Deep Thoughts

So, I've been spinning some stuff around in my head and I need to get it out or I'll explode. However, I'm not sure how public I want it to be, truly, because there's a lot of "dirty laundry" and sensitive stuff in it.....I don't really even know why I'm so sensitive about it, but I am.

I turn 40 in December. Trish turns 40 in March of next year. We've been planning/discussing a trip to somewhere to celebrate this monumental event. The last time we did this, however, Bruce was a total pain in the butt about it, right up until I got on the stupid plane. I still don't know what his problem was about it, but he had issues over the whole thing.

Some of his issues seemed to be that he didn't want me to go somewhere he hadn't been or that we hadn't been together, and since we had never been to Mexico or on a beach vacation, he got all upset. I really think now that that was a red herring and there's more going on, but that's what he *said* about it.

So, Trish and I decided to go to DC next summer (yes, I know DC in the summer time is hot, humid mess, but she's a school teacher so that's when we can go, so we'll make the best of it). Bruce and I have been there twice with the kids, and Bruce has been there several times on business, so it seemed a bit safer than some exotic destination.

And yet, when I proposed this to Bruce, he immediately decided that we'd all go as a family instead. Um, wha....? Even Shannon saw that as an idiotic idea.

And Bruce is still not on board with this. First, there's the money issue. But again, I think that's a red herring. We can afford for me to go, especially if I have a year to save up for it. Our budget is based almost solely on Bruce's income, so my substitute teaching income can (and will) be set aside for this trip. Not to mention, if we can't afford for me to go alone, how in the world can we afford for the whole family to go?!

Bruce has 3 sisters who live in the DC area. We visited them in 2001 and 2003 for family events. Two of the 3 have not been out this way since our wedding…..17 years ago. The other sister came out sometime between our two trips, but I can’t remember. She was here for Christmas, but it was before Alana was born, and I wasn’t pregnant with Alana either. So I guess it had to be 2000. (See how my fuddled brain works out these things?! LOL!). The DC sisters have not seen their parents since 2003, I don’t think. I could be wrong about that, but it’s been awhile. Several grandchildren have been out to visit, but they wouldn’t recognize the changes in MIL because they probably don’t remember much about her from other trips.

More background: MIL’s health is declining. She’s having short-term memory problems. She’s very overweight (she weighs at least 350 lbs), has high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, and type 2 diabetes, plus macular degeneration. She’s 84, and some of this is to be expected, I suppose, but she hasn’t taken very good care of herself, either.

And a final note….Bruce’s niece is getting married in DC this weekend. We’d previously decided that none of us were going. Bruce had wanted just the two of us to go because the hotel and rental car are the same whether there’s one or two people in it. However, there’s the added cost of a plane ticket, plus a babysitter here, and all the fallderall that entails. It might be nice, but I just don’t want to go. August 6th just happens to be our anniversary, and spending it with the Outlaws doesn’t excite me in the slightest.

The Outlaws are planning to attend the wedding, though now MIL is moaning about how she’s not sure she’ll make it, etc. I hope, for the sisters’ sake, she does go. They really have no idea how her health has changed in the last few years. Bruce thinks she’s not going to live much longer and I know the sisters will feel terrible if they don’t see her again. I don’t think there’s any malice or anything in their not visiting…..they all have busy lives and I’m sure they’ve just mentally put their parents in that place where they’ll always be there.

So Bruce hemmed and hawed around about whether or not to go to the wedding, and finally decided, about 10 days ago, that he did, indeed, want to go if I could find him a decently-priced plane ticket. However, by the time he made that decision, it was less than 2 weeks to his trip, and the price of that ticket jumped $200 overnight. I'd predicted this. He does this often, debating and fussing and not making a decision until it's too late and it's out of his hands. It's a very passive way of living and it drives me CRAZY!

Now, since I'm being honest, he doesn't seem to have a problem with living his life this way. And, in generally, his laid-back non-planning tends to balance out my over-planning, and it's all good. In cases like this, where some planning is required, and my hands are tied, well, notsomuch.

So, here we are a couple of days before the wedding. He returned from the mission trip (10 days in CA with the youth group) on Monday morning, at the un-godly hour of 3 am. And, had he gone to the wedding, he'd be leaving today, just 3 days later. He is exhausted and buried at work, and really rather glad he's not getting on a plane today or tomorrow. Oh, and he's got another business trip next week.

