Changes.....

There are changes afoot at my house this spring. I've been offered, and have accepted, a long-term subbing position teaching 3rd grade for a teacher who is having a baby this week. I'll start after Spring Break, April 2nd to be exact, and I'll teach at least until Memorial Day. The teacher is planning to be back for the last week of school, but we'll see what motherhood brings for her.

Apparently, the teacher had one long-term sub lined up, but she cancelled. The next sub needed at least 10 days off over the next 8 weeks, which the principal felt was simply too much instability and upheaval for the kids, so she called me and asked if I was interested. With a bit of trepidation, I said yes. The teacher and I have talked quite a bit this week and she has great confidence in me. I'm not as confident, but I'll do my best, and I can wing it with the best of them. There will be field trips and end-of-year testing in there, which will give me a bit of a break, so we'll see how it all goes.

I'll be at Alana's elementary school, and while I've never taught in this particular class, I have worked with the special ed kids from her class when I subbed special ed a few weeks ago.

I'm a little worried about the home front, honestly. Our family is structured around my being at home, or mostly at home. The older kids are quite used to mom picking them up from school every afternoon, and Alana has really never known me to be anything other than a SAHM. But, this is a great opportunity, and I can do a service for this teacher who needs someone she can count on to take "her kids." I understand and appreciate that sentiment. I'm fortunate to have a supportive husband whose job is somewhat flexible. He's already scheduled to take Alana to a couple of her orthodontist appointments that are during school hours and can't be rescheduled.

I think the hardest part will be not having any alone time, or at least not having as much as I'm used to. As it is now, if I need a break, I simply choose not to work on a given day. And much of my free time has just flown out the window. But, really, it's only for 8-9 weeks. I'll live and appreciate summer all the more, I think.

On a more practical level, how in the world do I get the laundry and grocery shopping done?! I'm going to have to go shopping on Saturday or Sunday, and I have to tell you, the thought of the grocery store on Saturday gives me hives! I may just turn into one of those crazy people who haunts the halls of Walmart at 2:00 in the morning! LOL!

The Mystery (and Frustration) of Reiki

I had a session with a Reiki practitoner last week. It was interesting, but I'm left will all kinds of questions afterward. I woke up horribly dizzy that morning, so she did what she could to "ground" me, and it really did help. By the next day, the dizziness was gone.

As we started, she asked me to set an intention. I started with "contentment" but she said that I really can't have that since it's not part of my personality. I was a bit taken aback at that, to be honest. But she explained that I'm a dynamic person, one who does not accept the status quo, so contentment just might be beyond my reach.

So, we settled on 'acceptance' for my intention.

And then things got weird....and frustrating.

She said several cryptic things that I still haven't figured out much of anything. She told me that I need to be aware before I can accept, but wouldn't get more specific and that's driving me crazy. I said that I consider myself to be pretty self-aware, and her response was "self-aware, but not aware." Aware of what? What am I missing? Grrrr!!

That led to a bit of discussion about how not being aware can be a protective mechanism, which reminded me of when I was in college and had a really bad break up. I was absolutely convinced that we'd get back together, get married, and live happily ever after. I was slightly delusional (just a bit...shut up Trish!), but I also think it was my mind's way of protecting me. If I'd had to accept that all at once, in my emotionally fragile state, it would've been simply more than I could do. Over time, as I healed I gradually came to understand that things were over, and it was okay.

I mentioned this to her, and she said that I was missing a few steps in there. Okay......?

When talking about the dizziness, she said it was still around a bit and "we both know why." Um, no, no we don't!!

She had me choose colors and used those to choose scents for me. The first color that came into my head was red, but I went to purple instead. She asked for a second one and I said red, and then she chose a third scent. I recognized the first scent, but I can't recall now what it was. The second one smelled terrible. My first reaction to that was "YUCK!" The third one was very calming. I thought it was chamomile, but it was lavender. I think she was a bit surprised when I recognized it.

She placed a scented cloth over my eyes which smelled of grapefruit and I relished it. I finally asked her what that was about, and she turned it around on me, asking what it meant to me. I love the smell of grapefruit. I'm not as wild about the flavor, but the smell is one of my favorites, which begs the question of why. It's a crisp, zesty scent. Then she asked if I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. And grapefruits are a warm weather, tropical, SUNNY fruit. She told me that it would help to have grapefruits and other citrus around to help with the winter blahs that hit me so hard this time of year.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and some writing, but it's still so frustrating. I've said before that I'm a road map and reservation kinda girl. I want to know the answers and if I don't know the answer, I want to know where to find the answer. This isn't that kind of situation; at least, so far, I've resisted that route. We'll see how long that lasts as I'm curious and I'm sure my library will have some books on Reiki and the like.

