So my MIL died.....

(Look what I found in my "drafts" folder from MONTHS ago!  It feels unfinished, but I have no idea where I was going with it, so I'm publishing it as is).

There's really no good way to title this post, especially since y'all know my relationship with her was rocky at best.  If you'll recall, she broke her hip in early 2013, had surgery, had a pacemaker, found cancer, was miraculously "cured" of that cancer (clearly I have my doubts), but the leg break wasn't healing, so she wasn't ambulatory so she'd been in a nursing home/rehab center ever since.

All caught up now?  Good.  

She passed away on July 2.  And it really was time.  Maybe even past time.  I didn't like the woman.  There's no secret there, but she was still a human being and compassion says she'd been through too much.  In the end, she developed an infection (likely in her mouth as she refused to allow her dentures to be removed for cleaning), and her body simply shut down.  FIL knew it was happening, but wasn't with her when she died.  He's doing as well as can be expected.  I'm sure he misses her, but I'm equally sure he's been saying goodbye for a year and a half.   

We went up as quickly as we could arrange.  Thankfully, it was summer, so we didn't have to work around all of the school, sports and church activities that are a normal part of life September to May.  And then we cleaned.  

People, please, for the love of all that is holy, teach your family the importance of weekly cleaning!  PLEASE.  The toilets were horrific.  FIL put those blue tablet things in the tank and probably figured that was good enough.  It's not, of course.  And I'm sure much of the cleaning simply wasn't on his radar.  It wasn't something he did so he didn't really think about it, and then it gets out of hand and he doesn't have the expertise to fix it.  

Which is where I came in.  I packed some of my favorite cleaning products, plus a giant tub of disinfecting wipes and several pairs of gloves, and then I got to work.....and put my children to work too.  They now understand why I insist they clean the bathrooms once a week or so, even if it doesn't look dirty!  Under the water line in all 3 toilets was solid brown.  Hubby thought it was from the hard water, until I showed him the streaks the cleaner was making in the gunk.  To be fair, some of it was hard water, but much of it came off.  Some of it probably never will.  Oh well.  When it comes time to sell the house, Hubby and his brother will just replace the dang things.  

Then there was FIL's geriatric toy poodle who's never been properly house-trained.  That dog wets on everything!  We've known that for a while and have worked with FIL before to get things cleaned but it doesn't do much good with the dog still around (the dog was put to sleep the week after the funeral.  He was at least 19).  For a number of reasons, including FIL's tendency to hang on to lots and lots and lots of stuff, I'm sure we'll have to replace flooring eventually too because I'm quite certain that the dog lifted his leg on all kinds of corners in that house, and the furniture never got moved to clean underneath.  

I have to say, though, that FIL did really well with all of this.  He was willing to let some things go into the trash.  Other things went in that he'll hopefully never miss.  Having become an expert on this behavior from my diligent viewing of "Hoarders," I reminded DH that now was really not the time to push that issue, so we didn't run through the house tossing things hither and yon.  FIL allowed DH to throw away all kinds of things from the fridge.  "Dad, this mustard expired a year ago.  Do you even like mustard?  No?  Okay then we should toss it."  I think FIL has never really processed things in that way.  Someone left behind some almond or soy milk and that someone might want it.....probably not since it's long since expired.  That gave me quite a bit of hope that we'll be able to help him let go of things over the next few years.  

Growth hurts

(Another from the "drafts" folder that never got published.  As it's relevant to things I'm pondering for the new year, I'm publishing it too).

As I've said, many times before, I know there are good things coming.  Changes are happening in my life and they're going to be AWESOME.  I can feel it.

I'm continually frustrated when they don't seem to materialize, however.  I want a postcard from the Divine, thankyouverymuch, with clear instructions or a hint as to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Recently, (on the very long and boring drive across southern Idaho, in fact), I had a revelation.

See, my MIL is dying.  I'm not sure she realizes it.  I don't know that FIL has realized it or accepted it, and I'm quite certain that several of the other siblings will be rather shocked by this.  But, thankfully, my DH is accepting it.  His mother fell and broke her hip a couple of weeks ago.  During her surgery, the surgeon noticed that her bone was particularly crumbly and sent it off for a biopsy.  She has bone cancer, in addition to the hip fracture.

