Another anniversary

We passed another milestone this weekend.

Shannon's been diabetic for a year, since March 21, 2009.

It seems a little weird to think about it as we're still adjusting in many ways. Recently, we've had to adjust her insulin to carb ratio for various meals because her sugar was spiking at specific times during the day. But now, with the weather improving, she's become more active, and we had a devil of a time getting her blood sugar high enough last night so that she could go to bed! (It has to be above 100 before bed because blood sugar naturally drops during the night and diabetics don't have the 'reserve' sugar in the liver for the body to cover that drop).

Every now and then, it hits me once again that this craziness is my life....usually when I'm sweeping up used test strips or grousing at the kids for leaving their used needles around (while they each deny responsibility....some things never change!). It seems so surreal!

Other times, I'm amazed at just how much knowledge I've accumulated over the last year, particularly about gluten! Did you know, for instance, that most orange soda is made with malt and is therefore NOT gluten-free? Yeah, me neither, at least not a year ago! Meals out are a challenge, so we don't go out very often, which really isn't a bad thing. Mexican is usually okay, as long as she avoids flour tortillas. Asian is out because the most popular brand of soy sauce for restaurants is fermented with wheat (Kikkoman. LaChoy is safe). There are a couple of noodle restaurants that have gluten-free options (Old Spaghetti Factory and Noodles & Company). Who'da thunk that it would be the pasta joints that would be so accomodating?! I can't remember the last time I bought a can of condensed soup....they're ALL made with wheat starch or barley or something. That's been a big challenge for my cooking since many of my "old standbys" start with cream soup as the base. I've found decent substitutes for most of the casseroles, though.

I checked out more gluten-free cookbooks from the library and I've put a hold on a couple of others, trying to find more recipes to draw from for baked goods. Today I'm going to make a batch of GF chocolate chip cookies, and I need to make a loaf of GF bread for lunches too. I haven't decided if I'm going to try a new recipe or go with the standby. Maybe I'll try the new one and if Shannon doesn't like it, I can make her regular loaf this evening?

It's been a challenge, and it's stretched me in ways I did not want to be stretched. As a mother, it breaks my heart to see my children suffer. I'd take it on myself, in a heartbeat, if I were given the choice. That's been an amazing lesson for me, and for the kids. I know they sometimes think Mom is an idiot, but they know deep down just how much I love them. This has brought us closer as a family, as we work together to manage the challenges that come up. I think, too, it's shown the children just how strong they can be. They're learning to make choices that will impact both their short-term and long-term health, and I hope that those lessons will carry over to other areas of their lives. They're learning to deal with some pretty heavy emotions. They're learning that they are not alone, as our family, friends, and neighbors encourage and support them.

These are all great lessons, but I can't help but wish they were learning them another way.

I need a little push to start journaling or blogging again, and I think there are things I need to discover about myself, but I’m not entirely sure what they are. So, I’m shamelessly stealing from a “guided journal” I bought. Well, I guess, since I bought it, it’s not stealing is it? Though I am inviting you, my 3 dear readers, to steal it and blog or journal yourself, so…..

Anyway, the book is called "The Woman’s Book of Confidence," by Sue Patton Thoele. From the inside front cover “Let us not wait until tomorrow—or eternity—to accept who we are. Let’s do it right now.”

And that’s the journey I’m on. I’m not the person I thought I would be when I imagined my life (who is?), and really, when I take off the “Mom” and “Wife” hats, I’m not entirely sure what’s left. There’s some good stuff there, for sure, and I want to delve deeper into that. As my kids get older and don’t need me for every little thing; as they enter school and are gone for hours at a time, I find myself with that time on my hands, and I wander a bit aimlessly. Sure, there’s laundry to do (always and forever….seriously, I can’t ever die because the laundry will NEVER be done…..I digress), bathrooms to clean, floors to mop and vacuum, walls and windows to wash, and so forth, but I just have the feeling that there’s something more to my life; something more I’m meant to be doing. Or maybe I’m just bored out of my head with the minutiae that occupies my days. Either which way, there’s more for me out there and I want to find it!

Another quote from the inside front cover “Use these pages to record your inspirations, your motivations, your victories, even your failures. Learn to love the skip of your own step, to gain confidence in the words that only you can hear. Learn to be the best you can be, right now”

The first section or chapter is titled “Reclaiming Childhood Dreams.” The introduction says, in part, “Many of the hopes, desires, and dreams we had as children were indicators fo the special gifts we brought into this life. If we have lost track of our dreams, we can reconnect with them now by encouraging ourselves to look back and explore them.”

Question 1: What make-believe did you revel in when you were little? Where did you go in your fantasy world?

It’s been fun to ponder this question. I remember pretending to be a princess, but not very often. The most vibrant and active make-believe took place in The Old West, probably inspired by watching “Little House on the Prairie” all the time. I loved that show (still do, much to my husband’s amusement). My sister and I would pretend we were settlers on the plains, harvesting grasses and the like, fashioning tools from sticks and vases or dishes from mud. We were attacked by fierce mountain lions, battled raging wildfires, and battening down the hatches in the face of tornadoes. Or, we’d hang out on my double bed, pretending it was a covered wagon headed west. Sometimes the bed became a ship, used to escape mean and nasty step-parents under cover of darkness.

