Heavy heart

There are almost no words.

Our minister is dying.

And our church is in desperate need of leadership and consistency and all the things that a strong minister can bring us.

And we're grieving, and struggling, and uncertain, and sniping at each other and...

and....there's so much more. Youth Leader is about to push me right over the edge, and the Conference (the governing body of each geographic area of the United Methodist church) has thoroughly let us down, mostly by sticking their heads in the sand and playing pretend with a lot of other people.

and.....

The one bright-ish light is that a former minister, who is now retired, is coming back for a 3-month stay. I don't know if he can/will stay on until a new minister is appointed, which is usually done in June.....generally, if a minister is available now, there's a reason.

*sigh*

And she's dying....so very gracefully.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...into the future

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and melancholy today, plus a whole bunch of other stuff because I'm a girl and I've usually got about a dozen emotions going on.

School started yesterday. My kids are in 4th, 8th, and 10th grades. I have an official High Schooler who proudly possesses a Learner's Permit, in spite of the fact that he can't get his license for nearly a year. Funny the juxtaposition as he races towards growing up and I keep trying to hold back the sands of time and savor, just for a moment, this precise instant.

I suppose there's nothing like a child to remind you just how quickly time passes. People used to say that to me all the time and I thought they were full of crap, but it's true. I can't hardly believe how amazing they are and how grown up they are. There are days when that overwhelms me and I have to take a moment and remember to breathe.

Those moments are usually shattered by shouts of "Mo-om!" Which is then followed by more hollering about who did what to whom and how it's not fair!

I find myself sitting here, basically wasting time on various games, advice columns, and blogs, and wondering just what kind of life I want for myself. All of a sudden, I have uncounted hours stretching before me, just waiting for me to fill them. I realize that it's only the second day of school, and I'm trying hard not to listen to that voice inside my head telling me that I *should* be organized and my house *should* be spotless. Really? Says who?! LOL!

The time will come, and come soon. I don't do idleness very well. Not to mention that my back won't stand for too much lolly-gagging in this chair. And, of course, activities are starting again, with a vengance, so I'm already juggling a few things--music lessons, work, meetings, back to school night, and more. It'll all come together, or it won't. And either way, I'm going to enjoy it. In a few years, one of my chicks will have flown the nest and I want to savor this time.

Deep Thoughts

So, I've been spinning some stuff around in my head and I need to get it out or I'll explode. However, I'm not sure how public I want it to be, truly, because there's a lot of "dirty laundry" and sensitive stuff in it.....I don't really even know why I'm so sensitive about it, but I am.

I turn 40 in December. Trish turns 40 in March of next year. We've been planning/discussing a trip to somewhere to celebrate this monumental event. The last time we did this, however, Bruce was a total pain in the butt about it, right up until I got on the stupid plane. I still don't know what his problem was about it, but he had issues over the whole thing.

Some of his issues seemed to be that he didn't want me to go somewhere he hadn't been or that we hadn't been together, and since we had never been to Mexico or on a beach vacation, he got all upset. I really think now that that was a red herring and there's more going on, but that's what he *said* about it.

So, Trish and I decided to go to DC next summer (yes, I know DC in the summer time is hot, humid mess, but she's a school teacher so that's when we can go, so we'll make the best of it). Bruce and I have been there twice with the kids, and Bruce has been there several times on business, so it seemed a bit safer than some exotic destination.

And yet, when I proposed this to Bruce, he immediately decided that we'd all go as a family instead. Um, wha....? Even Shannon saw that as an idiotic idea.

And Bruce is still not on board with this. First, there's the money issue. But again, I think that's a red herring. We can afford for me to go, especially if I have a year to save up for it. Our budget is based almost solely on Bruce's income, so my substitute teaching income can (and will) be set aside for this trip. Not to mention, if we can't afford for me to go alone, how in the world can we afford for the whole family to go?!