The thing is, MIL is not one to work to overcome obstacles.  She's a perpetual victim, powerless to make her life any different.  The recovery from a broken hip is very painful and difficult.  It requires determination that I just don't think she has.  She also suffers from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and dementia.  Her short term memory is pretty well shot.  With all of this, I didn't think she'd recover from the broken hip.  Now, with the cancer diagnosis, well, I think she'll be gone before Christmas.

This brings up all sorts of practical issues for me, issues that I'll process and write about at a later date.  Today is about my revelation.

Dh said something about how his mother had "lived a good life."  It was all I could do not to snort my disagreement.  Her life does not look "good" to me.  In fact, it looks pretty freaking miserable.  If that's the definition of a "good" life, then it's not a life I want to live.

And that's the revelation.  I've gotten rather spoiled and complacent.  (And whiny, if I'm honest).  I spend a lot of time doing very little and complaining about not having a fulfilling life.

Hello?!

Really, MIL has had an easy life.  Comfortable.  Safe.  Predictable.

Uninspired, boring, unenlightened as well, in my opinion (hey, it's my blog.  I get to be opinionated).

But, here's the thing.

I have a pretty easy, comfortable, safe, and (relatively) predictable life.  And I'm allowing myself to become complacent.  If I don't change something, I'll wind up sitting in my living room watching the world go by just like MIL.

That's the *last* place I want to end up.   So, it's time to make some adventures for myself, embrace the interesting, enlightening, adventurous and fun life I want to lead.  The life I want to, someday, be remembered for. 

Summer Craziness yet again!

Every year, I tell myself that THIS summer will be different. Um, yeah, I need to just shut up and enjoy the insanity because that's what it is! LOL!

Over Memorial Day, we went camping with our friends from church. We went to Palisade State Park, near Manti, UT. It was a lot of fun, but it was COLD. I was very grateful for the heater in the trailer because it dropped into the 40s at night. The days were pleasant enough, though, and the water was nice. The kids waded and played in paddle boats, canoes, and a lake kayak. It was a really laid-back trip, with no "must do" hikes or things to see, just books to be read, fish to be caught, and gossip to be had. LOL! Tristan caught a 12" rainbow trout. The irony there is that he doesn't like to eat fish. So he gave it to another of the boys who enjoyed it for dinner.

The last week of school followed, with kudos all around for the kids and their teachers. Shannon and Alana both won several awards, and I'm very proud. Shannon read more minutes over the course of the year than most of her class combined! So she won a $50 gift certificate for a college savings plan. Tristan did well, too, but they don't give as many awards at the junior high.

We also had the 6th grade party at a local park with bouncy blow up things (a bungee run and a water slide), plus grilled hot dogs and fixin's for lunch. That was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I was able to help out with it.

The week before, we'd had field day, with slip 'n slides and other fun outdoor games. The fire department came and doused the kids from the ladder truck, and I was in charge of popsicles for the entire school--500 to be exact! The local grocery store just happened to have them on sale that week, so we got all 500 for less than $35! SCORE!

The last day of school was awards and 6th grade graduation. Shannon is no longer an elementary student. It's bittersweet, that's for sure, watching her grow up.

So, let's see, then we went to the Outlaws for the weekend. You know how much I enjoyed that! But, we stayed in a hotel because MIL had been all worried about getting the house ready for our visit. We "did her a favor" and let her "relax and enjoy our visit" by staying in a hotel. She, in turn, wanted us to "share our opinion" about whether or not they need weekly help to come in and clean for them. I've actually been saying that for a while now, but, being an outlaw, my opinion really doesn't matter. FIL doesn't want to spend the money. My opinion, which I'm sure you're DYING to hear:
1. Yes, they need the help, though I think MIL would be rude, annoying, and probably racist, thus chasing away the people hired to help.
2. The house is getting to be too much for them. MIL is 83; FIL is 79. MIL is not in the best of health and she's not very mobile. Plus, she's losing her eyesight. I'm not sure FIL even sees the dirt anymore. I really think they need to downsize to something that's smaller and all on one level.
3. The biggest problem, though, is the overwhelming amount of STUFF! I've mentioned this about a zillion times before and it's still true. They need to get rid of about 75% of their junk.