She told me that I've got an inquisitive mind and that sometimes gets in the way of these things. So, for now, I've been just letting it lie and hoping for inspiration. But the inspiration and insight isn't coming and that bugs me. I want answers and I want the NOW, thankyouverymuch!

I know. You're shocked.

I did have one thought about the whole "aware but not aware" thing. I got to thinking of all the things that I'm aware of but I don't pay any attention to. Imagine trying to be aware of every single little thing around you. We'd go completely crazy with information overload! Our brains are, on some level, aware of all kinds of things that we don't pay any attention to. It filters all the input and shows us what we need to see. Sometimes our brain lets us down, though, and we miss something important.

I know I'm aware of all kinds of things in my house that I don't really pay attention to until it matters. For instance, I can tell you who is walking up the stairs while laying in my bed. I even do it when I'm asleep! Aware, but not aware.

So perhaps that applies in this situation too, though I haven't figured out quite how.

And it's annoying the tar out of me!

On Fresh Starts

I don't know about you, but I have this idea that I need to wait until a traditional moment to start something new--a Monday, first of the month, New Year's, etc. Recently, the thought struck me....Why?

Why do I wait to make those changes until next week or next month, or even tomorrow? What is that about?

I think some of it is pure laziness. I know I probably shouldn't eat yet another turnover or piece of chocolate, but I'll give it all up for Lent. I know I should probably quit after the first hour of Facebook games (I wish I were kidding), but inertia has taken over so I'll do that tomorrow.

And maybe it's a chance to give myself permission to be naughty for now and be good later. I don't know. I really haven't figured out why I do it.

So in the last few weeks, I've been trying to start NOW rather than waiting to make a good choice tomorrow. It's not working all the time, but it is helping. When I hear myself thinking "I'll change that tomorrow/next week," I stop and ask myself why I'm waiting. it's all a process, and I sure wish someone could answer the million dollar question of why it's easier to break good habits than it is to break bad habits? What is that about?

Yesterday a Feast; Today a Fast

Yesterday was Mardi Gras/Shrove Tuesday, or the party that precedes Lent. As ya'll know, I give up things for Lent. In many ways, this is my New Year and my time to really work to break bad habits that are getting in the way of my spiritual life, not to mention my life in general. This year, like last, I'm giving up junk food and computer games. That includes games on my phone, where I often get stuck playing solitaire or Angry Birds for hours.

In the place of those time wasters, I'm taking on more writing, reading, and crafting....the things that feed my soul rather than sucking time. I've started a blog to showcase some of my crafts and creative ideas, which is a big leap for me because it's public, unlike this one which is much more private.

Each year, this time allows me a chance to work to break bad habits and, as I yearn for spring and the new life it brings, I feel more appreciative of the things I have. And it always takes a while for those bad habits to creep back in, which is a good thing.

It's funny how knowing you can't have something suddenly makes you want it more. I've had more junk in the last few days than I've eaten in a month! ROFL!

She's back and she's whining

You've been warned.

Tuesday was my Dad's birthday. It was also a completely insane day in my world. I left the house at 8 and didn't get home until about 12 hours later. Tristan left at 6:30 and didn't get home until almost 10; same for Bruce. Even Alana had an after school activity, so she was gone for nearly 12 hours too.

So, at about 6:30 pm (5:30 their time), mom called to point out that I hadn't called dad yet for his birthday. Because, of course, if I hadn't done it by dinner time, then I wasn't going to. Made me really mad. Dinner time was the first time we'd all been together all freaking day and I was catching up a bit with my family, you know, the one I created.

It gets better. Tuesdays are bowling night for my dad. He goes out to dinner and then bowls in a league. It's been this way for a couple of decades, at least. So, yesterday being Tuesday, Dad went bowling.

I don't know if mom got my hints and irritation when I told her that we'd been running all day (I don't think mom can get her head around the idea of me working, especially now that she's not). And I did call my dad, on his cell phone, catching him as he was getting his bowling shoes on. He was pleased to hear from us, but the thing is, HE DOESN'T CARE. He understands how things can be and he's not all hung up on celebrating on the very day of his birthday. He'd much rather we call and chat when we have time to really talk.

Now mom is another story. She would've been very hurt if we hadn't called her by dinner. And we still wouldn't have called her before dinner because it just wasn't possible. So mom projects her feelings onto my dad and then calls and pesters me in an effort to help heal the hurt that isn't there in the first place! DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

This isn't the first time mom has done this sort of thing, though she usually saves the worst of it for my sister who lives closer. A few years ago, mom got all bent out of shape because Melany was unwilling or unable to visit on a school night for dad's birthday (Melany lives about 40 miles from my parents). Again, Dad didn't care in the least. He understood that his birthday generally is just another weekday and the world doesn't rearrange itself to allow for that. Mom, yeah....notsomuch.