Bruce has 3 sisters who live in the DC area. We visited them in 2001 and 2003 for family events. Two of the 3 have not been out this way since our wedding…..17 years ago. The other sister came out sometime between our two trips, but I can’t remember. She was here for Christmas, but it was before Alana was born, and I wasn’t pregnant with Alana either. So I guess it had to be 2000. (See how my fuddled brain works out these things?! LOL!). The DC sisters have not seen their parents since 2003, I don’t think. I could be wrong about that, but it’s been awhile. Several grandchildren have been out to visit, but they wouldn’t recognize the changes in MIL because they probably don’t remember much about her from other trips.

More background: MIL’s health is declining. She’s having short-term memory problems. She’s very overweight (she weighs at least 350 lbs), has high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, and type 2 diabetes, plus macular degeneration. She’s 84, and some of this is to be expected, I suppose, but she hasn’t taken very good care of herself, either.

And a final note….Bruce’s niece is getting married in DC this weekend. We’d previously decided that none of us were going. Bruce had wanted just the two of us to go because the hotel and rental car are the same whether there’s one or two people in it. However, there’s the added cost of a plane ticket, plus a babysitter here, and all the fallderall that entails. It might be nice, but I just don’t want to go. August 6th just happens to be our anniversary, and spending it with the Outlaws doesn’t excite me in the slightest.

The Outlaws are planning to attend the wedding, though now MIL is moaning about how she’s not sure she’ll make it, etc. I hope, for the sisters’ sake, she does go. They really have no idea how her health has changed in the last few years. Bruce thinks she’s not going to live much longer and I know the sisters will feel terrible if they don’t see her again. I don’t think there’s any malice or anything in their not visiting…..they all have busy lives and I’m sure they’ve just mentally put their parents in that place where they’ll always be there.

So Bruce hemmed and hawed around about whether or not to go to the wedding, and finally decided, about 10 days ago, that he did, indeed, want to go if I could find him a decently-priced plane ticket. However, by the time he made that decision, it was less than 2 weeks to his trip, and the price of that ticket jumped $200 overnight. I'd predicted this. He does this often, debating and fussing and not making a decision until it's too late and it's out of his hands. It's a very passive way of living and it drives me CRAZY!

Now, since I'm being honest, he doesn't seem to have a problem with living his life this way. And, in generally, his laid-back non-planning tends to balance out my over-planning, and it's all good. In cases like this, where some planning is required, and my hands are tied, well, notsomuch.

So, here we are a couple of days before the wedding. He returned from the mission trip (10 days in CA with the youth group) on Monday morning, at the un-godly hour of 3 am. And, had he gone to the wedding, he'd be leaving today, just 3 days later. He is exhausted and buried at work, and really rather glad he's not getting on a plane today or tomorrow. Oh, and he's got another business trip next week.

My concern is that, when the time comes for us to once again discuss my DC trip, he'll rewrite his reasons and make it somehow my fault and/or responsibility that he didn't go. Never mind that I spent hours researching flights into 3 different airports, searching different days and websites trying to find something to make this work. Nope. Somehow it'll all be about how he made some sort of sacrifice for me or something. This is part of why I want to get this written down now, so I can show him date stamped proof that I predicted this would happen. Maybe I should print this out and mail it to myself so I'll have the post mark? But really, if I have to go to those lengths, what the heck?! I have to be *right*? We all know I am, and doing that won't serve any purpose.....or maybe it could. I'll have to think on that one a bit more.

I also often get the "you just hate my family" and "you don't know how to forgive" nonsense out of him in our "discussions" about these topics.

But here's the deep thought I had today (actually there are several....bear with me).

As I thought about those statements, which I've heard a million times, I realized that Bruce probably doesn't actually believe them. He just wants me to do what he wants me to do. By choosing NOT to visit his parents or choosing NOT to attend the wedding (for reasons that have *nothing* to do with his family), his life got complicated and a little painful. So, if he can throw hurtful things at me, which gets me to argue back and/or attempt to prove him wrong, he gets his easy life back. I don't think he's thought this all out. It's not a conscious thing. It's a serious knee-jerk reaction, and when I'm calm, I can practically see the knee go "pop."