A few anecdotes for your reading pleasure....
They cannot seem to comprehend even the basics of gluten-free eating. FIL suggested a sandwich shop and a pancake house for lunch. Um, HELLO?! I know some of the intricacies can be challenging, but how hard is it to understand that Shannon cannot eat wheat?! No bread; no pancakes. DUH!

At one point, MIL was sorting through a crate of papers on the desk. There was an old yellowing coloring book, but it had never been used, so she couldn't get rid of it. There was an old birthday card, signed by "Bill." No idea which of the 10 residents of the house it was for, and MIL couldn't remember anyone named Bill. So, I said, "If you don't know who it's to, and you don't know who it's from, then it's time to get rid of it." Oh, no! See, you can use the covers for projects! Um, with your failing eyesight? Really?! *sigh*

And the final thing, lunch on Sunday. MIL had been gunning for us to take her out all weekend. I told her that we generally don't go out much because it's hard to find restaurants with options for Shannon. She said she'd pay for it. Okay, um, how nice, but money is definitely NOT the problem. So round and round we went trying to choose a restaurant. How about Olive Garden? They don't have much for Shannon. Well, she can have salad. Gee, thanks. Chinese is out because most soy sauce is fermented with wheat. But can't she eat it if it's cooked? *snerk* MIL and FIL don't like Mexican much, so that was out too.....besides, MIL makes racist comments in Mexican restaurants. I mean, the nerve of Hispanics working there!

We finally settled on Johnny Carino's. Yes, it's Italian, but they have an entire page of gluten-free options. They GET IT! This is COOL! MIL had to comment on how expensive it might be, blah, blah, blah, and this is when FIL suggested that Subway might be a better choice. Um, NO! So we order and all is going well. Our waitress was on the ball with Shannon's needs, and generally lunch was pleasant. We paid for it, since there are 5 of us and 2 of them, and they split an entree while we ordered an appetizer. It just seemed like the thing to do. So, FIL "generously" offered to get the tip. Are ya ready for this?

The bill was $85 (not bad for 7 people at a fairly decent sit down restaurant).

FIL left......$7.00

Yes, a $7 tip on an $85 ticket.

And, yes, we added to it.

Really, because of the hotel, I didn't have to spend too much time with MIL. She rambled on here and there about stuff I don't care about, like reality TV shows and other random crap, but she wasn't horrible this tim earound. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping we've set a precedent with the hotel thing and we can do that every time we go up there. I'm also hoping we pick weekends that are NOT baseball tourney weekends, so the hotel is cheaper. LOL!

Then, we were home for 3 days, and the kids and I were off on another adventure! The Junior High Youth Group does a mission project up Pinecliff (our local church camp). I went so I could help Shannon with her food needs, and that meant that Alana had to come too, and we took Max, just for the fun of it! The mission project is basically cleaning up the camp to help get it ready for other camps throughout the summer. We cut down brush, dug boulders out of the parking lot (making it easier to mow), used said boulders to line the driveway and parking lot, picked up pine cones, and did some painting. That was Wednesday through Friday afternoon.

On Friday afternoon, more junior high kids arrived from around the state to participate in the junior high retreat weekend. Bruce drove up on Friday and took Alana and Max home. I was in a cabin with 6 girls, including Shannon.

I really don't think I'm cut out for the camp counselor thing. I don't think I'm very good at it, and much like last year, I don't feel like our cabin bonded very well. Time will tell, I suppose. The girls were sweet and fun, and maybe it's just that the three that I didn't know were introverts. *shrug* I keep finding myself in that position, and I probably will for awhile. I'm not comfortable sending Shannon up there by herself just yet as she struggles with being assertive about her food needs. For instance, she doesn't want to go first, even when told it's okay, because that's "butting" and that's bad. Sometimes, though, to avoid cross contamination, she NEEDS to get her food before everyone else!

