We went camping over the weekend, down to Capitol Reef National Park. It was likely our last camping trip of the season, though I'm hoping to go one more time (That's another post, however). With us were 6 other families loosely (or not) associated with our church.
One woman, a dear friend, has had a rough time lately. Her mother is older and struggling with health issues. She's recently moved into a retirement center, and my friend is trying to handle her doctor appointments, financial situation, etc, etc. Friend's siblings are, shall we say, less than helpful. Friend also has an elementary-aged child and a college child who's recently moved home. Friend could be the poster child for the "sandwich generation," bless her heart, and it's taking it's toll.
Saturday night is traditionally potluck night. Everyone brings meat for their family, plus a side dish to share. There's usually a bottle of wine (or two) and beer to go around, plus chips, salsa, guacamole and other equally fancy appetizers. After the potluck comes the kids' favorite moment--S'more time! All across the campground you hear parents telling their children that, if they want a s'more later, they MUST eat their dinner. My children are often reminded that dinner needs to include more than chips.....
So, after dinner and a couple of beers, it started to get chilly, so I headed into the trailer to make some tea (mate, actually, which is a South American brewed leafy thing....they put it in "tea" bags for us white folks). Friend mentioned that tea sounded good, and after smelling the mate, asked me for some. I dropped in a few sugar cubes, the mate bag, and poured the hot water and off we went for more catching up.
However. My friend cradled that tea cup.....a Disney insulated mug.....and said "I'm blessed to have you." When I went on with my business, stirring, and squeezing, she took my chin in her hand. She looked me square in they eye and said again "I'm blessed to have you."
It was a powerful moment. Simple, really. All I did was share my tea; brewing a cup for each of us to ward off the fall chill. And yet. For her, it was so much more than that. And she made sure I knew it.
But that's the thing about those every day kindnesses. We never truly know when someone needs that. We don't often know how much those little things are appreciated. But those things can be so very powerful in the life of someone else.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
She's gone
Our minister died early this morning.
From her Caring Bridge Site:
"Dear ones,
This morning at about 4:30, Marti's two year battle with cancer finally came to an end. As many of you know, she has fought hard and well, and yet knew that when the time came her true test would be to "die well" too. Though we mourn deeply her loss, we know that she suffers no more and that the journey she took this morning was one she believed in fully and awaited without fear. We hope that you will all find comfort in knowing that she is at peace and lives on in the memories and teachings she gave to so many during her life. We really have to say "what a woman she was!" because, as you have shown, she was so much to so many.
As of yet memorial services have not been decided on, but please know that we will post them as soon as we know. For now, we pray only for comfort, knowing that those of us she has left behind will miss her greatly."
From her Caring Bridge Site:
"Dear ones,
This morning at about 4:30, Marti's two year battle with cancer finally came to an end. As many of you know, she has fought hard and well, and yet knew that when the time came her true test would be to "die well" too. Though we mourn deeply her loss, we know that she suffers no more and that the journey she took this morning was one she believed in fully and awaited without fear. We hope that you will all find comfort in knowing that she is at peace and lives on in the memories and teachings she gave to so many during her life. We really have to say "what a woman she was!" because, as you have shown, she was so much to so many.
As of yet memorial services have not been decided on, but please know that we will post them as soon as we know. For now, we pray only for comfort, knowing that those of us she has left behind will miss her greatly."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Timely musings
I walked Alana to school today and we were talking about all sorts of things, including why Mommy shouldn't text and walk, much less text and drive.....we chatted about reading books and getting lost in them. We chatted about our weekend. And then Alana started doing a little math. She realized that, in 3 years, Tristan will be out of school, Shannon will be in High School, and she would be starting Junior High.
I knew that, and yet, when I stop to think about it, it hits me pretty hard. I remember when old ladies and older mothers used to tell me to cherish this time because it goes so fast. And I remember, in those days of showering at 3 in the afternoon constantly cleaning up the three 'p's, and always having a small person clinging to me or needing me or whining at me or crying.....I remember thinking that it couldn't go fast enough!
