A tough day

Yesterday was rough.

I pulled into the garage Wednesday night, late, and apparently I forgot to close the door. My purse was stolen off the front seat of my van, along with the GPS out of the Pilot. My camera was in my purse, along with about $600 in cash, plus credit cards, ID, gas cards, the works.

Bruce was furious. I know he wasn't angry at me, per se, but it still really hurt the way he was talking to me.

I skipped my volunteer shift at the church in the morning, but I still had to be at the other church to volunteer at the uber-awesome consignment sale (volunteers get a ticket to the presale). I was there from 11:45-3:00, then went home to grab Tristan and we went to work by 3:45. I left work at 6:00 to get to the presale (found some really great stuff). On my way out, I missed the curb and sprained my ankle.

This evening, however, a neighbor called. She'd found my purse while out walking her dog. Much of the cash is missing, of course, and so is my camera and the GPS, but my driver's license, and all of my credit cards were still in there. There was also about $200 in cash in my Dave Ramsey envelope wallet thingey. I don't think the creep realized there would be money in there.

The neighbor was so kind....the first thing she wanted to know was if I was all right since my purse and all it's contents were scattered in the snow-covered field. Bruce and Tristan went back out to see if the could find anything else. They did find my journal and other miscellaneous stuff, but no camera. Bruce commented "you sure carried all sorts of stuff in there, didn't you?" Um, yeah, honey.

My purse is ruined, as is my wallet. Two days in the snow and rain'll do that. Most of the paper stuff is ruined too, coupons and the like, and probably my journal as well, but I might be able to salvage the writings and that's what matters. So, I'm still a bit discouraged, but feeling somewhat better tonight.

And the neighbor is getting some cookies! :-)

What do you say?

What do you say when your 12 yo daughter tells you that she hasn't been giving herself needed insulin because she's afraid her blood sugar will drop? What do you say when she tells you that her biggest fear is that her sugar will drop too low during the night and she won't wake up?

How do I comfort her when that is *my* biggest fear too?

Through the last two years, I've learned, yet again, how strong I can be. There are days when I'm not strong at all, and there are times when I wish I didn't have to be strong. But I'm a mom. And moms do what their children need them to do. So I've become a mom who bakes gluten free bread, who has a shoebox full of insulin vials in her fridge. I've gone from fainting at the sight of needles to giving shots. I've gone from "HOLY CRAP! YOUR SUGAR IS WHAT?!?!" to calling the nurses line and calmly explaining what's going on, getting their instructions, praying for the best, all the while planning just what I'll juggle if the child has to go to the hospital.

I hope, with all of my heart, that none of you ever have to experience this because it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In those moments, nothing else really matters.

And then there are the moments like last night, when Shannon told me that her sugar's been dropping too low after she gives herself insulin. We think her basal rate was too high, so we adjusted it a bit. And we talked. A lot.

We talked about how she's awakened in the past because her sugar was low and she "felt weird." We talked about how she's not truly my child....she's God's child. We talked about how God loves her, which led to a discussion of how a loving God "gives" a child this disease. We talked about what it would be like if Rumplestiltskin (Shrek Forever After) took that one day, the one day she started to get sick. Would I let that happen? I told her I wasn't sure. I would take the disease on myself, in a heartbeat, if given the chance. We talked about finding blessings in the midst of this struggle. And we talked about how she does not have to carry this alone. Ever.

She may have to take my face in her hands to get my full attention, because I'm always doing about 7 things at a time, but I would listen and I would help, and I would help her carry the load; figure things out.

It still breaks my heart, really. Like I've said before, my heart shattered the day they were diagnosed, and I'm not sure I'll ever quite put all the pieces back together.

100 Things I'm Grateful For

Our minister is doing a series of sermons on the 7 Deadly Sins during Lent. So far, we've discussed Pride, Lust, Sloth, Greed, and Envy. It's been a real eye-opener for me, in many ways, starting with my proud assertion that *I* don't suffer from these sins. Oh, really? LOL!

Last week's sermon was on Greed, as in "the desire to acquire gone haywire." One cure for greed is gratitude, and we were challenged to come up with a list of 100 things we're grateful for.

Here's the start of my list.
1. My church and the community therein
2. The Bible
3. The ability to read
4. The ability to question and find answers.
5. Learning to live without an answer
6. My children and all that they teach me every single day.
7. My wonderful husband. He's patient, loving, dependable, and kind.
8. My parents
9. Melany (my sister)
10. Good friends
11. My fabulous neighbors
12. My "Mayberry" neighborhood
13. My house that's truly a home
14. Water in the desert (even when it's snow in April)
15. My dad, my vet on call. :-)
16. Insulin
17. Gluten-free cookbooks and websites
18. Improved food labeling practices, and manufacturer 800 numbers so I can find the information I need to keep Shannon healthy.
19. Opportunities available to women today
20. Freedom to disagree and/or question those in authority
21. Our beautiful mountains
22. My jobs
23. Bruce's job
24. Fluffy clouds
25. Pets and the joy that they bring us
26. Modern medicine
27. Creative Memories
28. Creativitity
29. Answers/solutions that come in my sleep
30. Spring break and time off work too
31. The amazing variety of quality, safe foods available to me
32. A full pantry and freezer
33. Forgiveness
34. Coffee, specifically my coffee concoction I make each morning.
35. Coffeemate Coconut Creme Creamer (wish they'd make a fat-free version)
36. Coffeemate FF Hazelnut Creamer
37. Text messaging
38. My crock pot
39. My bread machine
40. Gas fireplace
41. Conversations about difficult subjects with my children.