And, of course, feeling like a chastised child who then does what mommy told her to do only takes away from the genuine affection for my father. It cheapens a gesture I was going to make anyway and that makes me sad. There's a rebellious part of me that would've *loved* to ignore the "summons" from my mother, but that would hurt my dad which isn't fair to him. It's not his fault that his wife gets a little nutty about this stuff.

*Sigh* And now I don't know what to do. Do I mention anything to my mom? Do I tell her that I don't like being treated like a 40 year old child who needs to be told what to do, when to do it, and how? Or do I let it go until next year, when she will, undoubtedly, do it again?

A few crafty things

I've been busy in the craft room, making a box for my Christmas CDs and painting/decorating a crate for the Christmas movies. Pictures are coming, I promise.

I can attest to the brilliance of an idea I saw on Pinterest.....using pushpins to hold up an item you're painting. It worked fantastically on the crate, raising it just high enough for me to paint the lower edges without worrying about it sticking to the newspaper.

I'm thinking of starting a separate blog for some of my craft pictures/posts since I'd like to "pin" them, but this blog is really more personal than that and I don't want it pinned for the world to see and comment on, kwim? I'll keep you posted about that too.

Looking Back

It's easy, I think, to look back and lament the setbacks, frustrations, and disappointments of the past. I don't know why we're wired that way, or at least, why *I'm* wired that way, but there it is. I certainly do that when talking about myself, while, at the same time, building others up.

And I'm already rambling....

Anyway, I'm looking back at 2011 in a bit of a different light, wanting to celebrate what I've accomplished, rather than lament what I haven't gotten to yet.

As a family, we've switched to an all-cash economy, so to speak. As a result, we're spending more on what matters and less on what doesn't. When the cash is gone, we stop spending, at least until payday! We've paid cash for all of our trips--camping trips, a trip to northern Idaho, and my sister's entire visit in June. No lingering credit card bills to pay off. That feels good!

(Funny aside.....When we bought my new laptop, I paid for the second half of it using the CC because I wasn't sure where the money was--I knew we had it but I didn't know which debit card to use so I used the CC because it buys time to move money around if necessary. About the same time, Bruce was paying for wreaths for our church fundraiser with the same credit card. So we went from no balance for several months, to nearly $3K charged in 30 minutes. Not 30 minutes later, we had a message from our credit union, wanting to verify that the charges were legit!).

We paid cash for a new set of hearing aids for Tristan. Cash for all car repairs, cash for home repairs, cash for the deductible when I crashed the van, cash for all of the kids' activities, cash for my new laptop, and cash for Christmas.

I've struggled with this, honestly. Right now, we're focused on paying off debt and we're making progress. We paid off the bills from our Disney World adventures and we now own the our camping trailer. It's ours! But, the hard part for me is that it's not tangible. We're not buying anything or saving up for a big fancy trip or anything. We're just watching numbers on the computer screen get smaller. Big whoop.

But, today, as Bruce was doing the bills, he looked at the totals. We've paid off nearly $35,000 in debt! That includes car loans, the trailer, student loans, and the mortgages (we have a second). By the end of 2012, we should own both vehicles, and have the second paid off as well.

We've also got more money in savings than ever before. We've got a cushion against life, really. And that feels good.

Even when I'm being a whiny, petulant child who wants to go to the beach. NOW! LOL!

One of my goals, personally, was to use my reusable grocery bags more often than not. And I did it. I probably saved 100s of bags. And it had a trickle-down effect. The kids and Bruce all used the bags too, or they just didn't take one. I feel pretty good about that. And we'll continue that into the new year.

Because of the cash-only thing, I stopped buying certain things at the grocery store. Food prices are going up, but my budget is not. And gluten-free products/cooking can be expensive. So, over the course of the year, I stopped looking at things like soda, crackers, and granola bars as a "need," and saw them as more of a "want." I've done more baking, more couponing, and more sale-shopping/stocking-up, in order to keep the family fed with healthy food. Soda is a treat and we're all healthier for it.

Over Lent, I gave up ALL junk food and ALL computer games. Now, I do eat junk and I do play games, but neither holds quite the appeal they did in the past. Another score for me! :-)

While I always feel like I've got a loooong way to go, even my perfectionistic-self has to admit that the house is more organized and running more smoothly than it was a year ago. We've all gotten better about not keeping things we don't need. And I know I've gotten better about not buying something just because it's on sale, it's cool-looking but I have no idea what I'll do with it, or I think I "need" it. I've gotten better at seeing something and realizing that I've got something at home that will work just as well. I've got more work to do, but I'm beginning to accept that it's always going to be a work in progress and that's okay.

I've been more spontaneous this year, which for this "planner" personality, is a BIG deal. I'd like to continue that trend into the new year too.

So, what about you? If you're like me, you focus on what you need to fix, looking at how far you have to go, without seeing just how far you've come. So, how far have you come?