And now I'm wanting to slow time down, just a bit, so I can savor these precious moments that really do go too fast. I don't want to hold my children back from their lives....I just want time to stop ticking by quite so fast. Maybe it's the hint of fall in the air after what seemed like and endless and beautiful summer. Maybe it's the milestones of my oldest as he becomes more and more independent. I don't know, but I find myself wishing that each second lasted a half a second longer.
Ten years ago, I was trying to come to terms with being pregnant for a third time, totally unplanned. I wasn't sure I wanted another child. I had a boy and a girl, the house and the dog. The kids were (mostly) sleeping through the night and we were nearly done with diapers and here I was, pregnant. And really, at that stage, the "baby" didn't seem very real just yet. While I recognized that I had choices, I also knew somehow that this baby was meant to be, so we soldiered on, somewhat reluctantly I'll admit, and made room in our lives for this new precious light.
Now I look forward another ten years and I'll be an empty-nester; possibly even a grandmother (I'm in no hurry, but Tristan will be 25 at that point). It just doesn't seem possible that those seemingly endless nights of fussy babies, wet diapers and barfy sheets have given way to this life.
My kids are amazing people. Sometimes I think it's because of me, and other times I'm sure it's in spite of me. They all have a good work ethic, though a bit whiny at times. They look out for each other (when they're not trying to kill one another). They're responsible and respectful. They're intelligent and active and soak up information like little sponges. I'm continually amazed at the connections their minds make.
Tristan has a job; a real job with a paycheck and FICA and everything. He's one of 3 sophomores to make it into the High School Jazz Band. He does his own laundry and he can cook some basic stuff. I have no doubt he could tackle more complicated recipes if he wanted to. He shoots hoops in the back yard almost everyday and he's developing a social life too.
Shannon is a teenager wanting to hold on to her childhood. She cares about what she wears, but most days she forgets earrings and I still have to remind her to put on deodorant. She takes looooong hot showers, prompting her father to bang on the door, shouting something about hot water and not having a sauna on purpose (makes me glad this house has a 50 gallon hot water heater), and yet she still plays with and treasures her American Girl doll.
Alana is mischievous and brilliant, which has the potential to be a deadly combination. She is, however, a terrible liar, so far, and I'm hoping that doesn't change anytime soon. She's had a mind of her own since before she was born, and I love and hate that about her. She's loving and sweet, knows everything there is to know about Pokemon, and is very loud about her dislike of all things work-like. In spite of her protests, though, she does get her chores done.
And just when my heart swells with pride, I hear the tell-tale signs of trouble and "I didn't MEAN to poke you in the eye."
I knew that, and yet, when I stop to think about it, it hits me pretty hard. I remember when old ladies and older mothers used to tell me to cherish this time because it goes so fast. And I remember, in those days of showering at 3 in the afternoon constantly cleaning up the three 'p's, and always having a small person clinging to me or needing me or whining at me or crying.....I remember thinking that it couldn't go fast enough!
And now I'm wanting to slow time down, just a bit, so I can savor these precious moments that really do go too fast. I don't want to hold my children back from their lives....I just want time to stop ticking by quite so fast. Maybe it's the hint of fall in the air after what seemed like and endless and beautiful summer. Maybe it's the milestones of my oldest as he becomes more and more independent. I don't know, but I find myself wishing that each second lasted a half a second longer.
Ten years ago, I was trying to come to terms with being pregnant for a third time, totally unplanned. I wasn't sure I wanted another child. I had a boy and a girl, the house and the dog. The kids were (mostly) sleeping through the night and we were nearly done with diapers and here I was, pregnant. And really, at that stage, the "baby" didn't seem very real just yet. While I recognized that I had choices, I also knew somehow that this baby was meant to be, so we soldiered on, somewhat reluctantly I'll admit, and made room in our lives for this new precious light.
