Bubbling emotions

I've been listening to my new MP3 player today as I puttered around the house, tidying up the ever-present crap my kids (and, in all honesty, myself) leave around waiting for the cleaning fairy to take care of. A couple of songs in and I found myself in tears....

The song was "The Warrior is a Child" by Twila Paris. The lyrics that really got me were practically the first ones out of her mouth:

"Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child"

People are sometimes surprised at how strong I am. They tell me that I'm a strong mom for taking care of Tristan and his hearing issues and his diabetes. I really don't understand that. I don't FEEL strong. I feel scared, and weak, and sometimes absolutely broken-hearted for my baby. I would do ANYTHING if I could take his burdens as my own. I would gladly, without a second thought, take on his diabetes, and I would do it with joy for him. It's just WRONG for him to suffer with this. WRONG. I'm his mother. *I'm* supposed to take these things on so that he doesn't have to. I'm supposed to protect him.

But I can't protect him from this. I can't take it away. I can't kiss it and make it better. All I can do is take his hand, hold him close and let him know that I would if I could. He was rather astounded by that, honestly.

People tell me I'm strong. I know that. I discovered an inner core of strength years ago, one that I treasure, but it's something I want to put on a shelf. I want to leave it there, knowing it's there if I need it, but hoping that I'll never need it. I don't WANT to be strong, damn it! I want to curl into a ball and cry until I have no more tears to shed.

But my babies need me. They need me to hold it together. I simply don't have the luxury of a nervous breakdown. So, I guess, that makes me strong? But, really, I don't get it. I'm a MOTHER. This is what mother's DO. We do what we need to so that our children are cared for and loved and all of that.

And, yet, deep inside that armor, this mommy is a child.