Rambling thoughts

I'm in Idaho visiting my parents for a few days for my sister's graduation from nursing school. I'm so proud of her I could burst, and, while the timing isn't the best (it is crazy MAY after all), I wouldn't miss this event for all the world.

But, this visit is stitlted to say the least. It's superficial and surface and all of that, and it makes me sad. I simply can't share myself right now. I can share the details of life and gluten-free cooking and diabetes supplies and all of that, but I can't share what's truly going on with me. It's not safe for me to make myself vunerable here. I can't even bring out the book I'm reading without some comment from mom. I mentioned that I read fantasy novels and mom made this snorting sound like that's just a waste of literary life. Okay mom, whatever. I don't read murder mysteries like she does, but I don't criticize her reading choices!

Of course, there's a part of me that gets a perverse pleasure in showing her just how different we really are. Maybe I should bring out that book! LOL!

I'm not putting this very well.....I'm staying true to myself, but I'm just not sharing it with her. So, am I really being true to myself? I think, for now anyway, the answer is yes. I'm stronger these days, but I'm still a bit fragile. Right now, being true to myself means that I need to protect myself a bit. I'm just not up for defending my spiritual journey (The Secret), my emotional journey through my reading and writing, or my fragileness. Perhaps I'm choosing the path of least resistance. But, let's face it, I just don't have the strength to deal with it, especially since I shouldn't have to.

It's a bit frustrating, though, because I do have time on my hands. Time that I don't need to spend cleaning or doing laundry or chasing children. But, I can't really use that time to write or read for fear of the backlash. Uh-oh. Am I making that choice out of fear? Probably. *sigh* Something I really don't like to do....decisions based in fear are almost never the right ones. But, then again, fear is a protective mechanism, when it's appropriate fear.

Geez, I'm going in circles! Time to quit and grab my journal and write a bit.

The excitement never ends.....

LOL!

Last night, Bruce and I went to a banquet for his work. It was a lovely evening, with good food and a chance to be out amongst grown ups! I got to meet the man who went on the business trip instead of Bruce when Shannon was hospitalized and thank him.

We left the kids to take care of themselves, which was a first. We've left them here and there during the day, but not for an evening. We got Shannon a frozen GF pizza and Papa Murphy's for the other two. They did really well, with the house only mildly disasterized, and they didn't call us even once!

Tristan, who told us he'd do the dishes before we got home, actually started them about the time we walked in the door. A plate had cracked in the dishwasher and came out in two pieces. Tristan was fascinated by this silly plate....can we glue it? Why not? Look how smooth the edges are, etc....and he wouldn't put the stupid thing down. Finally, Bruce told him, VERY SHARPLY to take the blasted thing out to the big trash can before someone got hurt. And we went upstairs to change our clothes.

Shannon came running up the stairs about 20 minutes later......panic in her voice, "mommy, mommy, mommmy, mooooommmmmy"

Yep, he'd dropped it on his foot while (finally) taking it out to the trash, resulting in a lovely cut on the top of his foot. It was a little over an inch long, on the pinky toe side of his foot, about halfway between toes and ankles.

Did I mention it was 9:25? And Bruce and I were both in our PJ pants? :rolling eyes:

So, while Bruce got dressed, I called urgent care and found one without a wait and off the boys went. Tristan now has 4 stitches. They'll come out about 10 days, but because of the diabetes, it may take a bit longer to heal.

Really, just another Friday night at our house! LOL!

They say it's a process

and, Lord, how I hate that cliche. Especially since it seems to be true. I hate hate hate being a cliche!

So, this GF thing has started to normalize in our house. At first, all I could see were the myriad of things Shannon couldn't have....the bread and pasta and cookies and doughnuts and tortillas. Side dishes with dinner are still a struggle for me and I'm actually considering canning my own potatoes in an effort to speed up the dinner process.

