Ramblings on Frustration

I'm tired. This isn't a surprise to anyone who knows me, but it's frustrating to me nonetheless. I get particularly frustrated with myself because I say I'm tired, and then stay up to watch fluff on the 10 o'clock news. Yes, I know for many of you, 10 is early, but when I really need to be functioning by 6:30 or so the next morning, it's late. And yet.....

Of course, I have reasons to be tired. Last week was completely crazy and I demanded a high price from my poor body.

Wednesday: 9-1 Work at Dream Dinners. Run errands all afternoon, back to work at 5 until midnight.
Thursday: Taught 1st grade. Kids that age are adorable and totally exhausting. Set up at the Expo from 4:30 to 8:30. Home to finish up some final prep for that.
Friday: Expo from 8 am to midnight. Yes, that's 16 hours.
Saturday: Expo from 8 am to 8 pm, including take down.
Sunday was church and a nap in the afternoon, but then I had Expo stuff to sort out so I worked some on that as well.

I'm frustrated over Expo.
I'm frustrated that the kids' rooms aren't finished.
I'm frustrated that I haven't cleaned out much of the rest of the house.
I'm frustrated that I made mistakes at work, causing me to be removed from that particular task. I'm relieved to not have that added responsibility, and then frustrated because I'm relieved. I could use the hours to pay off the CC bill from the inventory I purchased for Expo.
I'm frustrated that I struggle to get dinner made each night. Last week we had eggs 3 different nights. That just screams "YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER!!!"
I'm frustrated with the word "budget." That's become a new 4-letter word in my mind.
I'm frustrated that I don't have time to read or create.

This week is Spring Break, so you'd think it'd carry a lighter load. And yet.

We're mucking out the kids' rooms this week. On Friday the girls got a really good start on theirs, with Bruce's help. I was really proud of them because it was their own idea and mostly their own efforts. Tristan has been working on his as well, though right now, it looks like a bomb went off. He's got his bookcase cleaned out as well as his closet, and has removed 4 bags of trash/recycling. The boy has no sentimental attachment to anything, though, as he was ready to get rid of ALL of his school projects from years' past. I salvaged a small stack and I know he'll thank me down the road....or his wife and children will!

We're in the midst of fundraising season, raising money for bell tour, Scouts, and the youth mission trip. I've written before about my frustration with the youth leader and her "youth is the only thing that matters" attitude, so I won't expand on that too much except to say that it's adding to my frustration.

I'm feeling a great deal of pressure myself to get the rest of the house cleaned out. I'd hoped to do the bedding switchover this week, but the weather, so far hasn't cooperated (I like to dry the bedding outside as the sun is a natural germ-killer/bleaching agent). Today is beautiful, but I've decided that chore needs to wait just a bit longer and I'll be okay with it.

I was also hoping to do the clothing switch-over too. But again, the weather is so fickle right now that it seems prudent to wait a few more weeks.

So, I'm frustrated about that, and relieved at the same time because it's one less thing I *have* to do this week. And then I feel guilty for being relieved.

I need to follow up on leads from the Scrapbook Expo, finish unpacking my stuff from that adventure, etc. One of the 6 consultants involved in that has been driving me crazy too. She treats me like I don't know what I'm doing, scolding me like a child, nagging, and so forth. Makes me completely insane! I haven't worked this particular venue before, but I have done trade shows and I've worked in customer service-type jobs for YEARS. I know what I'm doing. Further, she's the culprit in many of the problems, NOT ME, so it's very hard to listen to her tell me what to do when she's ignoring her own "wisdom." Clean your own house, lady, before you start white-gloving mine!

So, in the next few days, I need to:
Help the kids finish up their rooms
Get a hair cut
Go to the library
Get new shoes for myself and Tristan
Tristan's passport photos
Tristan to passport office (as a minor, it requires both parents to physically show up at the office to get him a passport, which he needs before getting on a plane for bell tour this summer..photo ID required and it seemed better to do a passport than a state ID).
Make contact with all the leads from Expo (there's 40-50)
Sort and inventory my submissions for the consignment sale. Hanging and tagging would be a bonus.

Looking further ahead:
Alana's birthday and birthday party
Consignment sale
National Scrapbook Day

Then I look around and see other people and start comparing myself to them. I have two friends who have very large families. They (seem to) keep their homes clean, do the laundry, cook meals for their brood and the entire community, make their beds everyday, can their own salsa, raise chickens, AND find time to be creative, all on a shoe-string budget. And they HOMESCHOOL to boot! Why can't I? *sigh* And then I'm frustrated with myself for the comparisons. I know these wonderful ladies have their own struggles and challenges, as I know them well and am blessed to be allowed to peak into their hearts and souls during the trying times too. So who am I to complain? And the vicious guilt cycle starts up again.

And yet, it seems that they THRIVE on just a few hours of sleep each night. Exhaustion doesn't seem to get in the way of their lives. But again, how do I know that? Maybe they just don't complain as much as I do? And then I have guilt.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I wish that made me feel better.

Okay, so it does, if only a little bit. :-)

Why can't I cut myself a break? Why am I so very demanding of myself? How do I motivate myself to be the best Erica I can be without the damaging effects from guilt and perfectionism? Why do I do this to myself? And, more importantly, how do I stop?