I am weary

That's really the only word to describe it. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally weary.

But, if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm "fine." Because, right now, I simply have to be fine. I'm clinging to "fine" like a lifeboat in a storm. The storm that threatens to wash over me at the most inconvenient moments. I lost a week just before Christmas. That's a freak-out nightmare for me! At least, that's the nightmare I'm focused on.

I can't focus on the true nightmare of my sweet baby lying in that bed, so very very sick. His sunken cheeks and pale skin. The way his eyes would open, but couldn't seem to focus on anything. The way he told the paramedics he was 12, but couldn't tell them what holiday we'd just had, or how the ER doc couldn't get him to respond much at all. Or the way we discounted his illness, thinking it was just a stomach flu and some added drama.

And the tears come......tears that I can't afford to shed because there's 6 days to Christmas and gifts that still haven't been mailed. There are Christmas parties at school and church commitments. There's more clean, unfolded laundry than I have baskets to hold it, and the toilets are getting really scary.

So, I wipe away the tears and press on, wearier than before. Because there are 3 little people depending on me to keep their world on an even keel and a husband who needs clean underwear and socks that he can actually find.

I know that I can't suppress this forever. Believe me, I know that. I know that I need to feel these emotions, let them run rampant for a bit, so I can work through them rather than stuffing them into an over-flowing box that they leak out of at the worst moments. For now, though, that's where they stay.

Part of me is grateful for the distractions. Part of me hates it. But, it keeps me from wallowing. Though, in all honesty, stuffing the emotions *will* lead to wallowing if I'm not careful.

Bruce reminded me that I haven't been taking very good care of myself. I'm cold and tired all the time. Of course, it's 30 degrees and snowing (again), so the cold makes some sense. I drag a space heater with me wherever I go. The tired, though, could be from several things......sleepless nights while Tristan was in the hospital, not drinking enough water, and not taking my iron pills. So, for today, I took my vitamins, and I'm drinking my water. I've got a massage scheduled with a dear friend who will totally understand when I fall apart under her loving touch.

One step, one day, one moment at a time.

"Cuz when push comes to shove,
I taste what I'm made of.
I might bend till I break
Cuz it's all I can take.
On my knees I look up,
Decide I've had enough.
I get mad
I get strong
Wipe my hands
Shake it off
THEN I STAND."

(lyrics borrowed from Rascal Flatts)