But, now I see the tremendous number of things Shannon CAN eat. She can't have baked goods, and that's a pain in the backside. The pizza thing was a bit of a let down. The bread thing is frustrating and discouraging at times. But she's never been a picky eater, and we've found lots of things that she really likes. I've found lots of companies who clearly label their products--Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Feneral Mills, M & M Marsy, Nestle and Frito-Lay. More and more companies are getting on the labelling bandwagon, making my life much easier. Even Walmart's generic products are labelled well, and both their soy sauce and Worchestershire sauce are GF.

We've found some wonderful crackers made with Almond Flour from Blue Diamond. They're about $3 a box, which is a normal cracker price. I never pay that for regular crackers, but wait until they go on sale and stock up, so that's still a bit high for me, but Shannon loves them and I'm watching for sales on those too.

And, I found the cutest book at the library. It's called The Gluten Free Kid by Melissa London. It's actually a true story that started as a 12 yo's school project. Her parents took the idea and ran with it, publishing a book about Celiac disease for kids. Shannon loves this book! I'll be taking my Borders 40% off coupon and buying it, that's for sure.

So, today's a good day. Mostly anyway. I'll be baking another round of bread and hoping it turns out. If not, I've got a couple other recipes waiting to try, including a recipe for rolls that could be used for hamburger and hot dog buns. Wish me luck!

Another bread attempt--Update

I'm using a recipe from Bob's Red Mill, and I'm crossing my fingers it works. There seemed to be an awful lot of liquid in it, but now it's on the second rise and seems to be doing just right.

It's this recipe: http://www.bobsredmill.com/recipes_detail.php?rid=124

But I had to modify it just a bit. I didn't have an guar gum or soy lecthin, so I didn't include them, and I had potato starch, but not potato flour. Getting to 3/4 cup of egg took a bit of doing. Worked out to be 3 eggs, plus the white of a 4th. My dog is liking the yolks he's getting from all these recipes that use whites. His coat should be shiny shiny shiny!

Update--Well, Shannon didn't like it. I thought it was the best attempt so far, but she didn't agree. I think she's still comparing it to "regular" bread and it's really not the same. After a trip to the store today, I'll try again. There are dozens of recipes out there. We'll keep trying until we find one that works for her.

A light?

Maybe? Today I'm feeling inspired to get the house in order, at least a little bit. Over the weekend, Bruce remodeled my cabinets a bit to make them more accessible. You know that cupboard near the sink that's always got a tiny door and goes WAY back to the wall? Many kitchens have one of those. Well, Bruce cut a door in the back side, under our breakfast bar, so we can use that space better. I cleaned out several cupboards, got rid of a few things, and organized the rest. Now we've got a dedicated space for Shannon's waffle iron, toaster, and bread maker, plus all the containers of different flours and starches.

So, today, I'll work on a few other things around the house....laundry (there's always laundry), and tidying up the living areas, plus the master bedroom and bath.

But the light is that I'm feeling a pull to start scrapbooking again. Like an itch to get out the pictures and start cutting and pasting, matching colors and mounting things. I almost didn't recognize it, but there it is. You have *no* idea how great that feels!

Tapped out.....again

I have absolutely no reserves these days. And I'm exhausted. Physically, I could sleep for days if the laundry and dishes would stop haunting my dreams. Emotionally, I'm dried up and dusty and yet crying at the same time. (I never promised to make sense.)

I'm discouraged. I've tried two different GF bread recipes and Shannon, so far, is not impressed. She liked the second one well enough, but didn't like her sandwich at lunch today. She's trying so very hard not to hurt my feelings because she knows I'm trying to help and she knows it's a lot of work (3 trips to the health food store in 2 days), but she just doesn't like it. I imagine she's discouraged too.

Tonight we ordered GF pizza from Pier 49, plus another "regular" pizza for the rest of the family. Total: $35!!! And my dingbat husband "forgot" that I don't eat pizza. I don't like it, especially not bready, doughy, yucky regular pizza. This is not a new thing. I haven't eaten regular pizza in ages. And, he ordered pepperoni, which Alana doesn't like, and never has. I swear, some days he's just not very aware of the rest of this family.