Now I look forward another ten years and I'll be an empty-nester; possibly even a grandmother (I'm in no hurry, but Tristan will be 25 at that point). It just doesn't seem possible that those seemingly endless nights of fussy babies, wet diapers and barfy sheets have given way to this life.
My kids are amazing people. Sometimes I think it's because of me, and other times I'm sure it's in spite of me. They all have a good work ethic, though a bit whiny at times. They look out for each other (when they're not trying to kill one another). They're responsible and respectful. They're intelligent and active and soak up information like little sponges. I'm continually amazed at the connections their minds make.
Tristan has a job; a real job with a paycheck and FICA and everything. He's one of 3 sophomores to make it into the High School Jazz Band. He does his own laundry and he can cook some basic stuff. I have no doubt he could tackle more complicated recipes if he wanted to. He shoots hoops in the back yard almost everyday and he's developing a social life too.
Shannon is a teenager wanting to hold on to her childhood. She cares about what she wears, but most days she forgets earrings and I still have to remind her to put on deodorant. She takes looooong hot showers, prompting her father to bang on the door, shouting something about hot water and not having a sauna on purpose (makes me glad this house has a 50 gallon hot water heater), and yet she still plays with and treasures her American Girl doll.
Alana is mischievous and brilliant, which has the potential to be a deadly combination. She is, however, a terrible liar, so far, and I'm hoping that doesn't change anytime soon. She's had a mind of her own since before she was born, and I love and hate that about her. She's loving and sweet, knows everything there is to know about Pokemon, and is very loud about her dislike of all things work-like. In spite of her protests, though, she does get her chores done.
And just when my heart swells with pride, I hear the tell-tale signs of trouble and "I didn't MEAN to poke you in the eye."
Friday, August 26, 2011
Heavy heart
There are almost no words.
Our minister is dying.
And our church is in desperate need of leadership and consistency and all the things that a strong minister can bring us.
And we're grieving, and struggling, and uncertain, and sniping at each other and...
and....there's so much more. Youth Leader is about to push me right over the edge, and the Conference (the governing body of each geographic area of the United Methodist church) has thoroughly let us down, mostly by sticking their heads in the sand and playing pretend with a lot of other people.
and.....
The one bright-ish light is that a former minister, who is now retired, is coming back for a 3-month stay. I don't know if he can/will stay on until a new minister is appointed, which is usually done in June.....generally, if a minister is available now, there's a reason.
*sigh*
And she's dying....so very gracefully.
Our minister is dying.
And our church is in desperate need of leadership and consistency and all the things that a strong minister can bring us.
And we're grieving, and struggling, and uncertain, and sniping at each other and...
and....there's so much more. Youth Leader is about to push me right over the edge, and the Conference (the governing body of each geographic area of the United Methodist church) has thoroughly let us down, mostly by sticking their heads in the sand and playing pretend with a lot of other people.
and.....
The one bright-ish light is that a former minister, who is now retired, is coming back for a 3-month stay. I don't know if he can/will stay on until a new minister is appointed, which is usually done in June.....generally, if a minister is available now, there's a reason.
*sigh*
And she's dying....so very gracefully.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking...into the future
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and melancholy today, plus a whole bunch of other stuff because I'm a girl and I've usually got about a dozen emotions going on.
School started yesterday. My kids are in 4th, 8th, and 10th grades. I have an official High Schooler who proudly possesses a Learner's Permit, in spite of the fact that he can't get his license for nearly a year. Funny the juxtaposition as he races towards growing up and I keep trying to hold back the sands of time and savor, just for a moment, this precise instant.
I suppose there's nothing like a child to remind you just how quickly time passes. People used to say that to me all the time and I thought they were full of crap, but it's true. I can't hardly believe how amazing they are and how grown up they are. There are days when that overwhelms me and I have to take a moment and remember to breathe.
Those moments are usually shattered by shouts of "Mo-om!" Which is then followed by more hollering about who did what to whom and how it's not fair!