But it's hurtful, nonetheless.

Okay. But it's still not true. And I'm learning more and more to listen to Truth and only truth. I could drag out all kinds of examples of how I don't hate his family, and how I do know how to forgive, but then we're not really talking about Truth anymore. And we never were.

The same goes for his "forgiveness" tirade. The last time he threw that one at me, I asked him to clarify what he meant by "forgive" and what that would look like in practice. He couldn't do it. Probably because what he meant wasn't so much about forgiveness, but more about doing what made HIS life easy by visiting his parents with him (this was all sparked when he said "We should visit" and I said "Have fun!").

His working definition of forgiveness, at least when I'm the one doing it, seems to be that I'm supposed to get amnesia and forget that his mother was ever nasty to me and walk back into that lion's den to be treated crappy all over again. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I'm no longer angry and bitter, though I do still get a bit melancholy over what could've been. I've let it go, but I'm also not an idiot and I'm not going back.

I see no point in my visiting. None. Not even "for him." That ship sailed a long time ago when he failed to believe me, when he failed to call his mother out on her nastiness, when he failed to protect me. He could've made this a better situation, but he chose to bury his head in the sand, tell me to deal with it because his mother's "never going to change" and now we're here. And each time we have this fight, it erodes my trust in him even further. That's what makes me sad and angry. It's not about his mother, and really, it never was.

I still don't know what's up with Bruce not wanting me to go on my DC trip. I don't think he really knows, but the thing is, it's not up to me to solve that piece of it. It's up to him to deal with. The same is true for the whole "you hate my family thing." That's not truth; and it's not my problem to solve.

I've been solving his emotional problems for so long that it's just a habit. It started mostly because I'm good at it, and it's easier for me to take it over and do it. Just like we've divided certain household tasks.....in general, we play to our strengths and help each other in weak areas. I don't mow lawns. He rarely does laundry and I can't remember the last time he had to wield a toilet brush. He does all kinds of fun things with the kids, but I do the emotional stuff.

In this case, however, in the long run, I'm not doing any of us any favors. And it's exhausting. Truly. And I get frustrated and resentful because I'm doing all the work while he never has to grow up emotionally...not fully anyway.

So those revelations hit me in the last couple of weeks.

Here's what's new.....(drumroll please)

I don't have to make him understand.

In doing that, in trying to get him to see my side and agree with me, I'm still doing things he should be doing himself.

I don't have to "prove" my Truth to him.

He doesn't have to understand my Truth. I need him to respect it and accept it, and that may take a lot more work, but it's MY Truth. Not his.

I don't have to show him his own Truth either.

That's me still trying to be in control. And I'm not. I never was and I don't want to be. (Well, okay, maybe a little.....)

Hello. My name is Erica and I'm addicted to Zuma!

So, once again, I’m giving up Zuma Blitz on Facebook. It brings out the worst in me. I enjoy the game, but it’s set up so that you’re competing against your “friends.” I get SO competitive and I was trying to win until 1:00 in the morning. I racked up one million “mojo,” which can be used to buy “powers,” like an early multiplier and the like, and then I went and spent them trying to win. The leader had almost 1.5 million points, which is a *really* high score. Other weeks, a score of 900K would blow everyone out of the water, but not this week, and I was determined to win. Alas, it seemed not to be. I was behind by about 70K points and, by the time I gave up that night, I was seeing things, shooting and completely missing, and my right hand seemed to be permanently shaped like a claw around my mouse. Not good. Not good at all. I had to ice my hand!

I did win the next morning by about 700 points. But now I'm done. It serves no purpose so I'll be moving on to other pursuits.