My concern is that, when the time comes for us to once again discuss my DC trip, he'll rewrite his reasons and make it somehow my fault and/or responsibility that he didn't go. Never mind that I spent hours researching flights into 3 different airports, searching different days and websites trying to find something to make this work. Nope. Somehow it'll all be about how he made some sort of sacrifice for me or something. This is part of why I want to get this written down now, so I can show him date stamped proof that I predicted this would happen. Maybe I should print this out and mail it to myself so I'll have the post mark? But really, if I have to go to those lengths, what the heck?! I have to be *right*? We all know I am, and doing that won't serve any purpose.....or maybe it could. I'll have to think on that one a bit more.

I also often get the "you just hate my family" and "you don't know how to forgive" nonsense out of him in our "discussions" about these topics.

But here's the deep thought I had today (actually there are several....bear with me).

As I thought about those statements, which I've heard a million times, I realized that Bruce probably doesn't actually believe them. He just wants me to do what he wants me to do. By choosing NOT to visit his parents or choosing NOT to attend the wedding (for reasons that have *nothing* to do with his family), his life got complicated and a little painful. So, if he can throw hurtful things at me, which gets me to argue back and/or attempt to prove him wrong, he gets his easy life back. I don't think he's thought this all out. It's not a conscious thing. It's a serious knee-jerk reaction, and when I'm calm, I can practically see the knee go "pop."

But it's hurtful, nonetheless.

Okay. But it's still not true. And I'm learning more and more to listen to Truth and only truth. I could drag out all kinds of examples of how I don't hate his family, and how I do know how to forgive, but then we're not really talking about Truth anymore. And we never were.

The same goes for his "forgiveness" tirade. The last time he threw that one at me, I asked him to clarify what he meant by "forgive" and what that would look like in practice. He couldn't do it. Probably because what he meant wasn't so much about forgiveness, but more about doing what made HIS life easy by visiting his parents with him (this was all sparked when he said "We should visit" and I said "Have fun!").

His working definition of forgiveness, at least when I'm the one doing it, seems to be that I'm supposed to get amnesia and forget that his mother was ever nasty to me and walk back into that lion's den to be treated crappy all over again. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I'm no longer angry and bitter, though I do still get a bit melancholy over what could've been. I've let it go, but I'm also not an idiot and I'm not going back.

I see no point in my visiting. None. Not even "for him." That ship sailed a long time ago when he failed to believe me, when he failed to call his mother out on her nastiness, when he failed to protect me. He could've made this a better situation, but he chose to bury his head in the sand, tell me to deal with it because his mother's "never going to change" and now we're here. And each time we have this fight, it erodes my trust in him even further. That's what makes me sad and angry. It's not about his mother, and really, it never was.

I still don't know what's up with Bruce not wanting me to go on my DC trip. I don't think he really knows, but the thing is, it's not up to me to solve that piece of it. It's up to him to deal with. The same is true for the whole "you hate my family thing." That's not truth; and it's not my problem to solve.

I've been solving his emotional problems for so long that it's just a habit. It started mostly because I'm good at it, and it's easier for me to take it over and do it. Just like we've divided certain household tasks.....in general, we play to our strengths and help each other in weak areas. I don't mow lawns. He rarely does laundry and I can't remember the last time he had to wield a toilet brush. He does all kinds of fun things with the kids, but I do the emotional stuff.

In this case, however, in the long run, I'm not doing any of us any favors. And it's exhausting. Truly. And I get frustrated and resentful because I'm doing all the work while he never has to grow up emotionally...not fully anyway.

So those revelations hit me in the last couple of weeks.

Here's what's new.....(drumroll please)

I don't have to make him understand.

In doing that, in trying to get him to see my side and agree with me, I'm still doing things he should be doing himself.

I don't have to "prove" my Truth to him.

He doesn't have to understand my Truth. I need him to respect it and accept it, and that may take a lot more work, but it's MY Truth. Not his.

I don't have to show him his own Truth either.

That's me still trying to be in control. And I'm not. I never was and I don't want to be. (Well, okay, maybe a little.....)