I find myself sitting here, basically wasting time on various games, advice columns, and blogs, and wondering just what kind of life I want for myself. All of a sudden, I have uncounted hours stretching before me, just waiting for me to fill them. I realize that it's only the second day of school, and I'm trying hard not to listen to that voice inside my head telling me that I *should* be organized and my house *should* be spotless. Really? Says who?! LOL!
The time will come, and come soon. I don't do idleness very well. Not to mention that my back won't stand for too much lolly-gagging in this chair. And, of course, activities are starting again, with a vengance, so I'm already juggling a few things--music lessons, work, meetings, back to school night, and more. It'll all come together, or it won't. And either way, I'm going to enjoy it. In a few years, one of my chicks will have flown the nest and I want to savor this time.
School started yesterday. My kids are in 4th, 8th, and 10th grades. I have an official High Schooler who proudly possesses a Learner's Permit, in spite of the fact that he can't get his license for nearly a year. Funny the juxtaposition as he races towards growing up and I keep trying to hold back the sands of time and savor, just for a moment, this precise instant.
I suppose there's nothing like a child to remind you just how quickly time passes. People used to say that to me all the time and I thought they were full of crap, but it's true. I can't hardly believe how amazing they are and how grown up they are. There are days when that overwhelms me and I have to take a moment and remember to breathe.
Those moments are usually shattered by shouts of "Mo-om!" Which is then followed by more hollering about who did what to whom and how it's not fair!
I find myself sitting here, basically wasting time on various games, advice columns, and blogs, and wondering just what kind of life I want for myself. All of a sudden, I have uncounted hours stretching before me, just waiting for me to fill them. I realize that it's only the second day of school, and I'm trying hard not to listen to that voice inside my head telling me that I *should* be organized and my house *should* be spotless. Really? Says who?! LOL!
The time will come, and come soon. I don't do idleness very well. Not to mention that my back won't stand for too much lolly-gagging in this chair. And, of course, activities are starting again, with a vengance, so I'm already juggling a few things--music lessons, work, meetings, back to school night, and more. It'll all come together, or it won't. And either way, I'm going to enjoy it. In a few years, one of my chicks will have flown the nest and I want to savor this time.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Deep Thoughts
So, I've been spinning some stuff around in my head and I need to get it out or I'll explode. However, I'm not sure how public I want it to be, truly, because there's a lot of "dirty laundry" and sensitive stuff in it.....I don't really even know why I'm so sensitive about it, but I am.
I turn 40 in December. Trish turns 40 in March of next year. We've been planning/discussing a trip to somewhere to celebrate this monumental event. The last time we did this, however, Bruce was a total pain in the butt about it, right up until I got on the stupid plane. I still don't know what his problem was about it, but he had issues over the whole thing.
Some of his issues seemed to be that he didn't want me to go somewhere he hadn't been or that we hadn't been together, and since we had never been to Mexico or on a beach vacation, he got all upset. I really think now that that was a red herring and there's more going on, but that's what he *said* about it.
So, Trish and I decided to go to DC next summer (yes, I know DC in the summer time is hot, humid mess, but she's a school teacher so that's when we can go, so we'll make the best of it). Bruce and I have been there twice with the kids, and Bruce has been there several times on business, so it seemed a bit safer than some exotic destination.
And yet, when I proposed this to Bruce, he immediately decided that we'd all go as a family instead. Um, wha....? Even Shannon saw that as an idiotic idea.
And Bruce is still not on board with this. First, there's the money issue. But again, I think that's a red herring. We can afford for me to go, especially if I have a year to save up for it. Our budget is based almost solely on Bruce's income, so my substitute teaching income can (and will) be set aside for this trip. Not to mention, if we can't afford for me to go alone, how in the world can we afford for the whole family to go?!