Shannon seemed to like the pizza at first blush, but then said "it's good, but I'm just not in the mood for it." I think that translates to "I miss regular pizza, damn it, and this crap doesn't measure up!"

So, I'm discouraged. And exhausted. And trying to find the energy to even think about tomorrow....

8:15 Tristan has to be at church to catch a ride to camp to help another Scout with his Eagle project up there.
9:00 Alana has a soccer game
10:15 Alana has dance rehearsal

5:00 Alana's dance show, complete with make up and hair. The hair shouldn't be too hard, since she cut most of it off.

The dance show is actually 2 shows and runs until about 9:00 or so. Somewhere in there, I need to round up a craft project and coloring pages to keep the dancers busy back stage, grab a box or two of CapriSuns for them, cut the belt buckle off her costume, do her hair and make up, and wash her dance tights. Why both pairs are dirty is beyond me, but they are.

Sunday we've got church in the morning, and Shannon has Tween Flicks in the evening, where they'll serve pizza that she can't eat. Tristan will be gone most of the day for his Confirmation retreat. He'll be back just in time for youth and bells.

Bruce leaves town Monday (returning Wednesday morning), and Tristan has Scouts or a baseball game, or both.
Tuesday is soccer practice for Alana.
Wednesday is a baseball game, plus a business meeting for me.
Thursday is a soccer game.
Friday is a banquet.
Saturday is my crop.

Sunday is Mother's day.
That Tuesday, I leave for my sister's graduation, home on Saturday. The list of things I need to do before I leave just so that Bruce will have a clue what to do with the kids (soccer? Where? Carpool?) is so long that I'm just ignoring it and pretending I've got a month to get organized. Probably not the best plan, but tonight, I'm simply too tired to care.

Success!

I checked out half a dozen gluten-free cookbooks from the county library, and there are dozens more available. It's a matter of trial and error right now.

Today, we made GF waffles for our traditional Saturday morning breakfast, and they're GOOD! Yippee!!

Breakfast has been a bit difficult. We tried a GF peanut butter cereal that she didn't like, so she's been eating eggs. But now, we've got waffles! And she's got her own dedicated toaster so she can toast some during the week if she wants to. I also made up a pot of rice last night and she liked that with butter, cinnamon, and sugar. We're still looking for other breakfast alternatives, but it feels good to have a handle on that right now.

The waffles are made with corn starch and xanthan gum. See, gluten provides the binder for many bread products. It's the stuff that holds breads together. So, you have to adjust recipes and hope they don't fall apart. Xanthan gum helps provide that binding agent as well. But, wow....it's EXPENSIVE. Or at least it was a shock to see that $12.99 price tag on an 8 oz package. But, then again, the waffle recipe requires only 1/4 teaspoon, and from my skimming of other recipes, this stuff will last a while.

I've still got lots to do and lots to process. The house seriously looks like a tornado hit. The kitchen needs a thorough cleaning out. I need to sort through the refrigerater and get rid of things that Shannon can't have (soy sauce can be made with wheat....who knew?). Same thing for the pantry. My neighbor was thrilled to recieve the Costco-size jug of soy sauce and the oyster sauce we can't use. She'll be getting a bottle of Worchesterchire sauce, and probably some other things. And, we'll be making a hefty donation to the food bank as well, things like barbeque sauce, packaged potato mixes, noodle mixes, rice mixes and more.

This is HUGE learning curve for all of us. There are lots and lots of things that Shannon CAN eat. But, I have to read labels and try to remember or cross-check all those long-winded names of different things. Some companies are better about labelling than others. Kraft is AWESOME. They make it very easy to determine if their products contain gluten. So far, they're the best I've found.

But, this morning is a good day. Our Saturday morning tradition is intact. Shannon can have the waffles she loves. Praise the Lord!

Maybe I really can do this.