The Youth Trip for the Boys

The boys are now in California on the youth mission trip. I know I’ve mentioned my difficulties with the Youth Leader (YL) before….well, now Bruce is getting the full measure of her annoyingness. They took the train to Sacramento, which seemed like a good idea at the time, but very few of the group had any experience with trains. See, freight trains take precedence over passenger trains, so that’s one problem. Then, there was some flooding in the Midwest, destroying Amtrak’s tracks, so they’re “borrowing” tracks from Union Pacific, and they’re at the mercy of UP. So, the train was supposed to leave here at 11:30 pm. It didn’t. It was late….very late. We called at 10 and they told us that it would be leaving at 3:30 or so. We went to bed, but I didn’t really sleep. We got up around 1:30 or so and called again. Train not leaving until 4:30. At this point, I told Bruce that I wouldn’t get any sleep, taking “naps” in the middle of the night. So we went to the station at 2:00 so that I could get some sleep. The train finally left near 5:00 am.

In the meantime, the YL was trying to hand off the blame for this to Amtrak, wanting us to “inundate” them with phone calls. Like bugging some poor call center in Wherever, USA would make the train get there sooner? She also told us that we, the parents, chose this. Yes, yes we did. However, our choices were to have parent chaperones drive rental vans straight through the night or take the train. The train seemed like the safer option. Bruce did say that the train ride itself was a pleasant experience, with more space in their “coach” seats than you get in business or first class on an airplane, and the dining car was really nice with affordable options for breakfast.

They arrived in Sacramento around 5:00 pm, in the middle of rush hour, which is more like the rush hour you see on TV with traffic not moving, etc. The YL didn’t want to try to go get the rental vehicles in that, so she decided that they’d go to dinner. According to her, the *only* option, in downtown Sacramento, was Denny’s. Bruce had a GPS (we replaced the one that was stolen), and his brother lives in the area, so he’s somewhat familiar with it. They were 2 blocks from Old Town Sacramento in one direction, and one block from a major shopping center, but the only choice is Denny’s.

The next morning, they were going to make sandwiches and hand them out to the homeless. Each “family group” was supposed to make 25 sandwiches to hand out. They’re staying in the dorms, so they’ve got a full kitchen to work with, and the family groups consist of 4-5 kids plus an adult. Bruce’s kids are all Boy Scouts, so they’ve done this before with the Salvation Army. And, really? It’s 25 sandwiches. The YL was freaking out about how many sandwiches and if they’d be done in time, etc. Of course, everyone managed to accomplish this project, so off they went to hand them out.

Only the YL didn’t really have a plan. Bruce thought she’d set something up with a local organization. Nope. They were just supposed to go to a park and hand them out. And there weren’t very many homeless people in the park. And, on the way to the park, they said they’d follow Bruce. Well, the park was on the same street they were already on, so he just drove down the road rather than getting on the freeway YL got mad cuz Bruce “just took off” and they got on the freeway……Bruce beat them by 10 minutes.

So, three parks later, they still haven’t found any homeless people. Can you imagine? A group of 30 youth and 6 adults wandering through the parks, asking people if they need a sandwich! It’s funny from here, but Bruce was really annoyed. Bruce finally found the Salvation Army and gave them the sandwiches. The Salvation Army was thrilled to have them and wanted to know if they could work with them some more over the weekend. Too bad YL hadn’t bothered to set this up from the outset!

On Monday and Tuesday, they went to a HUGE food bank warehouse yesterday to help sort donations. It’s essentially the distribution point for most of the metropolitan area, with things going from their warehouses to other food banks throughout the city. They get USDA donations, corporate donations, plus private donations from food drives and such. The USDA stuff has specific guidelines as to where, when and how it’s given out. The kids spent about 6 hours sorting things into piles, bins and boxes for canned goods, dry goods, glass jars (around here, we’re discouraged from giving things that come in glass), and even pet food!

Tuesday, the kids were all standing around a box snickering. Bruce has been around long enough to know that that's never a good thing and sure enough, it was a box of condoms and personal lubricant. Thankfully, and this is probably why he's so good at this stuff, Bruce is very matter-of-fact. He told the kids "Just put it in the 'Personal Hygiene' box and move on!" LOL!

The youth conference started last night, so they had to check out of the dorms and into their hotel yesterday. Once again, YL's craziness reared it's head. She's OCD and yet very disorganized, so she stresses about everything because it just has to be perfect, and it's driving Bruce completely bonkers! LOL

So much to say....

and so little words to say it. That's not quite right, but it's close. I keep thinking "Oh...I should blog about that..." and never doing it. Now that I'm sitting down to do some writing, it all seems so, well, boring really.