Bruce has 3 sisters who live in the DC area. We visited them in 2001 and 2003 for family events. Two of the 3 have not been out this way since our wedding…..17 years ago. The other sister came out sometime between our two trips, but I can’t remember. She was here for Christmas, but it was before Alana was born, and I wasn’t pregnant with Alana either. So I guess it had to be 2000. (See how my fuddled brain works out these things?! LOL!). The DC sisters have not seen their parents since 2003, I don’t think. I could be wrong about that, but it’s been awhile. Several grandchildren have been out to visit, but they wouldn’t recognize the changes in MIL because they probably don’t remember much about her from other trips.
More background: MIL’s health is declining. She’s having short-term memory problems. She’s very overweight (she weighs at least 350 lbs), has high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, and type 2 diabetes, plus macular degeneration. She’s 84, and some of this is to be expected, I suppose, but she hasn’t taken very good care of herself, either.
And a final note….Bruce’s niece is getting married in DC this weekend. We’d previously decided that none of us were going. Bruce had wanted just the two of us to go because the hotel and rental car are the same whether there’s one or two people in it. However, there’s the added cost of a plane ticket, plus a babysitter here, and all the fallderall that entails. It might be nice, but I just don’t want to go. August 6th just happens to be our anniversary, and spending it with the Outlaws doesn’t excite me in the slightest.
The Outlaws are planning to attend the wedding, though now MIL is moaning about how she’s not sure she’ll make it, etc. I hope, for the sisters’ sake, she does go. They really have no idea how her health has changed in the last few years. Bruce thinks she’s not going to live much longer and I know the sisters will feel terrible if they don’t see her again. I don’t think there’s any malice or anything in their not visiting…..they all have busy lives and I’m sure they’ve just mentally put their parents in that place where they’ll always be there.
So Bruce hemmed and hawed around about whether or not to go to the wedding, and finally decided, about 10 days ago, that he did, indeed, want to go if I could find him a decently-priced plane ticket. However, by the time he made that decision, it was less than 2 weeks to his trip, and the price of that ticket jumped $200 overnight. I'd predicted this. He does this often, debating and fussing and not making a decision until it's too late and it's out of his hands. It's a very passive way of living and it drives me CRAZY!
Now, since I'm being honest, he doesn't seem to have a problem with living his life this way. And, in generally, his laid-back non-planning tends to balance out my over-planning, and it's all good. In cases like this, where some planning is required, and my hands are tied, well, notsomuch.
So, here we are a couple of days before the wedding. He returned from the mission trip (10 days in CA with the youth group) on Monday morning, at the un-godly hour of 3 am. And, had he gone to the wedding, he'd be leaving today, just 3 days later. He is exhausted and buried at work, and really rather glad he's not getting on a plane today or tomorrow. Oh, and he's got another business trip next week.
My concern is that, when the time comes for us to once again discuss my DC trip, he'll rewrite his reasons and make it somehow my fault and/or responsibility that he didn't go. Never mind that I spent hours researching flights into 3 different airports, searching different days and websites trying to find something to make this work. Nope. Somehow it'll all be about how he made some sort of sacrifice for me or something. This is part of why I want to get this written down now, so I can show him date stamped proof that I predicted this would happen. Maybe I should print this out and mail it to myself so I'll have the post mark? But really, if I have to go to those lengths, what the heck?! I have to be *right*? We all know I am, and doing that won't serve any purpose.....or maybe it could. I'll have to think on that one a bit more.
I also often get the "you just hate my family" and "you don't know how to forgive" nonsense out of him in our "discussions" about these topics.
But here's the deep thought I had today (actually there are several....bear with me).
As I thought about those statements, which I've heard a million times, I realized that Bruce probably doesn't actually believe them. He just wants me to do what he wants me to do. By choosing NOT to visit his parents or choosing NOT to attend the wedding (for reasons that have *nothing* to do with his family), his life got complicated and a little painful. So, if he can throw hurtful things at me, which gets me to argue back and/or attempt to prove him wrong, he gets his easy life back. I don't think he's thought this all out. It's not a conscious thing. It's a serious knee-jerk reaction, and when I'm calm, I can practically see the knee go "pop."
But it's hurtful, nonetheless.
