Dreary and grey

It's a dreary, grey day here. It's been like this for most of the week. We've had snow and then brilliant sunlight that doesn't last, and more snow. It's been a good week for me to "hibernate." But I can't keep doing that forever.

I realized not long after Shannon's diagnosis that I was dealing with some depression. I wanted to deal with the difficult side of things, but I was afraid that I'd get stuck in the darkness. But, see, I already was stuck. I don't do the crawl-under-the-covers-and-don't-shower-for-days depression. I do the put-on-my-make-up-mask-and-pretend-everything's-okay-while-finding-inordinate-number-of-time-wasters-to-avoid-painful-reality depression. So, because I was vertical, getting up and dressed everyday, taking the kids to school, and so forth, I was thinking that I wasn't depressed. Wrong.

The laundry is piled up so high that it could trigger "the BIG one" if it falls over. It's all clean, but good luck finding a matching pair of socks. Dinners have been hit-and-miss. Mostly miss. Though I get things thawed out so Bruce has something to go on when he gets home. Can't remember the last time I vacuumed anything or cleaned a bathroom. I guess, considering all the emotional stuff, I'm doing pretty good--clean laundry, a dinner plan, dishes done. Maybe I really *shouldn't* be so hard on myself?

I get caught up in trying to stay balanced. How do I acknowledge and deal with the darkness without being sucked into it? How do I hurt and see blessings at the same time? How do I manage any of this, much less ALL of it?

A dear friend gave me a massage on Thursday. She's a truly gifted person, able to read a body and know what's up, very intuitive. She knew I needed to cry, and I swear, she found the "cry" button almost immediately. She gave me a safe outlet to release some of that while helping my body physically release too. What we talked about and what I thought about brought me some interesting conclusions.

I'm a road map and reservation kinda girl. I don't just go on a trip without knowing exactly where we're headed, how long we'll be there, and which hotel or RV park we'll be staying in. I do that in other areas of my life, but this new adventure doesn't have a map, and I'm having a hard time with that.

How can I be strong enough for this?
How will I manage the kids' diabetes and Shannon's gluten-free life? Especially since I can't even manage laundry right now!
Where will I find the tools I need?
How will I regain my balance?
How will I find the time and energy for the things that bring me joy?

The future is a big murky cloud, much like the one currently obscuring the view of my mountains.

Wait a second....

The future's *always* been a big murky cloud. I just had a comfortable delusion that I had some control over it. I don't now, and I never did. Yes, it's more complicated now, but who's to say there wouldn't have been other complications? Maybe that's part of what I'm struggling with.....are there still more complications coming at me?

So, I laid on that massage table and blubbered. Really, it wasn't pretty. But that's okay. Life isn't always pretty, and I'm glad for that. As I thought about these questions and doubts, I began to sense reassurance. I was telling myself to breathe in confidence and trust and breathe out doubt and fear. And guess what? I began to feel more confident and trusting; less doubtful and fearful.

I don't know how, but I know I WILL figure this out. I don't know HOW or WHEN, but I know that the tools and resources, not to mention courage and strength will be there when I need it. I know, too, that this darker time won't last forever. It's a season and, in the face of everything, it's normal. I won't slip too far down that road. I won't let myself (been there, done that, NEVER AGAIN), but more importantly, the love I have for my children and husband won't allow me to go there. They need me. They need me to be strong and able and loving and present. Sure, I can be weak and angry and out of it for a short time, but there's a fundamental maternal pull that won't let all of that interfere in their lives for too long.

And, there are lots and lots of people out there who won't let me slip quietly into the darkness either. My dearest friends, both near and far, know that depression is sometimes an issue for me. They worry and they call and they pester and they pray. They're not going to let me go. They listen and love and pop up in chat windows to ask if I ate breakfast today, and no, the milk in my coffee doesn't count!

I think, too, that I've matured (I certainly hope so). I've gained a bit of self-awareness and insight and wisdom. That devastating depression in my 17 yo suicidal self was so incredibly devastating precisely because it was new and so very very dark. I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't know that there was a way through it; there was light and life on the other side. I didn't know that I could survive and come out of it a better person. All I saw then was darkness going on forever. Now I know all those things.....yes, this is a dark, sad place. But it won't last forever. There is light and love out there and it's closer than I realize. I can trust in that wisdom. Again, I don't know the 'how' of it all; I don't know the lessons and strength I'll gain, but I do know, without a doubt that it will come.