Another Productive Day

Today we cleaned out the toy cupboard, dumping dozens of games that were missing their pieces, hanging out in broken down boxes. I counted puzzle pieces and came up short, so out to the recycling it went. I asked Bruce to find me the software for an item I'm selling next weekend, and he promptly cleaned out the computer cupboard. Our recycling is full, and Bruce took a load to the dump. I've got books to share with many people, plus dozens and dozens of gently used items to go in the sale next weekend. And I'm nearly done with my inventory for the sale too. Just rounding up a few more things and I have to ask Tristan just what the heck all those pieces belong to and how they go together. I can't sell it if I don't know what it is! LOL!

Spring Break is at an end. Bruce has to go into work tomorrow as he's totally buried there and he spent both Friday and Saturday at home. The girls don't want to go to church, and if I weren't taking several things into people who are depending on me, well, I wouldn't go either. But I am, they are, and so I'll go and probably be glad I did. However, the girls being home gives me the excuse I need to dodge the women's group meeting. I just can't stomach a 4-hour meeting, including a meal plus cleaning up afterwards. I don't have time for that, really, and it's just not that important to me, and I need to stop feeling guilty about that too!

Giveaways and Guilt

Isn't that a catchy title? LOL!

I wish I could say "Giving Away the Guilt," but really I'm not there yet.

See, today, I cleaned out the pantry in the kitchen. As I tried to shove the syrup and peanut butter back in there this morning, I decided that the time had come. I'll never quite understand why someone has to put the box of Triscuits back in there with exactly *3* crackers in it, or why, for the love, can't folks check UPSTAIRS before they raid the stash downstairs. I found *3* boxes of Wheat Thins. All open, all mostly full, and all stale. Bleck! I'm making a sign. We'll see if it works.

Added 2 more bags to the count, and now I can easily put the cereal, peanut butter, and flour away where it belongs!

Now to the point of this post.....(you knew I'd get there eventually, right?)

I gave away my cookie cutters. Again.

Here's the reality. I'm not a cookie cutter mom. Somewhere in my Jane Cleaver-SAHM delusions, I think I should be. But the truth of the matter is, I'm not. I don't like sugar cookies. Shannon can't eat regular sugar cookies, and gluten free ones don't stand up to rolling and cutting and the like. We don't do salt dough around here, either.

I'm not a cookie cutter mom. So, I gave the whole box of cookie cutters to my neighbor. And I feel a touch of guilt about that. But then I realize that having the cookie cutters lurking in the back of the cupboard actually fuels more guilt, reminding me of who I think I should be and who I'm not. So, today I'm embracing that little factoid about myself.

I'm not a cookie cutter mom. And that's okay.

40 Bags Update

I've been editting that other post, crossing things off and such, but it gets bogged down and I think my other posts are getting buried because each time I edit it, I move it to the top of the page, making it look like I haven't written anything else.

So, a quick update.

The kids have really worked hard on their rooms. They're not finished yet, but they've made AMAZING progress and I'm so proud because they've done much of the work.

I've cleaned out the kids' bathroom, with their help.

I cleaned out the bookshelves in the basement, getting rid of DVDs, Wii games, and books. I've finally given up (mostly) the delusion of an "educational" summer. Or at least the kind of education that includes worksheets and planned science experiments. I'm sure the kids will, once again, learn that water+dirt=mud and lots of fun. We'll go letterboxing and to the library, visit a museum or two, the zoo and the aquarium (yes, there is an aquarium in the desert of Salt Lake City). Hopefully, they'll learn to cook a meal or two.

Bruce read something somewhere that said that if you give your kids 12 books to read over the summer (and they do it) then that's really all the need to avoid the summer slump/knowledge loss. My kids are readers. They read everything they can get their hands on. And, as we've sorted through things, they've rediscovered their own libraries. So, in addition to the "stuff" leaving the house, I've gotten rid of a bit of guilt too.

However, there's some guilt still. A bunch of the books Alana wants to get rid of are cute books that my mom gave her. They're truly wonderful books. But they're for pre-schoolers and Alana's long since outgrown them. In a purge a while back, I did keep a pile of books, mostly Dr. Seuss books, for posterity. But really, how much can I keep? How much should I keep? It's not like books are going to fade out of our existance. But actual, physical books with pages to turn rather than screens to slide seem to be on the endangered list (I really hope not...there's nothing like the experience of reading a book...and besides, if you drop your Kindle in the tub.....). So, I'm passing on some of these books. They're going to the preschool program at my church, where I'm sure they will be well-loved. But I still feel just a tad guilty, and I wonder if there will be fall out from my mom when/if she finds out.

And then there are the sappy "To my Daughter with Love" books, also from my mom. I'm not really a sappy person. These books don't really speak to me, encourage me, or make me feel loved. They're too rosy, too lacy, too frilly for my taste. And yet. They're from my mom, and they speak of her love for me, in all it's imperfections. But they also irritate me. Doesn't she know who I am? Doesn't she realize that I'm not a lacy, rosy, frilly person?! Truthfully, these books don't bring me joy. In fact, I grind my teeth everytime I see them and so I don't really want to keep them. But they were given in love, so........

AAAHHHHHH!!!

"Are you my wife?!"

asked my darling husband, putting a worried hand to my forehead.

See, I bought Velveeta, and I'm giving away books.