Okay. But it's still not true. And I'm learning more and more to listen to Truth and only truth. I could drag out all kinds of examples of how I don't hate his family, and how I do know how to forgive, but then we're not really talking about Truth anymore. And we never were.
The same goes for his "forgiveness" tirade. The last time he threw that one at me, I asked him to clarify what he meant by "forgive" and what that would look like in practice. He couldn't do it. Probably because what he meant wasn't so much about forgiveness, but more about doing what made HIS life easy by visiting his parents with him (this was all sparked when he said "We should visit" and I said "Have fun!").
His working definition of forgiveness, at least when I'm the one doing it, seems to be that I'm supposed to get amnesia and forget that his mother was ever nasty to me and walk back into that lion's den to be treated crappy all over again. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I'm no longer angry and bitter, though I do still get a bit melancholy over what could've been. I've let it go, but I'm also not an idiot and I'm not going back.
I see no point in my visiting. None. Not even "for him." That ship sailed a long time ago when he failed to believe me, when he failed to call his mother out on her nastiness, when he failed to protect me. He could've made this a better situation, but he chose to bury his head in the sand, tell me to deal with it because his mother's "never going to change" and now we're here. And each time we have this fight, it erodes my trust in him even further. That's what makes me sad and angry. It's not about his mother, and really, it never was.
I still don't know what's up with Bruce not wanting me to go on my DC trip. I don't think he really knows, but the thing is, it's not up to me to solve that piece of it. It's up to him to deal with. The same is true for the whole "you hate my family thing." That's not truth; and it's not my problem to solve.
I've been solving his emotional problems for so long that it's just a habit. It started mostly because I'm good at it, and it's easier for me to take it over and do it. Just like we've divided certain household tasks.....in general, we play to our strengths and help each other in weak areas. I don't mow lawns. He rarely does laundry and I can't remember the last time he had to wield a toilet brush. He does all kinds of fun things with the kids, but I do the emotional stuff.
In this case, however, in the long run, I'm not doing any of us any favors. And it's exhausting. Truly. And I get frustrated and resentful because I'm doing all the work while he never has to grow up emotionally...not fully anyway.
So those revelations hit me in the last couple of weeks.
Here's what's new.....(drumroll please)
I don't have to make him understand.
In doing that, in trying to get him to see my side and agree with me, I'm still doing things he should be doing himself.
I don't have to "prove" my Truth to him.
He doesn't have to understand my Truth. I need him to respect it and accept it, and that may take a lot more work, but it's MY Truth. Not his.
I don't have to show him his own Truth either.
That's me still trying to be in control. And I'm not. I never was and I don't want to be. (Well, okay, maybe a little.....)
I turn 40 in December. Trish turns 40 in March of next year. We've been planning/discussing a trip to somewhere to celebrate this monumental event. The last time we did this, however, Bruce was a total pain in the butt about it, right up until I got on the stupid plane. I still don't know what his problem was about it, but he had issues over the whole thing.
Some of his issues seemed to be that he didn't want me to go somewhere he hadn't been or that we hadn't been together, and since we had never been to Mexico or on a beach vacation, he got all upset. I really think now that that was a red herring and there's more going on, but that's what he *said* about it.
So, Trish and I decided to go to DC next summer (yes, I know DC in the summer time is hot, humid mess, but she's a school teacher so that's when we can go, so we'll make the best of it). Bruce and I have been there twice with the kids, and Bruce has been there several times on business, so it seemed a bit safer than some exotic destination.
And yet, when I proposed this to Bruce, he immediately decided that we'd all go as a family instead. Um, wha....? Even Shannon saw that as an idiotic idea.
And Bruce is still not on board with this. First, there's the money issue. But again, I think that's a red herring. We can afford for me to go, especially if I have a year to save up for it. Our budget is based almost solely on Bruce's income, so my substitute teaching income can (and will) be set aside for this trip. Not to mention, if we can't afford for me to go alone, how in the world can we afford for the whole family to go?!