The weather was absolutely frightful for the weekend, alternating between pouring rain, drizzling, and wicked winds. At 3:15 am on Saturday, our cabin door blew open and it would NOT stay closed. I finally put my luggage in front of it, but even then, it popped open a few more times. Several of the girls were up before 5:00, unable to sleep. We made the most of it, and we were extremely grateful for the space heaters!

So now I'm home, feeling like a tornado has gone through my house and we've got a busy week this week too. We're not traveling again until the weekend of the 10th, but then we've got another pair of back to back adventures.

This week, we have Shannon's birthday party on Wednesday, and then on Thursday, a coworker of Bruce's is coming for dinner. His daughter is a bit younger than Shannon and is also diabetic, so we're getting the girls together and sending them away to camp together in August. I'm looking forward to all of it, but my house needs HELP!!! LOL!

Tales from the Outlaw visit

1. We made homemade salsa and I made a tandoori sauce for the chicken we were having. This brought up a conversation about double-dipping (taking a bite out of a chip then dipping it back into the salsa/dip). Apparently, until the TV show "The Doctors" did an episode on the subject, MIL wasn't sure that she really shouldn't double-dip. She needed a TV show to tell her that it was gross.

Within minutes, she asked, while nibbling at a chip, if she could try the tandoori sauce as a dip. I said "Sure"....she reaches for the dip "but let me get you a fresh chip." *nervous giggle*

YUCK!

2. They came down for a "visit" to pick our grapes so FIL could take them home to make wine that no one likes, but whatever. They arrived Friday at 2 pm and left Saturday before noon (it's a 3 hour drive home). On the one hand, short visits work great for me. On the other, I feel a bit used. They haven't come to see us in over 2 years, and this is what they can manage? Bruce had Friday off, so they could've come Thursday afternoon/evening and had more time with all of us.

The other problem with this visit is that now it's "our turn." Again. And Thanksgiving is right around the freaking corner. UGH!

3. MIL complained quite bitterly about how "no one has time to sit and visit any more. Everyone is so busy. They just have to GO and DO things."

First, what could I possibly have to visit with you about? The reality is that I just don't like you. You don't like me. Pretending otherwise for hours while we "visit" is painful and a waste of my life.

Second, if you want to visit, how about sticking around long enough for it to happen?

Third, do you even vaguely remember what it was like to have kids at home? Granted, her kids were not in many activities, so I think that's where some of this complaining comes in, but she had *8* kids. Surely she remembers what it was like to be busy with them.

4. Tristan went straight from school on Friday to his music lesson and then to a Scout campout. The Outlaws went with Bruce to take Tristan to these things so that they could see him. And whined about how far it is to the music lesson (it's about a 20 minute drive if traffic isn't bad). We don't mind it one bit, ya old biddy. This, of course, led to a discussion about how life in Idaho is so much better than life here in Salt Lake. Dream on lady!

5. I had a yard sale on Saturday morning. This had been planned (just like the Scout trip) for weeks before they decided to come and get the grapes. Considering their history of cancelling visits at the last minute, I wasn't rearranging my life over this. Having a yard sale with Depression-era people around is amusing, to say the least!

A. We were selling a treadmill. Someone called about it the night before and I quoted him a price of $20. FIL about had an apoplectic fit over that. See, new they're at least $500 (this one probably was closer to $800 new, 5+ years ago). But I really didn't care. I wanted it out of my house. The next day, we discovered that the small bumple on the belt had grown to a full-blown tear (fixable with duct tape, I suppose). A new belt is $100, so I really couldn't justify selling it for more than that. We sold it for the $20 to a lovely family and I'm sure they'll enjoy it far more than I!

B. I was selling a number of articles of clothing, sweaters I no longer wear, sweatshirts that aren't my style anymore, stuff I bought on clearance and just didn't ever wear it....you know the drill. MIL kept pulling things off that table "This is a pretty sweater. You should keep it." Yes, it's pretty, but *I* don't wear it.

I was also selling sweatshirts with our college logo on it. Since we went to University of Idaho, several of them simply say Idaho in the school colors. MIL said, probably 4 times, that we might go back to Idaho and therefore should keep the sweatshirts. (Because we need to look at our shirts to know where we are? Or we're not allowed into the state unless we have the appropriate label? Never did figure out that reasoning).