Shannon's home from the hospital

Well, we're home now and she's going back to school tomorrow. We met with the school nurse and her teacher and have a tentative plan for testing, snacking, and giving herself shots. Since it's not all "official," I have to take the insulin in to her at lunch time. Once the doctor signs the forms, she can keep it with her.

Her teacher is AWESOME and so is pretty much everyone at her school. Word travelled pretty fast today, which happens in a school that's as close-knit as ours is. She's only got school through Thursday this week and then we're off all of next week. For now, I'll go in at lunch and provide support for her. I'll be doing that as long as she needs me to.

In other news, it appears that she probably has Celiac disease as well. They routinely screen newly diagnosed diabetics for it and something else (I can't remember the other thing) because it often goes hand-in-hand with diabetes. She's got a pretty high number on whatever the blood test was, so I have to take her in to the Pediatric GI clinic where they'll run another test to confirm it. Then I get to begin the gluten-free adventure.

We'll be getting Alana screened as well, as soon as we can. There is a blood test they can do that would indicate whether or not she's got a predisposition for diabetes so we'll know to watch her. Regardless, I'll keep an eye on her, but it would be good to know that she's probably NOT going to get diabetes.

I'm hanging in there and keeping myself VERY busy. I'm really afraid to let go because I'm not sure I'll be able to pull myself back together. I KNOW that I've only made it this far through prayer and the strength of my friends and family.

When it rains......

Shannon is 10 and in 5th grade, and, just 4 months after Tristan's diagnosis, she has also developed type 1 diabetes.

She was complaining last week of just not feeling very well. She came home from school early on Wednesday and didn't go on Thursday, but felt better so she went on Friday. Saturday afternoon, she volunteered to take a nap. As in "I think I'll go take a nap." She'd done this several times over the last few days, and I honestly chalked it up to one of the myriad of viruses that are floating around right now.

But, she was drinking an awful lot. And she was complaining that her legs hurt for no apparent reason. And, by the by, she'd lost 3 lbs over the week. So, on a whim, we tested her blood sugar. The meter simply read "HI," which means it's over 700 (normal is right around 100, but no higher than 180).

Uh, what?!

So we checked her for blood keytones and they were in the "have her evaluated" borderline range. We schlepped the other two over to the neighbor's and took Shannon to Primary Children's ER. They got to us pretty quickly and told us that there really was no other explanation for a sugar that high. They gave her some IV fluids, but the child WALKED up to her room. That seems so odd to me, that a child with an illness requiring an ER trip and hospitalization is walking to her room.

She wasn't nearly as sick as Tristan was because we caught it before it got too bad. She's in good spirits, eating and drinking and loving that she can order ANYTHING she wants off the menu. She's joking with us and with the nurses and watching movies in between her "classes," and loving that too.

So we're learning her ratios and dosages and all of that. And she's learning how to test her sugar and give herself insulin injections. So far, she hasn't pricked her finger or done the actual shot, but she's done everything else. They won't let her leave the hospital until she's doing this herself, or at least has done it once or twice. She really, really, REALLY wants to come home tomorrow, so I think she'll get it.

In the meantime, Bruce was supposed to fly out on a business trip today. Clearly he's not going, and his coworkers have been AMAZING about it. Someone else is leaving early tomorrow morning, with less than 24 hours notice. Another coworker, whom I've never met, brought Shannon an adorable floppy sheep dog stuffed animal (his name is now "Rover").

I don't really know what else to say. There is a genetic component to all of this, leaving a person with a predisposition for this because it's an autoimmune disorder. The cells in her pancreas that make insulin are dying and will eventually all die off. In general, the chances of a person developing Type 1 Diabetes if a sibling has it are 10%, so her chances of not having it were 90%. Only now, it's 100%. Statistics don't mean much, do they?

Another update

State Farm just called (my insurance company). They're offering us a VERY nice settlement, and it includes the taxes and licensing we just barely paid on it! I need to go get the title, check the van out one more time for personal property and then sign it over to the insurance. So far, they've determined that Vehicle #3 is 100% at fault for the rear damage to the van. The front stuff is still pending.

But, all in all, great news! Now to find something new to drive!

Crash Update

Well, I've now heard from my insurance company and the company of the man who hit me.

My insurance company is handling the immediate repairs and such, moved the van from the tow lot to the body shop, etc. It's easier, I guess, and faster to get it started this way and then have the two insurance companies work out who owes whom.

I have a rental car, but the policy on my van didn't include this coverage. I'm not sure when we dropped it, but we did. So we may be out the cost of the rental car, *if* there are issues with how much each party is at fault.

