And I moved most of the Croptoberfest debris back to it's home. There are a few lingering details, but the house is almost back to normal. Much of htis was accomplished while on the phone with a friend. If I'm on the phone, I can't be on this machine ignoring the world. I have to putter a bit, and it helps if I have 'company.'
After school, the girls wanted to know when I was going to do the Halloween decorating. And, as per paragraph 1, this is not something I really give a darn about. But the fall bin was out since I dug through it for stuff to use for Croptoberfest, so I told them to knock themselves out. It looks pretty cute. Not what I would've done, but fun nonetheless and the girls had a blast!
Today I'm having lunch with a friend. But I'm not sure I have the energy for make up. Except, see, I like to hide my struggles and make up sure helps that. I 'do' depression by presenting the "I'm just fine" facade to the world. Only those truly close to me can see past it. Those who read a Facebook status update of "I'm struggling to care," and really get it. But even that is a bit misleading....I'm always amazed at the people who truly do understand it. The helping hands that reach out when I'm trying to pretend I don't need them. Lifelines. Love. Understanding. Acceptance.
Bruce doesn't "get" it, but he loves me and he's loving me through this. And, I'm getting better at expressing myself. Trusting that he can handle it. I was apologizing for my lack of effort, explaining just how challenging things seem right now, and he said "You'll snap out of it" That sounds a bit flippant, but it's his way of expressing confidence in me. I will walk through this to the other side, despite wanting to sleep through it instead. And, he's accepting that this is where I'm at right now. I wish I could be that accepting of myself.
I'm asking for the help that I need......I need help coming up with what to fix for dinner. I don't really care, and that makes it hard to do that particular chore. Add in the gluten issue and the picky-eater issues....Tristan doesn't like fish or red sauce. And we can't just throw together some pasta (GF past takes FOREVER to cook and is expensive!). Not to mention I don't wanna make dinner. By the evenings, my apathy has reached a peak. I don't care. I want to go to bed. The kids came up with a few ideas, and Bruce is working on it too. I will go to the store, but I need someone else to make the effort of telling me what to buy.
And all of that makes me feel like a total failure. My kids have to do my job. That's wrong. And I don't care.......or maybe I do, but not quite enough to overcome the apathy.
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