What stands out to me in these memories is the sense of independence, and, too, the sense of being alone in the world with no one to protect us. Of course, we were pretending to BE adults, so maybe that’s where that comes from. Or maybe that’s what I perceived adulthood to be about, independent and alone? Hmmm…..must ponder that one some more. I often felt a sense of accomplishment, going about my “chores” in that little house out west. It felt good to be taking care of my imaginary kids (sometimes played by neighbor children). I remember thinking that the pioneer life was so. Much. WORK! LOL! And I suppose it was.

Rest In Peace, sweet Ginger

I had to make the decision today to put Alana's guinea pig to sleep. The vet said she was critical and gave her less than a 50/50 chance. She said that these 'prey' animals tend to just roll over and give up when they get sick and really, that's what Ginger was doing.

Shannon's devastated. I hated having to be the one to make the choice, but when I asked the vet what she would do, she said she'd put her down. It just all came on so suddenly. Sunday she was fine, held and loved by the girls. Yesterday afternoon, she was lethargic and today she was almost non-responsive, not eating, not drinking, the works.

Thing is, she was a YOUNG pig, less than a year old and it seems like such a shame. I had pigs as a kid that lived for years and years, no health problems, nothing. The vet says they're just not as hardy as they used to be; too much inbreeding.

Shannon's home sick today, so she's sipping cocoa and crying. Alana will find out when she gets home from school. Don't know if I should clean up the cage and everything and put it all away or if it would be good for Alana to help me with that.

*sigh* Adulthood really sucks sometimes!

And all of this happens just as I'm vowing to stop whining and complaining on my blog! Really, I stood there the vet's office, trying to decide what to do, knowing in my heart that the treatment plan she was proposing would not work and we were going to lose her no matter what, but not quite wanting to admit it. I thought I was prepared to lose her, but when the time came to decide, that was really, really hard. I found myself wondering why *I* was in charge of this. Well, because I'm the mom, that's why. But, wait, when did I become the responsible grown-up? Is there a way to undo that? Because, at times like this, I really really really want someone else to be in charge.

Shannon is pretty upset, and that, in turn, upsets me. Ginger was a sweet animal. Inquisitive and fun to have. She loved brocolli, even though it really wasn't good for her, so we limited what she'd eat. She was okay on carrots, but spinach and parsley were favorites too.

Alana's not home from school yet, but I think she'll handle this better than her sister. I told her this morning that Ginger wasn't looking good and I was worried that she wouldn't make it. Alana told me if Ginger died, we'd get another guinea pig.

We'll have a piggy funeral this evening, though I'm not sure where we'll put her to avoid sprinkler lines. I'll get one of those stepping stone kits for the girls to make too.

I don't know how to guide them through their grief. I want to make it go away. More accurately, I want it to be gone so I don't have to watch them hurt. But I don't want to rush them or discount their feelings of loss and sadness either. I've read several online articles on the subject, but I still feel woefully inadequate.

*sigh*

WARNING: Whining Ahead

I hate this time of year. Really.

I'm tired. The weather's crappy, or teasing us with *almost* nice weather and then going back to crappy.

Did I mention I'm tired? As in, could sleep for several days, tired.

Blah.

Tomorrow's payday. Yippee! Money comes in.....and money goes out. But, hey, at least it all balances. Job is secure, payroll is made, utilities are paid, mortgage, food, and even clothes for the kids who won't stop growing! Yes, I am grateful, even when there doesn't seem to be any money left, that there was enough to begin with.

So, because tomorrow is payday, it is also grocery shopping day. I have a love/hate relationship with this. I LOVE finding deals on food. Things like the "manager's specials" in the meat department where things have been marked down because they're nearing their 'use by' date. I buy and I freeze and we eat. I love combining a coupon with a clearance deal and getting things for next to nothing....

I found, in the clearance section, the Laughing Cow cheese wedges for $1.50. And, I had coupons for $1.00 off two, so they were $1.00 each. And they didn't expire until December 2010. No idea why they were in that bin, but there they were. I bought 4 because I really really really like that cheese. It's the only exception to my no "pasteurized processed cheese food" rule. LOL!

Now, inside these little treasures, I found another treasure.....a coupon for $1.00 or $1.25 off the purchase of the little mini gouda cheeses. You know, the ones that come wrapped in wax? Yeah, those.

Guess what I found in the clearance bin the other day? Yep, mini gouda cheeses for $1.50 each. Go me! I got 4 of them for less than $3.00 and I still have a couple more coupons!

This excites me. Yes, yes, my life really is *this* boring.

