But, this visit is stitlted to say the least. It's superficial and surface and all of that, and it makes me sad. I simply can't share myself right now. I can share the details of life and gluten-free cooking and diabetes supplies and all of that, but I can't share what's truly going on with me. It's not safe for me to make myself vunerable here. I can't even bring out the book I'm reading without some comment from mom. I mentioned that I read fantasy novels and mom made this snorting sound like that's just a waste of literary life. Okay mom, whatever. I don't read murder mysteries like she does, but I don't criticize her reading choices!
Of course, there's a part of me that gets a perverse pleasure in showing her just how different we really are. Maybe I should bring out that book! LOL!
I'm not putting this very well.....I'm staying true to myself, but I'm just not sharing it with her. So, am I really being true to myself? I think, for now anyway, the answer is yes. I'm stronger these days, but I'm still a bit fragile. Right now, being true to myself means that I need to protect myself a bit. I'm just not up for defending my spiritual journey (The Secret), my emotional journey through my reading and writing, or my fragileness. Perhaps I'm choosing the path of least resistance. But, let's face it, I just don't have the strength to deal with it, especially since I shouldn't have to.
It's a bit frustrating, though, because I do have time on my hands. Time that I don't need to spend cleaning or doing laundry or chasing children. But, I can't really use that time to write or read for fear of the backlash. Uh-oh. Am I making that choice out of fear? Probably. *sigh* Something I really don't like to do....decisions based in fear are almost never the right ones. But, then again, fear is a protective mechanism, when it's appropriate fear.
Geez, I'm going in circles! Time to quit and grab my journal and write a bit.
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