On Fear

I've never really been a worrier, not about most things. The maternal units are probably the most glaring exception to that, but in most instances, that's just not me. I don't worry about the kids at school or Bruce on his business trips. When we went to San Diego, I really didn't worry about the kids, and I didn't worry that something would happen to us. I just don't worry about those things the way some people do.

One of my cardinal rules is that decisions made out of fear are rarely the right ones. Decisions based in "I don't want...." or "what if?" almost never cross my mind. I'm generally one that looks at things and decides what I DO want and I go from there.

But Tristan's diabetes and the resulting hospital stay, plus the day-to-day living with it have truly shaken me to the core. Suddenly my world just doesn't seem safe anymore.

Today, on the way to take the girls to school, an ambulance went by with lights and sirens going. It turned down the street toward the Junior High. A fire truck followed just a few minutes later (there are often paramedics on fire trucks, so around here, a medical emergency gets you both). I felt this black thing gripping my heart.....it felt like my heart stopped for a moment, and I had to tell myself to breathe.

It was fear.

Fear that they were going to the Junior High because Tristan had passed out. Fear that something horrible had happened to him. Even now, as I type this, I can feel that fear again. There's really no logical reason for me to be this fearful. There are 1200 students at that school, and hundreds of residents in the area around it. They probably weren't even going to the Junior High.

And yet. Fear.

I can't quite shake it. Please tell me this gets better. Please tell me that it will get easier. Please tell me that I won't worry about losing him every waking moment.

But see, we almost DID lose him. Right now, that's so very close to the surface and the fear it brings is so new to me. I just don't know what to do with it, how to handle it, and most importantly, I don't know how to live with it.

I hate this.

I really really really hate this.

It's wrong on so many levels.

A child shouldn't have to stab himself 8 times a day or more. Childhood is not supposed ot HURT, damn it.

And I hate, more than anything, that I can't do a damn thing about it!

Because Peggy won't give me free stuff if I don't.....

I love my friend Peggy. She's amazingly talented and creative, though she says otherwise (she lies, but only about this). She posted this challenge and since I like free stuff, and Peggy's great at personal gifts, well, there ya go.

"Here's how it works: The first five people to leave me a comment get something made by me just for them. It can be anything I want, I get to choose. It can be silly or serious, edible or not, but don't plan on anything alive. There are a few rules involved (aren't there always?)

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It will be done sometime this year (Don't expect grand things if it takes a long time. I'm just lazy!).
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. (The choice is mine! --insert evil laugh here--)
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange and/or silly.

The catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they've posted on their blog win a hand made, super creative, possibly lovely whatever in the heck I decide! Be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it!"


I copied this EXACTLY from Peggy's blog. I'm not even sure I have 5 people reading my blog, but here it is! LOL!

Things I've Discovered on this Fast

It's day 15 and I've done really well. I haven't cheated, not even ONCE! I'm pretty proud of that. I don't know if I've lost any weight as I haven't stepped on the Wii Fit in a few days, but my jeans are looser, so that's something.

What have I learned?

1. I could never be vegan. I haven't missed meat all that much, but I could not live without cheese!

2. Who knew that the big temptation would be hot wings from Costco, purchased and cooked for the Super Bowl?! Very nearly the death of me.

3. My family LIKES veggies. I know this because they keep stealing the veggie entrees I make for myself and serve as a side dish for them. I make something, thinking there'll be leftovers for me to eat for lunch and the pigs eat my food!

4. I like hummus, in nearly all of it's varieties.

5. I do miss my Pepsi, though.

6. This style of eating takes some effort, and frankly, I'm tired of it! I can't just "grab and go" for breakfast. I have to really think about lunches, and dinner is almost more work than I'm willing to do.

7. Restaurants do have lots of options, if you know where to look. McD's and Burger King, yeah, not so much. But, Cafe Rio has a bean/rice/cheese burrito that I could eat on a whole wheat tortilla and minus the cheese. It was really good. Crown Burger's veggie burger (minus bun) is pretty good, and California Pizza Kitchen has lots of salads that are yummy!

I've even inspired my neighbor, who did do his own Daniel fast. He informed me that he would be refraining from eating both Daniels and lions for 21 days! ROFL! But, he's also, for the month of February, given up his favorite computer game. I'm impressed!