Bruce seems to be thoroughly convinced we're going to get scr*wed. I'm thoroughly convinced we're going to get a fair and accurate settlement. So, naturally he's driving me BONKERS! Good thing he's swamped at work and essentially must let me handle it or I'd have to strangle him.

My insurance said that much of this hinges on what the lead car says....if they felt only one impact, then it's very clear that I was pushed into him. If they felt two separate impacts, then I hit them first and then was hit. Of course, I did NOT hit them (much to my relief) until I was hit from behind. This is further complicated by the fact that the driver that hit me is from Oregon and his insurance company has been unable to reach him, probably because he's here on vacation or something.

My mother is a bit, um, condescending about how I don't have the phone numbers for the other drivers. The police officer handed me a lovely print out with lots of info on it, and I assumed it included necessary contact information. All of our street addresses were left off, and there were no phone numbers. When mom realized that I didn't have the numbers, she got rather snotty about it. I do have the phone number of the police officer.....wonder if he has more info?

In the meantime, my knee is turning pretty colors and it's sore, but not horribly bad. Saturday night was the worst, so I'm sure it's healing nicely.

The gentleman who sold us the Pilot called to talk about a couple of things we added to it, including a trailer brake. Well, the trailer stuff the dealership ASSURED us included the brake did not, in fact, include the brake (a trailer brake sends a signal to the trailer whenever the truck's brakes are applied so that the trailer's brakes are also applied....it's easier to have the rear vehicle slowing you down, rather than having the truck doing all the slowing....hope that makes sense). So, the dealership is paying for a trailer place to install the brake they promised us. Now he knows about our accident so he's looking for a used van for us. I need to be able to haul kids and soccer balls and things. We won't know anything about the van, totalling it, settlement or any of that until the end of the week at the earliest.

But, everyone's been exceedingly kind and considerate and I'm, so far, very impressed with our insurance.

Continued prayers for a speedy and fair resolution would be appreciated.

PS....Mom goes home tomorrow, about a day past driving me completely, utterly, bat-poo CRAZY!!!!!

Crunch!

So a week ago we bought a new Honda Pilot. The car it replaced had just come from the repair shop with an estimate for more than 3X its value, so we decided it was time to buy something else. The Honda is fabulous! It seats 8, airbags all around, heated leather seats, towing capacity that's high enough to easily tow our camping trailer, etc.....just a great new vehicle for us.

The only down side is that I was still stuck driving the van because I put lots of miles on a vehicle with all my running around, even with it consolidated.

Yesterday, I had a small CM booth at a teacher's conference at a school about 20 miles away. I had the van because it's just a bit longer and holds my display stuff better.

On my way home, traffic's moving great.....then it wasn't. We all slam on the brakes, and I missed the truck in front of me by a couple of feet. The truck behind me, however, couldn't stop in time....I was sandwiched between the two.

My van is now two feet shorter and leaking various and sundry fluids all over the tow company's lot

Thankfully, everyone was fine. There was a baby in the truck in front of me who got a good once-over by the paramedics and I'm sporting a beautiful bruise where my knee hit the dashboard/steering column. The driver of the truck who hit me freely admitted fault and everyone was really nice, under the circumstances. It could've been SO much worse.

I had one bag that had been in the very back of the van (seats were all folded down to accomodate my display stuff) that landed in the passenger seat. And I couldn't figure out where all the black plastic bits came from.....

Um, that would be the remains of my rear windshield.

And there's a lovely imprint of GMC in the rear of my van. The impacts pretty much crunched the front and rear, but the passenger compartment was completely intact.

So, we'll be contributing to the economy yet again once the insurance sorts it all out. A neighbor has offered to take my kids to school in the morning and it's not my week for carpool. I should have a rental car by tomorrow afternoon.

Really, it's just stuff. Plastic and metal.

Hassle? Yes, but honestly, I'm so very grateful.

It's Friday the 13th, alright!

Delta called with a recorded message this morning. They've changed both of my flights for my trip for my sister's graduation. I'm now leaving here at 8:20 pm on that Tuesday, arriving at 9:00. The return flight, however, is a problem......They have me leaving at 6:15 am. Do you know what time I have to be at the airport for that flight?! Before the butt-crack of dawn....And, I checked for other flights....it's the ONLY one from there to here on that day. *groan*

And then, while listening to this and swearing, a call from the school beeped through. It was Miss Pace.

Alana threw up.

In the classroom

After I sent her to school complaining that she just didn't feel like going, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, I'm the new Mom of the year.

*sigh*