Now back to my love/hate relationship with grocery lists. I plan meals two weeks at a time. Lately, I have zero imagination and even less motivation. I can't seem to figure out *anything* for us to eat. Tristan doesn't like red sauce, fish, or shellfish. His vegetable consumption is limited to canned green beans and raw carrots. He has, however, recently stopped disecting his food, parsing out just *exactly* what's in it like an archeological dig. Alana is at that "vegetarian" stage, so she's not eating much meat. And Shannon is on a gluten-free diet.

Many people subscribe to the "serve what I want and the kids have to suck it up" school of thought. I understand this, however, it just doesn't sit well with me. How would I like it if someone told ME that I must eat something I don't like?! So, I save the spaghetti, salmon, and shrimp for nights when he's not here, which is usually once a week or so.

Throw in the time constraints of busy evenings, plus the fact that 5:00 pm is probably the point at which my energy is at it's lowest. I don't WANT to peel potatoes or make rice or brown this or cook that, thankyouverymuch!

Bruce gets home from work at 6:00 at the earliest. Often I don't start dinner until then, which means we're eating at 7:00, and the kids don't get to bed on time as a result. I've *got* to do something about that, getting dinner on the table earlier, but per the last paragraph, 5:00 means ZERO motivation for me. Really, I want to take a nap!

I'll figure it out, I suppose....and the coupons are calling my name.

It's Ash Wednesday today. The beginning of Lent, the 40 days (not counting Sundays) before Easter. It's a time for Christians to reflect and prepare for the biggest event of the Christian calendar, Easter. The 40 days is quite Biblical, though there are disageements amongst Biblical scholars as to the absolute truth of the number. Seems, in Biblical times, 40 was a sort of slang for a really long time, like we say "a bazillion," and may or may not have meant exactly *40.* The Jews wandered in the wilderness for 40 years after escaping slavery in Egypt. Jesus went out into the wilderness for 40 days after his baptism, before starting his ministry.

Traditionally Catholics gave up meat and other things during lent, to fast and prepare for the coming Easter events. Over time, that practice has waned, but I think it's an important spiritual discipline so it's one I participate in. This year, I'm giving up junk food, chocolate, soda, and added sugar (yes, I know that soda and chocolate are "junk food" but I'm expanding on my previous years of "just" giving up soda and chocolate...there's a theme here even if I'm the only one who can see it!).

I'm also giving up computer games. So I say goodbye to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, after acheiving a score over 400K last week. And I say goodbye to all the fun solitare games and puzzles and so forth on MindJolt through Facebook. Whatever will I do with myself now?

This season is also a time when I get bitten by Spring Fever, despite what the weather is like outside. And Protestants have been pushing the "take on something" rather than the "give up something," so with that in mind, I'm taking on writing and blogging and journaling. I'm saying goodbye to the time-sucking games on this machine and saying hello to yoga and walking and sewing (Easter dresses!) and scrapbooking. I'm turning toward the promised renewal of spring after this winter of rest and hidden growth, hoping that growth will manifest itself outwardly just like the new growth outside.

Tragic news today

A young man at Tristan's school killed himself over the weekend.

There's really no easy way to type that out. It seems so succinct, almost too succint, and yet, it's also precisely what happened, in black and white.

Nathan Flint was his name. He was a 9th grader. Tristan had Jazz band and symphonic band with him. I've seen him many times at concerts. I may have even had him in class a couple of weeks ago when I subbed at the school.

Tristan reacted with shock. I tried to tell him gently, but there really is no way to soften that news. He and his dad were on their way to Scouts, and Tristan did quite a bit of crying over it. He chatted with another adult at church, and by the time he got home, he was back to the macho-man "I'm fine, Mom." *big sigh*

You and I know, from our adult perspective, just how senseless this is. What a horrible waste of a wonderful life. He was a talented guitar player in Jazz band. Clearly, from the reactions I'm seeing in the neighborhood and school, he was cared for, but it would seem that he couldn't see that for his own pain.

My heart breaks today for this young life, taken far too soon, and for his grieving mother, who's now left alone.

I pray that Nathan has found the peace he sought, and that his mother will too.

Here's his obituary from the local paper. Tristan cut it out of my paper this morning before I even got up. I'll be buying another copy of the paper today.

I've lost my mind!

Completely and totally, I think.

We got a puppy.

She's a purebred chocolate lab named Max and she's about 10 weeks old. She's going to be trained to be a diabetic alert dog for the kids, alerting them (and us) when their sugar drops too low. She's been donated to us by her breeders, complete with AKC papers should we choose to register her. A friend is doing the majority of the obedience training, keeping her during the week and bringing her to us on the weekends. It's a tremendously generous gift, and that, coupled with Shannon's doe-eyes, overrode my objections to yet another animal in the house.

She really is cute, in a funny-looking, too-small-for-her-skin kinda way. But it's like having a baby in the house. She woke us up at 5:30 to go out, and then at 6:30 for good, and you know how much I just LOVE Saturday mornings (not!). I finally dozed off again and heard the carpet cleaner going! Right now, though, she's sleeping at my feet looking as innocent as can be.