Shannon spent the last week at Diabetes camp. This is her third year going and she loves it. She came home exhausted, a bit sunburned, and sporting "tattoos" drawn on her legs by her cabin-mates, plus sparkly toes and crackle-finish fingernails.

Because the boys left during the week (more on that in a minute), it was just Alana and I on Thursday and this morning. I slept in Thursday morning, but then Alana and I went out to lunch. She loves the Chinese buffet and we don't go when Shannon's home because there's gluten everywhere (the soy sauce is probably not gluten-free, plus the breading, sauces, won tons, noodles.....), so that's where we went. It was such a pleasant lunch, talking together, answering her questions and just spending some really good one-on-one time with her.

As has become tradition, we drove into Eden for lunch at the Mad Moose cafe. They've got espresso, sandwiches, soup, salads, etc, and it's always great food with great service for a decent price. They don't bat an eye when making Shannon's sandwich with lettuce instead of bread and she loves it. I had some fancy, yummy, sweet iced coffee concoction, with a burger. I haven't had a burger in AGES, and this was a perfect treat for me. On the way home, we stopped at a couple of fruit stands to buy cherries and raspberries. We'll be making some freezer jam on Sunday.

The boys, as I mentioned, left on Thursday night. Or that was the plan. They were taking the train from here to Sacramento. But, see, trains are a bit, um, flexible and unpredictable. Freight trains take precedence over passenger trains, so Amtrak actually tells you that the train could arrive up to 8 hours late. Yes, really. The train to CA was supposed to leave at 11:30, so the boys were supposed to be there at 10. A little late, but not a huge problem, right?

Yeah. So, the train was late. And getting later. We went to bed, if you can call it that, at 10, after learning that the train would be leaving at 3:00 AM. Yes, the middle of the night. I didn't really sleep, though, and finally gave up around 1:00. Bruce got up a little later, and called Amtrak for an updated departure time. 4:30.

I take sleeping pills or I don't sleep. I can't take those and then plan to drive somewhere in the middle of the night. So, Bruce took pity on me and had me drop them off at 2:00 am instead of 3:00 so that I could come home, take my pills, and get some sleep. The train finally left around 5:00 am.

In the meantime, the youth leader, who planned this adventure, is trying to shift the blame off of herself. She was mad at Amtrak and wanted all of us to be calling them all night long. Because bugging the people at the call center in Wherever USA will make the train arrive sooner? To be fair, this is the option the parents chose. Our other option was to rent vans and have parent chaperones drive straight through. This one seemed much safer.

So the boys are in Sacramento and it's not well organized. Bruce has come to the conclusion that Tristan is probably done with youth group. I've got mixed feelings about that, but mostly they're my own stuff. Youth group was such a fabulous thing in my life when I was Tristan's age. But he's not me. And he's got several other positive things in his life; places where he's making friends and enjoying himself; things that build him up and encourage him. Youth group has become a chore for all of us.

Okay, I've got more, but my fingers are tired and I can't type clearly, so I'm going to bed.

Truth

Part of the Brave Girl stuff is to learn to recognize the lies we tell ourselves and/or allow others to tell us, particularly about who and what we are. There are several of these that have come to light lately, but for now, they'll stay private as I work with it a bit more and get braver about posting them here.

But, today, my Truth Teller nearly slapped me upside the head.

I'm setting a terrible example for my children. Now, she probably wouldn't phrase it quite like that, so let me edit that. I can and will set a better example for my children. (The Truth Teller is always positive and kind, see.....)

Here's the thing. I set out a few basic rules this summer for the kids. They have to get dressed, brush their teeth and hair, eat and clean up, plus practice their instrument before they can get near anything with a screen.

However, I frequently park myself in front of this box before I'm even awake.

So, starting tomorrow morning......no screen time for me until I've finished a few things too!