Bruce has 3 sisters who live in the DC area. We visited them in 2001 and 2003 for family events. Two of the 3 have not been out this way since our wedding…..17 years ago. The other sister came out sometime between our two trips, but I can’t remember. She was here for Christmas, but it was before Alana was born, and I wasn’t pregnant with Alana either. So I guess it had to be 2000. (See how my fuddled brain works out these things?! LOL!). The DC sisters have not seen their parents since 2003, I don’t think. I could be wrong about that, but it’s been awhile. Several grandchildren have been out to visit, but they wouldn’t recognize the changes in MIL because they probably don’t remember much about her from other trips.
More background: MIL’s health is declining. She’s having short-term memory problems. She’s very overweight (she weighs at least 350 lbs), has high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, and type 2 diabetes, plus macular degeneration. She’s 84, and some of this is to be expected, I suppose, but she hasn’t taken very good care of herself, either.
And a final note….Bruce’s niece is getting married in DC this weekend. We’d previously decided that none of us were going. Bruce had wanted just the two of us to go because the hotel and rental car are the same whether there’s one or two people in it. However, there’s the added cost of a plane ticket, plus a babysitter here, and all the fallderall that entails. It might be nice, but I just don’t want to go. August 6th just happens to be our anniversary, and spending it with the Outlaws doesn’t excite me in the slightest.
The Outlaws are planning to attend the wedding, though now MIL is moaning about how she’s not sure she’ll make it, etc. I hope, for the sisters’ sake, she does go. They really have no idea how her health has changed in the last few years. Bruce thinks she’s not going to live much longer and I know the sisters will feel terrible if they don’t see her again. I don’t think there’s any malice or anything in their not visiting…..they all have busy lives and I’m sure they’ve just mentally put their parents in that place where they’ll always be there.
So Bruce hemmed and hawed around about whether or not to go to the wedding, and finally decided, about 10 days ago, that he did, indeed, want to go if I could find him a decently-priced plane ticket. However, by the time he made that decision, it was less than 2 weeks to his trip, and the price of that ticket jumped $200 overnight. I'd predicted this. He does this often, debating and fussing and not making a decision until it's too late and it's out of his hands. It's a very passive way of living and it drives me CRAZY!
Now, since I'm being honest, he doesn't seem to have a problem with living his life this way. And, in generally, his laid-back non-planning tends to balance out my over-planning, and it's all good. In cases like this, where some planning is required, and my hands are tied, well, notsomuch.
So, here we are a couple of days before the wedding. He returned from the mission trip (10 days in CA with the youth group) on Monday morning, at the un-godly hour of 3 am. And, had he gone to the wedding, he'd be leaving today, just 3 days later. He is exhausted and buried at work, and really rather glad he's not getting on a plane today or tomorrow. Oh, and he's got another business trip next week.
My concern is that, when the time comes for us to once again discuss my DC trip, he'll rewrite his reasons and make it somehow my fault and/or responsibility that he didn't go. Never mind that I spent hours researching flights into 3 different airports, searching different days and websites trying to find something to make this work. Nope. Somehow it'll all be about how he made some sort of sacrifice for me or something. This is part of why I want to get this written down now, so I can show him date stamped proof that I predicted this would happen. Maybe I should print this out and mail it to myself so I'll have the post mark? But really, if I have to go to those lengths, what the heck?! I have to be *right*? We all know I am, and doing that won't serve any purpose.....or maybe it could. I'll have to think on that one a bit more.
I also often get the "you just hate my family" and "you don't know how to forgive" nonsense out of him in our "discussions" about these topics.
But here's the deep thought I had today (actually there are several....bear with me).
As I thought about those statements, which I've heard a million times, I realized that Bruce probably doesn't actually believe them. He just wants me to do what he wants me to do. By choosing NOT to visit his parents or choosing NOT to attend the wedding (for reasons that have *nothing* to do with his family), his life got complicated and a little painful. So, if he can throw hurtful things at me, which gets me to argue back and/or attempt to prove him wrong, he gets his easy life back. I don't think he's thought this all out. It's not a conscious thing. It's a serious knee-jerk reaction, and when I'm calm, I can practically see the knee go "pop."