This sort of conversation went on and on and on.....This is brand new, why are you selling it? This is handy, you might need it someday. These are fun things, you should keep them......I must have said "I don't use them" 20 times that morning.

And this is the woman who wants me to come and help her have a garage sale? When I told her that the rule was that what goes out does not, under any circumstances, come back in, she quickly said we should start with FIL's stuff! ROFL!

C. Bruce sold two different lawn mowers, both needing some minor work, to a group of men who, I think, either had or were starting their own business. They were driving a tiny 4-door car that already had a bike and another mower hanging out of the trunk. When we realized that they only lived about 5 miles away, Bruce offered to deliver the mowers for them. He got the trailer, loaded 'em up, and off he went. They offered gas money and paid Bruce $10 for his trouble.

All of this was taking place at about the time the Outlaws had decided it was time to leave. They had to be talked into waiting until Bruce returned before taking off!

6. MIL kept trying to buy stuff from the sale. I kept tellilng her that she didn't need it and when she dies in 5-30 years, I'd just have to try to sell it to someone else. The 5 years part ticked her off! But, really, she's 82 years old!

7. That started a conversation about how she wants to live to be 105. Just because. *groan*

8. A puzzling moment that we haven't quite figured out yet. MIL asked Bruce if he blamed them for something.....not sure what though. See, apparently BIL said something to MIL about blaming his parents for something. I can see BIL telling MIL he "blamed her" for something in a funny, joking manner, like I tell my dad it's his fault that I can't flush a live goldfish (dad taught me an overwhelming respect for life.....eating it is fine, wasting it is not). I can also see BIL telling MIL he blames her for other things, like the choices he made as a teen/young adult. Or I can see MIL taking something he said that was totally unrelated and turning it on herself. We're curious, but nailing MIL down about these things is dang-near impossible. She rambles and doesn't make much sense and then gets mad when you ask for more info or clarification. I don't envy Bruce that conversation (he may not even have it)!

So, there ya have it. I did walk away several times when the conversation turned to Neice who's recently announced she's getting married in Ocotober 2010. The problem comes, not with the engagement, but with all the "we'll see if she actualy goes through with it," and "I don't know that this is a good idea," and "She's always been rather impulsive," blah, blah, blah, badmouth-neice-some-more.

And I referred to the room they slept in as my "office," rather than the guest room because, well, 350 days a year, that's exactly what it is and I don't want them getting the idea that it's their territory.

MIL left a full bar of soap because she didn't have a dish to take it home in.....she refused the offer of a ziploc bag. She also left a washcloth. She leaves a wash cloth every single trip, and then, when I try to return it to her, claims it isn't hers, despite it's matching the towels in her bathroom. The soap was tossed and the cloth was added to my rag pile.

Oh, one more weird thing they do, at least *I* think it's weird. They stopped for lunch and brought their leftovers with them. Then they kept trying to get Bruce and I to eat them. I think that's a bit odd. We're not talking about rolls or the crackers from the soup or whatever. We're talking about "This was on my plate, I couldn't finish it, why don't you eat it?" Maybe because I'm not blood-related to them, but I think that's nasty! Of course, I simply politely refused, but EWWW!

MIL Strikes Again

When we last left our dubious heroine, there was the minor matter of a possible heart attack. Or perhaps it was actually heartburn. No answers on that front, so I'm quite certain she's been told it was NOT a heart attack. If that was even hinted, we'd be inundated with "I could drop dead any day now" phone calls, coupled with long litanies of all the medications and steps being taken to prevent her demise.

But the conversation yesterday went something like this....

MIL: How are the kids?
DH: They just got back from Diabetes Camp....
MIL: Now, are you really sure Shannon has diabetes?

Yes, folks, she actually said that. Bruce laughed himself senseless and told her that yes, both children do, indeed, have diabetes. I mean really? REALLY?! Nah, Shannon doesn't have diabetes....we just like giving injections so much we decided to test them on her too.

Good grief!

Bruce's only response is that clearly, his mother is losing it.