In a fog

Or a funk, or something.

Right now, life is simply overwhelming. And when I say that, I'm not talking about being so busy with the kids that I can't find time to use the restroom. I'm saying that getting out of bed in the morning is almost more effort than I can expend. And, honestly, if I had the option of letting the kids fend for themselves, I wouldn't bother.

Yesterday was a victory in small ways.....I went to the store after dropping the kids at school. We needed something for dinner. So, I went to the one store that had chicken on sale and I bought a bunch. Then I bagged it up to freeze in our new chest freezer. We wound up not eating it for dinner though, because Bruce came home and we ran some errands together (the dog was completely out of food and the thought of wading through Costco and hefting the 40 lb bag, well, yeah, see paragraph 1). We wound up eating roast chicken and french fries.

I got the girls organized enough that they ran a load of jeans for the family. Seriously, they sorted out the ones in their own hampers and put them in the washer. I found mine and Bruce's (I don't do Tristan's laundry anymore), and tossed them in. I started the washer, but Shannon put them in the dryer.

Funny aside: I told Shannon to put the jeans in the dryer. She did. And that's it. No dryer sheet, and she didn't turn the dryer on. She did *exactly* as I asked. I caught on pretty quick when I didn't hear the machine, but still. Why would I want her to put them in the machine and leave them there all wet?!

I also made a loaf of GF bread in the bread machine. This is a bit more work than your average bread. You have to thoroughly combine the 10 dry ingredients and do the same for the 6-8 wet ingredients, rather than just throwing it all in the pan and turning the machine on. But it's worth it when Shannon makes herself a PBJ for lunch.

And I moved most of the Croptoberfest debris back to it's home. There are a few lingering details, but the house is almost back to normal. Much of htis was accomplished while on the phone with a friend. If I'm on the phone, I can't be on this machine ignoring the world. I have to putter a bit, and it helps if I have 'company.'

After school, the girls wanted to know when I was going to do the Halloween decorating. And, as per paragraph 1, this is not something I really give a darn about. But the fall bin was out since I dug through it for stuff to use for Croptoberfest, so I told them to knock themselves out. It looks pretty cute. Not what I would've done, but fun nonetheless and the girls had a blast!

Today I'm having lunch with a friend. But I'm not sure I have the energy for make up. Except, see, I like to hide my struggles and make up sure helps that. I 'do' depression by presenting the "I'm just fine" facade to the world. Only those truly close to me can see past it. Those who read a Facebook status update of "I'm struggling to care," and really get it. But even that is a bit misleading....I'm always amazed at the people who truly do understand it. The helping hands that reach out when I'm trying to pretend I don't need them. Lifelines. Love. Understanding. Acceptance.

Bruce doesn't "get" it, but he loves me and he's loving me through this. And, I'm getting better at expressing myself. Trusting that he can handle it. I was apologizing for my lack of effort, explaining just how challenging things seem right now, and he said "You'll snap out of it" That sounds a bit flippant, but it's his way of expressing confidence in me. I will walk through this to the other side, despite wanting to sleep through it instead. And, he's accepting that this is where I'm at right now. I wish I could be that accepting of myself.

I'm asking for the help that I need......I need help coming up with what to fix for dinner. I don't really care, and that makes it hard to do that particular chore. Add in the gluten issue and the picky-eater issues....Tristan doesn't like fish or red sauce. And we can't just throw together some pasta (GF past takes FOREVER to cook and is expensive!). Not to mention I don't wanna make dinner. By the evenings, my apathy has reached a peak. I don't care. I want to go to bed. The kids came up with a few ideas, and Bruce is working on it too. I will go to the store, but I need someone else to make the effort of telling me what to buy.

And all of that makes me feel like a total failure. My kids have to do my job. That's wrong. And I don't care.......or maybe I do, but not quite enough to overcome the apathy.