But it's hurtful, nonetheless.
Okay. But it's still not true. And I'm learning more and more to listen to Truth and only truth. I could drag out all kinds of examples of how I don't hate his family, and how I do know how to forgive, but then we're not really talking about Truth anymore. And we never were.
The same goes for his "forgiveness" tirade. The last time he threw that one at me, I asked him to clarify what he meant by "forgive" and what that would look like in practice. He couldn't do it. Probably because what he meant wasn't so much about forgiveness, but more about doing what made HIS life easy by visiting his parents with him (this was all sparked when he said "We should visit" and I said "Have fun!").
His working definition of forgiveness, at least when I'm the one doing it, seems to be that I'm supposed to get amnesia and forget that his mother was ever nasty to me and walk back into that lion's den to be treated crappy all over again. Sorry, buddy. Not happening. I'm no longer angry and bitter, though I do still get a bit melancholy over what could've been. I've let it go, but I'm also not an idiot and I'm not going back.
I see no point in my visiting. None. Not even "for him." That ship sailed a long time ago when he failed to believe me, when he failed to call his mother out on her nastiness, when he failed to protect me. He could've made this a better situation, but he chose to bury his head in the sand, tell me to deal with it because his mother's "never going to change" and now we're here. And each time we have this fight, it erodes my trust in him even further. That's what makes me sad and angry. It's not about his mother, and really, it never was.
I still don't know what's up with Bruce not wanting me to go on my DC trip. I don't think he really knows, but the thing is, it's not up to me to solve that piece of it. It's up to him to deal with. The same is true for the whole "you hate my family thing." That's not truth; and it's not my problem to solve.
I've been solving his emotional problems for so long that it's just a habit. It started mostly because I'm good at it, and it's easier for me to take it over and do it. Just like we've divided certain household tasks.....in general, we play to our strengths and help each other in weak areas. I don't mow lawns. He rarely does laundry and I can't remember the last time he had to wield a toilet brush. He does all kinds of fun things with the kids, but I do the emotional stuff.
In this case, however, in the long run, I'm not doing any of us any favors. And it's exhausting. Truly. And I get frustrated and resentful because I'm doing all the work while he never has to grow up emotionally...not fully anyway.
So those revelations hit me in the last couple of weeks.
Here's what's new.....(drumroll please)
I don't have to make him understand.
In doing that, in trying to get him to see my side and agree with me, I'm still doing things he should be doing himself.
I don't have to "prove" my Truth to him.
He doesn't have to understand my Truth. I need him to respect it and accept it, and that may take a lot more work, but it's MY Truth. Not his.
I don't have to show him his own Truth either.
That's me still trying to be in control. And I'm not. I never was and I don't want to be. (Well, okay, maybe a little.....)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Hello. My name is Erica and I'm addicted to Zuma!
So, once again, I’m giving up Zuma Blitz on Facebook. It brings out the worst in me. I enjoy the game, but it’s set up so that you’re competing against your “friends.” I get SO competitive and I was trying to win until 1:00 in the morning. I racked up one million “mojo,” which can be used to buy “powers,” like an early multiplier and the like, and then I went and spent them trying to win. The leader had almost 1.5 million points, which is a *really* high score. Other weeks, a score of 900K would blow everyone out of the water, but not this week, and I was determined to win. Alas, it seemed not to be. I was behind by about 70K points and, by the time I gave up that night, I was seeing things, shooting and completely missing, and my right hand seemed to be permanently shaped like a claw around my mouse. Not good. Not good at all. I had to ice my hand!
I did win the next morning by about 700 points. But now I'm done. It serves no purpose so I'll be moving on to other pursuits.
I did win the next morning by about 700 points. But now I'm done. It serves no purpose so I'll be moving on to other pursuits.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)