And this is my brain.....

On winter....

Remember that old commercial with the fried egg?  This is your brain on drugs?

Well, this is my brain, on winter.

I've made no secret that I live with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which is not surprising considering my history of depression.  While others are going on about the beautiful colors of fall and how they can't wait to wear hoodies and drink cocoa under a cozy blanket on the couch, I find myself on my bathroom floor, crying, rocking back and forth, saying "no, no NO" over and over again.

True story.

And then I went to my acupuncturist for my season's supply of a supplement called "Shine" and set about moving forward.

I've learned the hard way that I simply can't allow the darkness to get too close for too long.  Fall is the time when it comes knocking, and I can actually feel it lurking around the corner, waiting to close in on me.  That darkness is tangible to me.  I fear it.  And yet, I've also come to accept it.

I've tried fighting it.  I've tried ignoring it.  I've tried to fake it and pretend it's not there.  But it is.  And I'm coming to understand and accept that this is an immutable part of me, just like my eye or hair color.

With that, comes a bit of freedom.  I used to see my depression as a weakness, something to hide, cover up, fight against.  But that implies that I should be ashamed of it.  And yet, I'm not ashamed of my hair color, my height, or my bra size.  This is just as much a part of me as those things are, and, in many ways, more valuable.  Maybe it's more akin to my intellect?  Something that I was predisposed toward, but can either nurture or stifle?

Clearly, I'm not finding quite the right metaphor.

The upshot is that I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of this.  This time of year is hard for me.  I'm not as productive or energetic as I am at other times.  Acknowledging and accepting that has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I know that, as the weather improves, my productivity and energy levels will increase.  And come next fall, they'll drop off again.  And that's going to have to be okay.