What do you say?

What do you say when your 12 yo daughter tells you that she hasn't been giving herself needed insulin because she's afraid her blood sugar will drop? What do you say when she tells you that her biggest fear is that her sugar will drop too low during the night and she won't wake up?

How do I comfort her when that is *my* biggest fear too?

Through the last two years, I've learned, yet again, how strong I can be. There are days when I'm not strong at all, and there are times when I wish I didn't have to be strong. But I'm a mom. And moms do what their children need them to do. So I've become a mom who bakes gluten free bread, who has a shoebox full of insulin vials in her fridge. I've gone from fainting at the sight of needles to giving shots. I've gone from "HOLY CRAP! YOUR SUGAR IS WHAT?!?!" to calling the nurses line and calmly explaining what's going on, getting their instructions, praying for the best, all the while planning just what I'll juggle if the child has to go to the hospital.

I hope, with all of my heart, that none of you ever have to experience this because it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In those moments, nothing else really matters.

And then there are the moments like last night, when Shannon told me that her sugar's been dropping too low after she gives herself insulin. We think her basal rate was too high, so we adjusted it a bit. And we talked. A lot.

We talked about how she's awakened in the past because her sugar was low and she "felt weird." We talked about how she's not truly my child....she's God's child. We talked about how God loves her, which led to a discussion of how a loving God "gives" a child this disease. We talked about what it would be like if Rumplestiltskin (Shrek Forever After) took that one day, the one day she started to get sick. Would I let that happen? I told her I wasn't sure. I would take the disease on myself, in a heartbeat, if given the chance. We talked about finding blessings in the midst of this struggle. And we talked about how she does not have to carry this alone. Ever.

She may have to take my face in her hands to get my full attention, because I'm always doing about 7 things at a time, but I would listen and I would help, and I would help her carry the load; figure things out.

It still breaks my heart, really. Like I've said before, my heart shattered the day they were diagnosed, and I'm not sure I'll ever quite put all the pieces back together.